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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DS apologising to DP...

97 replies

CopperPotter · 16/11/2020 20:22

DP and I have been together for 6 years. We have 1 DC together and I have older DC including DS (9) from previous marriage.

DS has never been able to take responsibility and never apologises. He’s quite shy and I understand it’s difficult even for adults to apologise but I feel it’s important he starts trying.

He will often pinches sweets/chocolate if we ever get them and has also taken bags of sugar and eaten them in his room.

DP has never been that close to DS although they are starting to spend more time together.

DP has some birthday sweets on top of the fridge which kept disappearing. DS finally admitted to taking a few. DP said he wanted an apology. He wouldn’t apologise as thought DP would just shout at him/didn’t feel confident doing it and finally agreed to write a note to say sorry.

Is DS behaving like a spoilt brat or is DP being petty?

OP posts:

Report

CopperPotter · 16/11/2020 20:35

Anyone?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/11/2020 20:37

He steals bags of sugar to eat in his room ?

I would be more interested in finding out why he has such a sugar craving as opposed to forcing him to give a fake apology to a grown-ass man tbh

Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2020 20:38

If your son is taking things without permission he needs to apologise.

6demandingchildren · 16/11/2020 20:39

Your son should apologise, he knew the sweets didn't belong to him.

Mistystar99 · 16/11/2020 20:41

Feel a bit sorry for your son. Your H has been in his life since he was 3 but they aren't close? Your H wants an apology but your son will only do a written one? He sounds frightened.

BigFatLiar · 16/11/2020 20:41

Is he likely to shout at him? A note is a start but he is still a child. Provided you partner isn't the sort to shout or get angry a word with your partner and perhaps a promise not to take his treats without asking would be ok.

Ijustreallywantacat · 16/11/2020 20:42

He absolutely needs to apologise. Reassure him that DH won't go mad but he needs to do it. He knows he's done wrong.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2020 20:43

I think your son is crying out for attention for some reason. Do you know what that might be ?

GeorgeTheFirst · 16/11/2020 20:43

Some children find it really hard to apologise, but it is a skill that he needs to learn. Make sure your partner accepts it graciously and moves on quickly and hopefully your son will get better at it.

beavisandbutthead · 16/11/2020 20:43

Your son never takes responsibility or apologises. He is 9 and takes sugar and hides the fact. My DS does the same and we know he has emotional issues as his father has a terminal illness. Its not as simple as folks saying he needs to apologise. Any DC taking bags of sugar to his room to snack on has deep rooted issues. Your DS was 3 when your DP got involved, is his biological father around? Was your DP loving towards your DS or has your joint DC taken over? Yes get him to apologise for taking sweets but you need to get to the underlying issues

TicTacTwo · 16/11/2020 20:45

It's one thing nicking a chocolate bar out of a multipack but these were birthday sweets and ds is old enough to know that they were definitely not ok to take. This is definitely apology territory. I know they aren't close but I would be strict in this case.

beavisandbutthead · 16/11/2020 20:45

Oh and I cant see anything from your OP that would suggest your DC is spoiled. He may be spoilt for attention of love being that you and your DP have a joint DC. You suggesting he never takes responsibility...he is 9? Your the adults

TicTacTwo · 16/11/2020 20:46

What would have happened if ds asked dp for a sweet?

I'd be more concerned that after 6 years he couldn't ask for a sweet or apologize.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2020 20:48

I must be reading a different op than most here

user1843685313563 · 16/11/2020 20:50

Why is your son so frightened?

WattleOn · 16/11/2020 20:51

He should apologise. Ideally in person. And I would prep DH to not shout at him, to react calmly and quietly and say ‘thank you for apologizing, I was wondering what happened to them/would have shared if you asked’.

You have bigger problems than that though. Why is DS afraid DP will shout at him? Is he particularly timid, or DP particularly shout? And why is DS eating sugar from a bag?

Changethetoner · 16/11/2020 20:51

Pinching somebody's birthday sweets is really not on. At age 9, he definitely knows it's wrong, and an apology would be a good start.

user1843685313563 · 16/11/2020 20:52

And I would prep DH to not shout at him

Why on earth should she need to prep the man not to shout at a child for eating a few sweets?

category12 · 16/11/2020 20:54

Is your partner scary to your son?

Eating bags of sugar is quite concerning - maybe you should get him some support emotionally. He sounds on his way to disordered eating and a sad little boy.

chickenyhead · 16/11/2020 21:04

I would be very very concerned that a 9 year old is taking bags of sugar to eat in his room.

Is denial of food ever used as a punishment?

9 year old would usually finally apologise after they have time to think about their actions. What is he typically told off for? Are the boundaries consistent?

How long were those sweets sitting on top of the fridge? I know that my DC find the temptation irresistible the longer something sits there in their view. Has he asked for a sweet?

He sounds scared to me.

CopperPotter · 16/11/2020 21:15

DP is the polar opposite to DS’s father. He’s quite tall, has a loud deep voice and is stricter and sterner than his father and on top of that DS has always been very shy.

DS used to have a lot of tantrums, even before his father and I separated. He was very shy for a long time too. He’s more confident now and does well at school and is very popular with his peers.

DP is making a lot of effort to spend time with DS and they got on well generally. DP does feel that I should have dealt with DS’s tantrums and sugar stealing a long time ago and that he continued for so long because I never pulled him up.

We are getting on top of things but it’s difficult to know whether I’m just indulging him or being too strict.

OP posts:

category12 · 16/11/2020 21:20

Have you actually addressed WHY he's stealing sugar?

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CopperPotter · 16/11/2020 21:23

He’s only done it a few times as far as I know but yes it is a worry. He’s always been sugar crazy ever since he was a toddler when I would find him eating it in the cupboards. I just assumed he had a VERY sweet tooth.

I’m very careful about what we have in the house now. I talked to him about it and he told me It makes him feel better...

OP posts:

PatchworkElmer · 16/11/2020 21:24

Of course he should apologise!

nimbuscloud · 16/11/2020 21:25

Why did you not deal with the sugar stealing???

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