My dad just rang and I didnt answer the phone

[PhoenixSoaring]

My dad left my mum and me when I was a toddler. He ran off with the next door neighbour. She left a son, my dad left me. All that was 38 years ago.

There was a divorce and as was the case in those days official visiting times etc as set by the court. These stopped when I was 13.

I learnt when I was older than my father had never paid any maintenance.

I had sporadic contact with him throughout my teens and 20s.

I invited him to my wedding and he attended with his new family as an 'ordinary' guest.

When my DSs were born I sent announcement cards to him.

He has always been internested in my boys and sent presents at Christmas and birthdays for the first couple of years. I was happy to accept the gifts for my children as he never gave anything to me as a child.

I had a nervous breakdown at the beginning of the summer. Somehow he found out (I think through my dm who seems to be in contact with him...) and he repeatedly rang the hospital to find out what was wrong. Eventually I let him visit me. It was v weird and I was glad when it was over.

Now he is ringing me again. And I dont want to speak to him. I had a crap childhood becauase of him and right now I dont want to play happy families.

How do I handle this though? Someone offer some advice please? Thanks

PSx

[chocolatemummy]

yeah I had a similar thing with my dad and sometimes dont answer phone to him, I just dont know what to talk about sometimes? although as he has got older he has made more an more effort with me an my sister and our kids, he was always at the end of the phone I guess but was not a good dad in way he left us and treated our mum and its hard to forget all that isnt it

[ArmadilloDaMan]

Have you got an address for him?

You could send him a note and say unfortunately because of circumstances at the moment you cannot speak to him, but you will contact him at a later date when things improve. Probably not worded well, but basically ask him to stop contacting you and you will get back to him when you are feeling better.

Seems like you have a lot on your plate at the mo and cutting out anything you don't feel strong enough to deal with may make things easier for you.

[PhoenixSoaring]

the letter thing is such a good idea - but basically I am worried of doing so because I am sure my dm is in regular contact with him (maybe even having an affair) and I just cant handle that

[bubblagirl]

i think in my mind people make mistakes in life that affect others and also bad things happen to people that they tend to believe is someone else's fault and it makes it easier to believe that,

i'm sure your dad left a big gap in your life and it affected your childhood but was your child hood really that crap because of him? or is it easier to just feel angry and blame him?

i think he has tried repeatedly to make it up to you especially when you were ill and that is the time i would of hoped my estranged parent would have been there for me also

life is far to short to hold grudges and live blaming and be angry with someone

many relationships can be mended if wanted and maybe you do want it to be but are afraid incase he leaves you again i'd phone him back and apologise you were busy

i understand the resentment but he is your dad who has tried to make effort so just go with it if not for you for your boys

nobody tells you how to be a good parent and no body tells you how to not make mistakes its what you do about it

to me he sounds like he loves you and wants a second chance give it you may even find it makes you happy to have your dad back never persume you know all the real reasons why things happened you only know what you see and are told give him the opportunity to make this up to you

i always feel strong abouit this as i know someone who refused and when her dad passed on she was never able to get over the guilt as all she ever wanted was to mend the relationship and have her dad back but never got the chance as she was to stubborn good luck

[throckenholt]

write to him - tell him what you have just said - you are fragile at the moment, and feel your childhood was damaged partly through his actions, and at the moment you don't want to be close - but you will keep in touch when you feel better.

[harrisey]

You don't need to answer the phone to anyone, including family, that you don't want to! The beauty of Caller Display!

I have no contact with my mother, due to a few similar and a few different issues that you have with your Dad. It ended, really, cos I wouldn't talk to her on the phone, but I reckoned I have no obligation to do so.

Your Dad has no claim on you, given your past history (my Mum, I reckon, has none on me as she walked out when I was 12 with my Dad's best friend and though she has had contact for many years it has been all on her terms, and finally her terms involved lecturing me about things I had done which had nothing to do with me - which had included her 'stalking' me on MN which involved me changing my name here, for her to find out about my life. AND - if you are still stalking me - HI MUM!!)

I think contacting him to say back off (tactfully) is agood idea. Its gone too far for me and my Mum.

[PhoenixSoaring]

good post bubblagirl

thanks to others who have posted.

I guess there have been times in my life when I wanted a father figure - but right now is not one of them. But at some point I would like to know why he walked out of me and my mum and possibly to hear an apology for not paying the maintenance whcih forced my mum to work all the hours possible and left me with a horrible childminder where I was abused.

OMG I am on a rant now I had better shut up

[ArmadilloDaMan]

rant away if you want sweetie

It might be easier to write down your options and positives/negatives of each and work it out that way.

[PhoenixSoaring]

thanks, thats v kind, but I am feeing really washed oout tonight so I think I will stop posting for now it is only getting me wound up!

[bubblagirl]

i'm sorry to hear that, that happened to you hun i too went through something similar and although you say because maintance wasnt paid this happened it the situation your mum was in may have been the same if your dad had stayed

but i do know how you feel but remember the person who did wrong there was the abuser your fdad had his own reasons to leave and that is for you to rsolve with him when you feel ready too

maybe seek help in other issues that still affect you and your thoughts to your dad may become less resentful

we will all make mistakes in life that will affect others but we only have our selves to look to for the answers good luck xx

[PhoenixSoaring]

thansk - I feel slightly better about it today (mainly because I have had other more important things to be thinking about). But I know I need to respond to him somehow and soon...

I am just afraid of yet more hurt or pain. I don't think I can take much more. Well my arms cant that is for sure...