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To feel uncomfortable about this ex dynamic?

(101 Posts)
MackenzieT Mon 16-Nov-20 10:35:19

Fully prepared to be told I'm being U and jealous/controlling here by the way...Will take it on the chin and sort my s**t out.

My DP of 1 year is still really good friends with his immediate ex, and still living in her property that they were going to share together. They still text regularly and recently she threw a wobbler about him 'moving me in' when in fact I was just visiting. She has form for being controlling - his friends were worried about him when they were dating - but he wants to keep the friendship because they still care about each other, and I'm not about to tell my bf they can't be friends with someone just because I dislike them. I am really uncomfortable with the dynamic though and I have brought this up a few times. He says there is nothing romantic on either side now and due to the circumstances of their break up I do believe that, but is it weird to feel like there aren't enough boundaries in this from his side? She basically can hold over him the whole time that he lives in her place? Why throw a fit about me 'moving in' if she's totally fine with everything? I've accidentally (genuinely, looking for the time) seen messages on his phone from her that were quite cute and the kind of thing you'd say to someone you were still really connected to - I constantly feel like there are three people in this and it's making me paranoid and not the person I want to be in a relationship. I have to take ownership of my own insecurities though and am ok with being told I'm U and should give him a break.

How would you feel?

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flaviaritt Mon 16-Nov-20 10:45:39

I’d feel like they still had far too much of a connection and I would probably end the relationship if he wasn’t prepared to put more distance between them. Properly, ending the cutesy messaging.

lioncitygirl Mon 16-Nov-20 10:48:54

I think if it bothers you that much - you need to reconsider being with him, because it sounds like it could get worse/more complicated. Do you really want to be in a relationship wondering what is going on text message wise/ behind your back? Made worse by the fact he is in her property, she has some sort of control over him there, why hasn't he moved out?

Flittingaboutagain Mon 16-Nov-20 10:51:26

I think this is just too complicated and he, for whatever reason, is enmeshed with her and has made excuses to still be there after all this time. Walk away I think.

CakeRequired Mon 16-Nov-20 11:03:45

Run a mile and keep running. He's got no balls to tell her no and she's still the one in control. She's not fine with you at all, you're shagging the guy she still sees as her boyfriend and isn't moving on. Unless he moves out, they will never move on from each other and he's too under her control to move out. Just suggest yo him that he moves out and they sell the flat they own (I assume they both own it?) so you can both buy somewhere together and see what he says. If he's renting, he's really got no excuse to not move out. But then he doesn't with owning it either other than he won't let her go.

MackenzieT Mon 16-Nov-20 11:07:34

Just suggest yo him that he moves out and they sell the flat they own (I assume they both own it?)

No, she owns the flat outright, he 'caretakes' it as she lives in the EU now. I don't think he pays her any rent.

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flaviaritt Mon 16-Nov-20 11:20:08

No, she owns the flat outright, he 'caretakes' it as she lives in the EU now. I don't think he pays her any rent.

Oh my god. Yes, run.

MackenzieT Mon 16-Nov-20 11:53:03

He's already made it clear he'd never try living with anyone again so I can hardly float the idea of us living together as an incentive...

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VettiyaIruken Mon 16-Nov-20 11:55:49

I'd move my arse out of her house for a start!

VettiyaIruken Mon 16-Nov-20 11:56:58

If I were him I mean.
It's giving her a power over him that he could well do without

Aquamarine1029 Mon 16-Nov-20 12:00:10

Your relationship with him is dead in the water. End it and move on.

Shelby2010 Mon 16-Nov-20 12:02:11

Actually the fact that he’d never consider living with anyone again rings just as many alarm bells. He doesn’t sound very serious about you - definitely a boyfriend rather than a DP. I wonder where the Ex stays if she comes back to the UK for a visit....

I’d dump him & move on.

ReneeRol Mon 16-Nov-20 12:03:50

They're not over...

Letshavesometea Mon 16-Nov-20 12:07:21

Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone you will never live with?

And yes the whole ex things rings alarm bells to me too.

Move on.

ladycarlotta Mon 16-Nov-20 12:09:28

given that she owns the flat and he is possibly living in it rent-free, I get why she might feel quite taken advantage of it she thought he'd moved in his new gf.

However, I think you have less of an ex problem than a DP problem. There's nothing wrong with exes being friends, but his life is still very entwined with hers and if he wants to move on romantically he needs to create some boundaries with her.

CakeRequired Mon 16-Nov-20 12:17:06

He won't consider living with anyone again, but asked her if he could move you in? That's a tad confusing..

He's not serious about you, he likes having a rent free place that no doubt comes with sex on the side whenever she's in the UK. Just dump him, there's better men out there. You will end up paying for this one, he's a sponger.

MackenzieT Mon 16-Nov-20 12:29:32

He won't consider living with anyone again, but asked her if he could move you in? That's a tad confusing..

No, I was just visiting, but based on a picture of the place on my social she apparently thought he'd moved me in and was very angry.

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MackenzieT Mon 16-Nov-20 12:30:54

@Aquamarine1029 what makes it 'dead in the water' though?

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FelicityPike Mon 16-Nov-20 12:38:54

I can see why she was cross at thinking you had moved into her flat without his asking. Especially if he’s living there for free.
End it, you deserve SOOOOO much better.
Good luck.

MackenzieT Mon 16-Nov-20 12:49:20

* if he wants to move on romantically he needs to create some boundaries with her.*

Yes! thank you - that's exactly how I feel but I feel unreasonable about it?!

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KatieGGGG Mon 16-Nov-20 12:51:21

Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who has said they won’t live with you?

He doesn’t sound serious about you at all, and that’s not even going into the bizarre living in his ex’s house rent free. Doesn’t sound much of a catch OP run for the hills.

Abertropper Mon 16-Nov-20 13:24:14

Did they break up because she moved to EU per chance?

I would run a mile from this. This isn’t a normal friendship, it sounds like they are still enmeshed and you don’t have to be ok with it. He needs to move out and stop with the cutesy messages before he has a relationship with someone else.

lioncitygirl Mon 16-Nov-20 13:31:20

He can’t see him living with anyone else?!

What on earth are you wasting your time with this guy, who is clearly still enamoured with his ex for?! I presume you want to eventually live and have children with him? He’s leading you on, living rent free and jumping to the whims of his ex? A freeloader at best, an absolute manipulative user at worst.

CuriousaboutSamphire Mon 16-Nov-20 13:35:22

There's too much in all of that to unpack easily!

He lives in her house, pays no rent.

She says you cannot move in

He says he won't live with anyone again

You say what? "Ooh, am I being insecure?" (No, he is being a twat!)

He is prioritising free digs over you!

He is a leech!

Move on, for your own sanity!

MackenzieT Mon 16-Nov-20 13:55:27

To be fair, I don't think he is being manipulative or doing this on purpose, he seems to think the best of everyone.

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