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Have I been sexually assaulted?(126 Posts)
Weird question. I was in bed with the guy I've been dating the other night and we had sex. It was really painful and I kicked him away from me because the pain was intense. He was nearing climax anyway so came back and entered me for not very long, probs 30 seconds or so, maybe a minute, just enough to finish. It was horribly painful, and I was pushing on his stomach. He told me at the end that it had been stressful for him and I actually apologised, but the more I think about it, the more I feel that it just wasn't ok. I feel really weird. I dont think he's a criminal or anything, and I get that he was caught in the moment, but he really hurt me. I can't seem to make sense of it. He's talking like I was in the wrong but if someone told me they were hurting I'd stop immediately. Am I being too sensitive?
He's abused you. He had no right doing what he did just so he could ejaculate. He didn't care that you were in pain. Get rid of him.
I don’t mean to be blunt, but he raped you (because having sex with you against your will is rape, not “just” sexual assault) and then blamed you for making the experience stressful for him. How could any part of that mean you’re being too sensitive?
Yes you were. I’m sorry
What do you mean you kicked him away? Had you told him to stop and he didn’t so you had to use force?
He continued despite knowing he was causing you pain. Vile man.
You were trying to stop him. There is no way on earth anyone could have thought you were consenting.
Nobody who cared about you would have done that to you.
That's assault. I'm sorry.
It's ok to call a rapist a rapist. It's a descriptor of behaviour. And in this case it applies. You don't need to defend or make excuses for someone who hurt you.
Thank you. @Wigglegiggle0520 it was the position I guess, my leg was on his chest and I just kicked out and screamed in pain. But he came back and I was lay down, he was sat up, and he held on to my hips and entered me again. I couldn't get away then so I was pushing his stomach back. It was just gross.
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@MonroeM I absolutely won't be seeing him again. No way. And I blocked him, of course. But in the situation, part of me just felt like, just get it over with quickly. He wasn't some random man, I've been dating him for a while and he was telling me he loved me. And I really cared for him too. I wanted him to be happy, and its taking a few days to realise that it was actually pretty grim.
OMG and he has you apologising for it? HE found it stressful? Tell him exactly what he did and retract your apology, then never speak to him again.
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My first ever report on Mumsnet.
Shame on YOU for this comment!
Op, you are not to blame and there's no way you ought to feel ashamed.
Sweetheart, he has raped you. What he is, is a rapist who is guilty of a particularly hideous crime, given he did this to someone who was in obviously in pain and had withdrawn consent to the extent that she was fighting him off. It's unambiguous I'm afraid.
A PP has posted a link to rape crisis. You will need help first and foremost in coming to terms with and processing what has happened to you.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you 💐💐💐
So sorry you have had this happen to you. He must have known you were in pain. The second you gave any sign that you were in pain/didn't want to continue/said no, that's when he should have stopped. Immediately. When you reverse it, and, imagine a guy doesn't want to continue having sex, a woman would accept it, without question. I would hope anyway xxx
Did you ask him to stop?
She clearly stated she screamed in pain and kicked him away. What part of that sounds like she consented?
Did you ask him to stop?
WTF? She had told him to stop, he had stopped, she was trying to push him off, it would have been abundantly clear she didn't want it and he bloody knew it because he said she made it stressful.
These rape apologists on threads like this make me feel ill, genuinely. I can't imagine how they make the OP feel.
@CodenameVillanelle there’s a difference to him just being a dick and rape, that’s a big leap.
@OrangeGinLemonFanta I’m not apologising for rapists.
I was raped by a taxi driver after a night out in 2014. It’s the horrific experience.
@Beentherefonethat tbf no I didnt. I kicked him away and screamed and he moved away, but then he came back, and I didnt say stop. I could tell that he was close to finishing. Sorry, thats such a shitty thing to think. We're talking about someone I cared about though, and I felt like I wanted him to be happy. The pain was making me push him back though. It just wasn't clear cut at the time. I felt like it was my fault - that maybe I just wasn't as sexually experienced, and he seemed pretty frustrated that I was hurting. It was only after that I felt really strange about it and kept thinking about it. Over and over. Thinking about what I would have done if I was him, and struggling to understand how he could have carried on. He made it seem like I was sexually inexperienced and that's why it hurt. I spoke to two of my exes who I'd always had positive sexual experiences with, and they thought ot was out of order, and that I wasn't actually some sort of delicate little flower who needed to just relax more, like this man was making me feel.
And what is that difference?
A man who is told to stop, who knows he is causing physical pain, who decides to ignore the woman and to grab her, enter her again to finish his own climax...
... that man is what?
OP get all the help you need. He did assault you. You have no need to accept any crap about him being in the moment etc etc.
His reaction is disgusting and not normal. If my DH hurt me during sex (I have endo so does happen) he would stop and feel bad. The idea of me not enjoying myself completely puts him off.
there’s a difference to him just being a dick and rape, that’s a big leap.
I agree with this too. I know it was wrong. But I dont know to what extent it was wrong. The first part had been good, we were both in it, it just flipped in a second when he sat up.
Eurgh! That makes him sound even worse! He's really an unpleasant sexual bully. He certainly can't care about you if he brushes aside your feelings in order to get what he wants.
Leave him blocked.
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