Friend and my DH

(375 Posts)
BananasAreEvil1 Tue 17-Nov-20 14:48:33

I feel a bit silly for posting and have NC for it. Full disclosure for a number of reasons I don't have great self esteem at the moment and feel more than a little insecure (I'm working on this) so I can't tell if I'm being paranoid or not.

I have a friend let's call her Mary. She has been my friend for many years before I met DH. Our lives are very different from each other and we're very different and although we speak regularly we don't see each other more than a few times a year. Mary and my DH aren't friends. They're polite to each other but I know they don't rate the other so my relationships are kept separate.

A few weeks ago Mary and I were doing an activity together. DH dropped me off and got out of the car with our DC to say hello to Mary.

Mary commented about how much weight DH had lost and how he looked very different from the last time she saw him around 18 months ago. DH said thanks and we went on our way.

However Mary spent the several hours at the activity talking about DH, how good he looked, how she could tell he had been working out, how his clothing looked against his muscles etc.

I laughed it off and said several times ok ok can we stop talking about my DH. Mary has never commented on DH appearance before and I know previously he wasn't her type, however he probably is more her type now that he's made massive lifestyle changes and is at peak fitness.

The conversation kept being brought round to my DH by Mary and I became very uncomfortable but just didn't know how to address it.

When DH came to collect me Mary made a beeline for the car and opened his door to make small talk again something that's never happened before.

Since then Mary has brought up DH in most calls or messages, asking how he is what he's doing etc. All unusual for Mary.

DH has today called from work to tell me that Mary has added him on social media. He isn't aware of the comments so was puzzled. Mary also very rarely uses social media. Mary has since messaged DH on social media asking if he can give advice on what to get me for Christmas.

The increased attention from Mary towards DH makes me feel very uncomfortable and I don't know if I'm silly for feeling like this and should just let it go and try to get feelings of being uncomfortable out of my head and be grateful that it seems Mary haw thawed towards DH.

So can I put it to the MN jury?

OP’s posts: |
cuddlymunchkin Tue 17-Nov-20 14:50:31

She's after him. Lose the 'friend'. Quickly.

TwentyViginti Tue 17-Nov-20 14:56:18

She certainly fancies him. I don't know how best to handle this, she's creating a false intimacy with him on SM by wanting to discuss your present. Blatantly!

Toilenstripes Tue 17-Nov-20 14:59:25

Get rid of her. She’s after your husband.

JillofTrades Tue 17-Nov-20 15:00:32

Confront her and make her feel embarrassed and called out. It's clear as day what she's doing, which means she is not a good friend to you and you can then tell her what you think of her.

Elvesinquarantine Tue 17-Nov-20 15:02:10

Next time you see her mention his piles.....

Elvesinquarantine Tue 17-Nov-20 15:02:19

And his ED...


Muchadoaboutlife Tue 17-Nov-20 15:05:14

Cut her off. She’s trying to kickstart a relationship with him. Messaging him about Xmas?? WTF? Has she ever done that before!! If it was me I’d message her “I don’t know what you’re playing at but stop sending my DH messages. It’s embarrassing. I’m taking a break from you. Don’t message me or my DH. You’re not wanted. You’ve made me feel very uncomfortable actually. Go find somebody else’s bloke to drool over. You’re being weird” call her the fuck out. She’s not a friend.

JurassicParkAha Tue 17-Nov-20 15:05:32

Is she single, or what is her relationship like?

I have this with a friend. She is married, albeit unhappily. She's never taken much interest in my bfs or even exH the 12 years we've known each other. Never had them on social media or commented on their appearance. But now I have a bf, who is clearly her type, and she constantly asks about him, added him on social media, makes great efforts to talk to him when are all together, constantly comments on how handsome he is, re-schedules meet ups so he can attend, dresses a LOT nicer all of a sudden if he will be around etc. Even our mutual friend commented that it seemed she really fancied him.

It's made me so uncomfortable, I have had to take space from her for a bit and only meet her without my bf. I don't think she would actively do anything to sabotage us, but I don't enjoy her salivating so obviously over my bf. It's just awkward. For him too, he's noticed it. I dread any occasions where he will have to be present, and i'm hoping her little crush wears off. If not, I may have to end the friendship.

You don't need to completely lose your friend, but it would be wise to be wary and only meet your friend without DH, or jokingly ask her why she's so interested in his new look. No real advice other than you're not paranoid. Trust your gut on this.

CharlotteRose90 Tue 17-Nov-20 15:05:54

Yep i agree. She’s definitely after him the sneaky bitch. Drop her ASAP

CuriousaboutSamphire Tue 17-Nov-20 15:06:45

Well, he can block her on social media and he can simply not reply, never respond. He can do that forever and a day. He really doesn't have to communicate with her in any way, ever, at all!

And you can say whatever you like to her! You can look at her and just say "Mary!!!!" and then laugh, at her. You can be as PA as you like! You don't have to have a proper discussion with her about it at all. You can avoid all the inevitable twaddle about you being over sensitive, her being insulted you'd think that etc etc etc

Just laugh at her!

Or ignore her!

But do drop her from your mind as being a friend. She is currently overstepping that line!

But mostly your DH can stop this, immediately, by blocking her and ignoring her!

Flittingaboutagain Tue 17-Nov-20 15:07:56

Drop her. Ask your DH not to be friends with her. Someone will tell you you are being paranoid but there are plenty of he's left me for a friend/neighbour threads on here sadly.

TwentyViginti Tue 17-Nov-20 15:08:00

Men aren't weak little defenceless creatures forced by wily women into affairs. If they want to stray they will. If they don't want to - they won't hmm

Flittingaboutagain Tue 17-Nov-20 15:11:33

Also, there is lots of research that it is opportunity coming along with vulnerability that leads to some whilst having a good egg for a spouse is a protective factor, lots of good people cheat if they start feeling shitty about themselves and someone comes along right at that moment fluffing them up! (Often nothing to do with your marriage at all).

Esther Perel.
Shirley Glass are good sources.

Wyntersdiary Tue 17-Nov-20 15:17:42

She's after him and she isn't even hiding it 0_o she doesn't need to be his friend so she should be keeping away ....

Infinitethings Tue 17-Nov-20 15:19:35

I would definitely be having a word with her eg Mary, Bob told me you messaged him. See what she says. Also let her know that he would be very open with you.

Hopefully you’ve got nothing to worry about with your husband, but I wouldn’t trust her whatsoever.

MzHz Tue 17-Nov-20 15:20:57

Oh I’d be shutting this down right away.

Dh needs to get rid of her off SM, I know he’s an adult blah blah but she is definitely on the make and that means she’s no friend of either of you.

Fucking mentionitus too! What a fucking cheek! I’d be raging

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel Tue 17-Nov-20 15:22:04

She's after him. Lose the 'friend'. Quickly.

She's a rude, ridiculous woman. Get rid like cuddly munchkin says.

GingerBrummie Tue 17-Nov-20 15:23:39

I agree with the above, shes after him. My only comment would be to phone her & explain rather than sending by text as she will then send that to your DH which may make you look a bit crazy! So tell her verbally to back off.

madcatladyforever Tue 17-Nov-20 15:26:46

Mary would be dumped and she's got a bloody nerve making it so obvious, I'd be having words with her to that effect also.

itsgettingcoldoutside Tue 17-Nov-20 15:28:15

She is clearly after your husband. I had a friend like this. She told me she had messaged him once on Facebook about 'me'. Another time she turned up on a Sunday tarted up in red lipstick. Asking how she looked with him there. It was awkward.
I didn't trust her after that. We eventually fell out.!

Cheeseandwin5 Tue 17-Nov-20 15:32:12

Men aren't weak little defenceless creatures forced by wily women into affairs. If they want to stray they will. If they don't want to - they won't hmm

I am not sure this is the point. I don't think the OP thinks her BF is interested in her friend, but that doesn't mean her friend can act in such a disrespectful way.
Her friend is acting in a way, that if it goes the way she wants will hurt the OP to the core. Even if it doesn't who wants a friend who would stab you in the back in such a manner.

BananasAreEvil1 Tue 17-Nov-20 15:32:49

I'm pretty sure DH isn't interested and is really confused why Mary has contacted him as she hasn't spoken to him without me being there in the over 10 years we've been together. Mary's already asked me what I would like for Christmas and I told her I'd have a think and get back to her only yesterday.

Mary is single and has been for a number of years although she has been very vocal that she would like a relationship, it hasn't happened and she hasn't been dating or even attempting to date in over a year although has recently returned to online dating.

The prospect of losing the friendship does bother me, we've been friends since school and she was MOH at my wedding. Mary has been there throughout the good and bad and overall a good friend albeit a little bit self absorbed at times but I'm sure we call be at various points in life.

DH would be horrified if I told him what Mary has said about him and would be embarrassed but would absolutely block without question if I asked him to.

I've felt very insecure at the attention that DH has been getting since his appearance has changed. This isn't the fault of DH he doesn't court attention and is uncomfortable with it and certainly hasn't shown any interest in anyone else and has been trying his best to reassure me.

Mary doesn't know any of this but it has his a sore spot for me.

OP’s posts: |
Spied Tue 17-Nov-20 15:38:35

"Mary, DH told me you've been messaging him and after all this time of knowing him we were wondering why.
We actually had a bit of a laugh saying you must fancy him haha. He was mortified haha.."

BorderlineHappy Tue 17-Nov-20 15:42:26

Mary is after your DH.You need to warn your dh as what Mary is after.Block her and leave it at that.

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