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Don't know what to do. Is my marriage over?

(55 Posts)
Santasfuckstick Mon 16-Nov-20 23:56:21

I don't know what I want or expect from this post except somewhere to get my feelings out.

I think my marriage is over.

I deeply love my husband but we have a practically sexless marriage.

He absolutely adores me and has always had a much lower sex drive than me but the last year or so it's been pretty much nonexistent.

We have discussed it but nothing changes. We've been intimate maybe 5 times in the last year.

Truth is I absolutely love sex. He does when we do it but it doesn't seem to cross his mind otherwise.

The subject has come up time and time again and things may change temporarily but not long term and when we do have sex it's at my instigation.

It just makes me feel shit and I'm becoming resentful of it. It makes me feel like I'm bullying him.

I've read many a similar thread and the suggestion of an open marriage comes up but there's no way he'd accept that. And I'm not 100% sure I'd want to do that either tbh.

The annoying thing is in every other way he's the perfect man. And he really is. And a fantastic father to our 4 DC. And it seems such a trivial thing to separate over but it can't be that trivial if it's upsetting me this much can it?

It just doesn't seem to be something we can mend.

I just need to get the words out, even if it is to a nest of vipers wink

The problem has been on and off for years and I always push the feelings aside and think with my head that the marriage is brilliant in all other ways.

But how can a marriage be brilliant when one partner is so desperately unhappy?

We've been together since approx 20 and now we're late 30s.

I want to be married to him. I really do but we can't get past this can we?

Not without me making such a big sacrifice?

OP’s posts: |
Santasfuckstick Mon 16-Nov-20 23:56:36

Bloody hell that was long. Sorry!

OP’s posts: |
Mamacute Tue 17-Nov-20 00:39:39

Don’t worry about the length.,

I’m sorry, I’m of no real help here, reason being I’d be VERY much happy if my husband’s libido was so low I wasn’t getting bugged for sex. But this is me ; I may have a problem, I don’t know. But certainly, I won’t be leaving my marriage over it being sexless, especially when I know I’m the one with the almost non existent libido.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 17-Nov-20 00:41:28

First things first, has he had any medical explanation ruled out? He should have his hormone levels tested.

Enough4me Tue 17-Nov-20 00:44:47

You have 4DC, was everything easier before? Is one quite young and he's tired? Possible medical problems?

Santasfuckstick Tue 17-Nov-20 00:49:29

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it.

I know it's more unusual for the woman to have the higher drive and I think that's something I struggle with as well.

In general life and joking about it always stings when there's comments made about the female partner never putting out enough...!

It makes me feel worse because I feel like a weirdo. So kind of laugh along with it whilst dying inside.

In truth, sex was always very important to me before meeting DH and I feel like I'm sacrificing an enormous amount of myself to stay in the relationship and I'm not sure that's going to make for a content life.

I'm worried the resentment will tarnish the good.

We have a fantastic relationship otherwise. He adores me and makes me laugh. He's getting even sexier as he ages which doesn't help.

I fancy the pants off of him. And can't imagine feeling the same about anyone else. Not even Ryan Gosling!

I just wonder if it's better to split now instead of waiting until the feelings are gone and I look back unhappily.

I don't want to waste what's left of my youth.

But how do I explain to DC as they get older and question why I chose to end it? Why upset them and destabilise their entire world for something that seems so small?

I'm kind of rambling here I know. And logically I know that if I feel this way it isn't a small thing..
And many women would think me daft to give him up for just this one thing.

But in my heart I know it's not small if it makes me so desperately unhappy?

OP’s posts: |
Santasfuckstick Tue 17-Nov-20 00:58:09

Aquamarine1029

First things first, has he had any medical explanation ruled out? He should have his hormone levels tested.

Good suggestion but unfortunately an avenue that's already been explored and declared fine. That was in the last few years.

OP’s posts: |
Santasfuckstick Tue 17-Nov-20 01:03:45

Enough4me

You have 4DC, was everything easier before? Is one quite young and he's tired? Possible medical problems?

I'd say it was slightly better, but I'd still be the instigator 99% of the time.

They're all a decent age so don't need much in the way of hands on care as such.

He does suffer from anxiety and depression and does have Aspergers which was diagnosed as an adult. He was in his early 30s. That did help as it assisted us in properly communicating with one another in an effective way but he does still struggle and tends to go silent which frustrates me but I try to understand.

I know it's unconventional but all of the serious conversations happen via email. It's weird I know but it gives him time to think before he replies so he can "plan" the conversation.

But even that leads to silence frequently which I do find hurtful. He just doesn't seem to know what to say.

I don't mind the difficulty of that. I accept it and he knows I do.

He has so many fantastic qualities from being on the spectrum that it's worth it

OP’s posts: |
Santasfuckstick Tue 17-Nov-20 01:04:15

Jesus Christ I don't half ramble.

You guys are very patient! grin

OP’s posts: |
TinyGarden Tue 17-Nov-20 01:06:49

I feel your pain - try once in the last 4.5 years.

I should start my own thread really, but been afraid of the likely replies. For now will watch your thread with interest. I especially feel your pain as like you, I do love him. He's by no means perfect, but he definitely augments my life. Other than the sexlessness.

So - what the heck do people do in this situation? It's easier in a way if they're arseholes.

Probably no comfort either, but five times a year would feel like a bounty to me. And I also have a high sex drive. (Had? Who knows.....not had a chance to gauge it.)

I don't know how I've survived, to be honest.

ApplePie86 Tue 17-Nov-20 01:07:54

Mmmm...I personally could have a perfectly happy marriage without sex at all and although my other half would have sex every day, he knows my feelings and has said he would do whatever I want. However, I don't think that would be fair so I instigate sex regularly when I'm not totally against it. We did get to a point where we went without for 2-3 months however I didn't really think it fair in him.

Maybe worth a conversation and bluntly tell him what you need and you might find he will instigate even a couple times a month and that would keep things going?

Also...does it have to be sex with both of you? Would a bit of solo fun regularly help things?

minipie Tue 17-Nov-20 01:10:15

OP, sorry if I missed it but if you initiate will he happily have sex? Or does he turn you down even if you initiate. There’s a big difference...

Santasfuckstick Tue 17-Nov-20 01:17:54

TinyGarden

I feel your pain - try once in the last 4.5 years.

I should start my own thread really, but been afraid of the likely replies. For now will watch your thread with interest. I especially feel your pain as like you, I do love him. He's by no means perfect, but he definitely augments my life. Other than the sexlessness.

So - what the heck do people do in this situation? It's easier in a way if they're arseholes.

Probably no comfort either, but five times a year would feel like a bounty to me. And I also have a high sex drive. (Had? Who knows.....not had a chance to gauge it.)

I don't know how I've survived, to be honest.

Follow away! It's taken me a long time to build up the courage to post. Not sure why? Maybe agreement that it's over? Who knows? confused

You really do have my utmost sympathy. It's so fucking hard isn't it?!

OP’s posts: |
Santasfuckstick Tue 17-Nov-20 01:23:10

ApplePie86

Mmmm...I personally could have a perfectly happy marriage without sex at all and although my other half would have sex every day, he knows my feelings and has said he would do whatever I want. However, I don't think that would be fair so I instigate sex regularly when I'm not totally against it. We did get to a point where we went without for 2-3 months however I didn't really think it fair in him.

Maybe worth a conversation and bluntly tell him what you need and you might find he will instigate even a couple times a month and that would keep things going?

Also...does it have to be sex with both of you? Would a bit of solo fun regularly help things?

I think you've been very fair with him. Kudos. Compromise is a godsend I think.

If I instigate he'll do it. When he doesn't it's usually because he's too bloody knackered. I get that! And don't mind too much. Also I'm a complete night owl and he's a lark so that's not the best combo.

I have been that blunt. Absolutely totally blunt.

Solo fun I find takes the edge off when I know I need to relax and it's more the release I need. But it's the physicality (actual word? 😂) I miss. The touch and the intimacy.

Orgasm is neither the be all and end all for me. I've had issues climaxing my whole entire life. Doesn't matter with who. It's just my thing but I still enjoy a good body rocker regardless! Lol.

I'd love it if he did instigate it. A few times a month would be fantastic but once every 6 weeks I could climb onboard with!

OP’s posts: |
Santasfuckstick Tue 17-Nov-20 01:26:03

minipie

OP, sorry if I missed it but if you initiate will he happily have sex? Or does he turn you down even if you initiate. There’s a big difference...

He will usually go along with it. And enjoy it!

There have been times he's outright rejected me. But I honestly believe that's down to him not a reflection on me. He genuinely doesn't use pornography and he doesn't masturbate either. That sounds naive but we've been blunt in that discussion.

Before anyone suggests it he 100% is not gay! I've gently broached that with him. I'd be devastated if it were true but understanding and he knows that.

OP’s posts: |
Anordinarymum Tue 17-Nov-20 01:26:53

It's the intimacy between husband and wife that sets them apart from the family making the relationship special. When there is no sex life or intimacy of any kind then what is left?

You need to address this and make him see how important this is to you OP. He needs to know it is 'make or break' as they say

RantyAnty Tue 17-Nov-20 01:31:53

If he's usually keen if you instigate, then you'll have to be the main instigator.

see if you can go for it once by the end of this month and a couple times next month.

I was married to someone who would flat out reject me every time I would initiate. Demoralizing. He's an ex.

Santasfuckstick Tue 17-Nov-20 01:33:58

Anordinarymum

It's the intimacy between husband and wife that sets them apart from the family making the relationship special. When there is no sex life or intimacy of any kind then what is left?

You need to address this and make him see how important this is to you OP. He needs to know it is 'make or break' as they say

I completely agree. And sadly I have... Which I think has just answered my dilemma hasn't it?

God, that's terrifying.

But this thread has helped so thanks to all of you for reading my ginormous posts and taking the time to reply. I truly appreciate it.

OP’s posts: |
Santasfuckstick Tue 17-Nov-20 01:36:42

Ranty- I think I've just become a bit resentful of it tbh. As you have very eloquently said... It's demoralising.

I've spent many many years in therapy for unrelated issues and have honestly got to the point where I am totally confident in myself and my imperfect body and don't want this to make me slip back.

As selfish as it sounds if it comes to picking between me and my marriage. I pick me. Every time.

OP’s posts: |
Josuk Tue 17-Nov-20 02:03:41

OP - why not just pick both 🤷🏻‍♀️.
Stay in the marriage as he does seem perfect otherwise and outsource physicality. You would be Ok with a couple of times a week as you said - and there are plenty of men in similar situation as you are.
This is way these websites for married dating exist.

You love him and have a long history together. Everything else but this bit is working. There are four kids.... Why throw a bomb into this when you can have it all for a while at least. See how that feels. Then make a decision.

Life isn’t black and white. Yours has shades.

widespreadpanic Tue 17-Nov-20 02:14:53

Your DH sounds like a good man and you two seem to be very compatible outside of the sex issue. I would never leave someone that was perfect in every way just for sex. I think as long as he goes along with it when you initiate then there shouldn’t be a problem. It seems he shows you he loves you in so many other ways outside of sex, so his low libido has nothing to do with how he feels about you.

ClaryFairchild Tue 17-Nov-20 02:19:33

Hmm, does he lack spontaneity generally? If so maybe schedule some proper 'date nights' with the expectation that there is at least some sexual contact, some kissing if not sex itself. If he thinks about it, and can plan for the evening, he may be more in the mood for it?

FlyNow Tue 17-Nov-20 04:01:37

Really tough situation OP.

It just comes down to what you can live with I guess.

I'm in a similar situation but I've decided that I can live with it. It is a sacrifice but we all make them the have a ltr, there is no settling down without settling for, etc. However lots of people wouldn't make that choice and I wouldn't judge you or think it's wrong if you did want to leave. It's a very personal choice.

Possibly colouring my opinion is that I have been the lower sex drive partner in the past. My ex was a super high sex drive, never went a day without begging/pestering me for sex multiple times and it was horrible.

I'm with you on open relationships, they aren't for everyone. I didn't get married just to have to keep on dating!

FlyNow Tue 17-Nov-20 04:08:03

It's the intimacy between husband and wife that sets them apart from the family making the relationship special. When there is no sex life or intimacy of any kind then what is left?

I don't agree with this. Without sex there can still be companionship, laughter, sharing a life. You might say that's a friendship but my friends don't live with me, cook and eat dinner with me, pay half my bills, go on holidays with me, spend weekends with me, help out my parents or discuss my problems in bed late at night.

Not that I'm saying you should stay OP. Just saying my opinion on this particular point which I often see on here.

anxiiousone Tue 17-Nov-20 04:18:44

ApplePie86

Mmmm...I personally could have a perfectly happy marriage without sex at all and although my other half would have sex every day, he knows my feelings and has said he would do whatever I want. However, I don't think that would be fair so I instigate sex regularly when I'm not totally against it. We did get to a point where we went without for 2-3 months however I didn't really think it fair in him.

Maybe worth a conversation and bluntly tell him what you need and you might find he will instigate even a couple times a month and that would keep things going?

Also...does it have to be sex with both of you? Would a bit of solo fun regularly help things?


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