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Should I go back?

(20 Posts)
Shouldigoback Sun 15-Nov-20 00:14:25

I moved out of the family home into my parents house a few weeks ago. I have 2 young children with my partner. All of a sudden I realised that I needed to leave because of his lack of involvement in my life and theirs. Also snapping at me had become the norm and was the only time he ever spoke to me.
He would spend weekends in bed until lunchtime and would rarely come with us to child orientated events. In the evenings he would come in from work, spend less than 5 mins with kids and go and spend the rest of the night in another room until they were in bed. When he was in the living room with us he would have his laptop on his knee and headphones on so totally unapproachable.
Our kids have never been the best sleepers. He would not even give me one lie in on a weekend to recharge my batteries because his lie ins were more important.
He is basically a selfish and lazy individual.

So, I left. He has demanded to have the kids 50% of the time. I'm really confused by this given his lack of involvement in their lives so far. Why would someone who has spent no time with them want them half the time? Even his parents joke about him never being in any of the pics I send to them because he is "in bed". I'm really struggling with being separated from the kids, I've barely been apart from them and now all of a sudden they aren't here half the time and it's really upsetting me. He came to collect them the other day and both kids were unhappy, the older one saying over and over again "I don't want to go home with daddy, I want to stay here with you" with tears streaming down the face. I was broken until I saw them again 24 hours later, all I could remember was this scene. Apparently they were all laughing and happy in the car 2 mins after which I'm hoping was true.

I do not love this man any more, I don't think I have for a while. He has been pretty nasty in this whole thing which has made me dislike him even more. But then he seems to swing into being totally charming again and almost begging for me to come home.
I really don't want to go home but really don't think I can continue having the kids taken away from me half the time so am starting to feel like I have no choice but to go back.
I'm in between a rock and a hard place.
Does anyone have any experience of this or can anyone offer any pearls of wisdom please?
Thanks in advance

OP’s posts: |
Weenurse Sun 15-Nov-20 00:17:50

Don’t go home.
Find a new home for you and DC.
How old are they?

Shouldigoback Sun 15-Nov-20 00:20:13

2 and 4
We can live with my parents until the house is sold and I can buy something else, housing isn't an issue

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BigMamaFratelli Sun 15-Nov-20 00:32:08

Oh gosh, please don't go back!

He wants 50:50 so he doesn't have to pay maintenance, that's all. And so he looks like a good dad to other people.

You probably will never get over the betrayal of him not being there for you when you needed him most. I know I didn't, even though he got so much better later on.

You will never get over the way he has let you down when you needed him.

Shouldigoback Sun 15-Nov-20 00:42:45

@BigMamaFratelli whatever his reason for having them 50% of the time doesn't change the fact that it's tearing me apart having them taken away half the time.
Hopefully he is just stepping up and being the dad that they deserve and not just doing it for financial reasons. I really hope he is interacting with them when they are there but the 4yo's response when he came to take them the other day isn't filling me with confidence.

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litterbird Sun 15-Nov-20 10:12:30

As others have said, its 50 50 so he doesn't have to pay out financially thats all. I saw a friends husband do the same thing. Let him navigate the children and time with him. He may very well tire of it all especially when someone else pops up in to the mix and he wants to spend time with the new woman. I know this is hurting you and you sound bereft without them. Can I urge you to use the free time wisely and learn something new, start making new friends and join groups (all on line right now I know). Get your confidence back and you will work towards a better you and a stronger you to help you in these moments you are without the children.

Coronawireless Sun 15-Nov-20 10:14:53

I would be heartbroken too.
It sounds as if you’re right to leave him.
Hopefully he’ll get bored and start making excuses not to take them.
Hang in there.

Coronawireless Sun 15-Nov-20 10:17:34

Is that the right thing to say? Would you prefer them to have a good relationship with them? Maybe he’ll step up and it will happen.
If he’s not looking after them well it will become clear and you can look at options.
Again, missing them must be so awful. I feel for you but in the long term it’s probably the storm before the peace.

Manxiety Sun 15-Nov-20 10:29:59

You know him well OP. How do you really think this will play out? My guess is that he's doing it to piss you off as he knows you don't want him to take them. That he will get bored of it pretty soon. That if he meets someone else he will reduce contact in favour of that.

Or - this might be just the thing he needs. It doesn't sound like he was forging a relationship with them before and this will mean he does. And that's got to be a good thing.

Either way, I'd let him continue. Take the time for self-care. Sleep. See people. Make plans. When you meet someone new it'd be good to have some alone time. This will either be the making or breaking if him.

Beentherefonethat Sun 15-Nov-20 10:59:47

Don’t go back op.

The first weekend my children went with their dad for the weekend, I slid down the wall crying and went back to bed. By the fourth one I was waiting for him. Use the time they’re gone to do your own thing and before long it won’t be so hard.

RoxanneMonke Sun 15-Nov-20 11:08:28

I think I would be fighting the 50:50 as it doesn’t seem to be in the children’s best interests. Can you speak to a solicitor? Definitely do not go back.

Shouldigoback Sun 15-Nov-20 11:13:07

@litterbird yes I would love to start getting on with other things and getting back to who I was before. I wish this bloody lockdown would end so I could meet up with friends and keep myself busy when they are gone.

@Coronawireless I'm really hoping this is the Storm before the calm! This is so awful to be going through and I just want it over and want to know what life will be like moving forward so I can start discussing it with the kids and draw up a week planner so they know exactly what will be happening and when. If this is all planned out it will be easier for them and will be predictable so will be better for everyone.

@Manxiety I really hope this is him becoming the parent they deserve. But I also kind of hope he gets bored and just leaves me to it

OP’s posts: |
Manxiety Sun 15-Nov-20 18:54:54

Shouldigoback

*@litterbird* yes I would love to start getting on with other things and getting back to who I was before. I wish this bloody lockdown would end so I could meet up with friends and keep myself busy when they are gone.

@Coronawireless I'm really hoping this is the Storm before the calm! This is so awful to be going through and I just want it over and want to know what life will be like moving forward so I can start discussing it with the kids and draw up a week planner so they know exactly what will be happening and when. If this is all planned out it will be easier for them and will be predictable so will be better for everyone.

@Manxiety I really hope this is him becoming the parent they deserve. But I also kind of hope he gets bored and just leaves me to it

Well done op. It already sounds like you are calming down and seeing this for what it is. As other PPs have said, enjoy this time. It may not last.

user1294729492759 Sun 15-Nov-20 18:57:42

What happened to your previous thread?

billy1966 Sun 15-Nov-20 19:11:05

Please don't go back.

You were so brave to leave.

You know who he is.
His parents know who he is.

A selfish disinterested pig.

Your children will benefit so much from having a parent who is happy.

You can do this.

flowers

Shouldigoback Sun 15-Nov-20 21:41:03

@user1294729492759 it posted twice last night. I thought it had failed so reposted, slightly different name confused

OP’s posts: |
Shouldigoback Sun 15-Nov-20 22:17:07

Thanks all for the support all
I've spoken to a friend tonight with a background in law who has really helped calm me down and give me some pointers for next steps.
We are going to have an informal mediation meeting a week on Monday, fingers crossed. We are going to bring a parent of ours each who will have the children's best interests at heart and will hopefully assist with coming to an agreement about what's best.

OP’s posts: |
dublingirl66 Sun 15-Nov-20 22:22:51

Best of luck

He sounds abusive

Why should he get the kids 50/50

I don't get it?!!

ToomuchPeppa Mon 16-Nov-20 20:01:55

I could have written this post OP. We are currently selling our house, but still (awkwardly) co-habiting. At this very moment, he is sat on the sofa with his laptop and headphones - where he’s been for the last 2.5 hours while I’ve sorted the kids, done dinner, tidied up etc. I got fed up of it being me and the children, and then him on his own, doing his own thing, never wanting to do anything with us. No words of wisdom I’m afraid, just wanted you to know that you’re not alone. Our children will be happier in the long run. I don’t think they should grow up thinking that the way of life at the moment is the ‘norm’.

Shouldigoback Mon 16-Nov-20 23:21:41

@ToomuchPeppa
I'm sorry to hear you're in the same boat.
It's all just so awful. I hope it gets easier for you. The dad is demanding seeing our children for 50% of the time yet barely looked at them on a daily basis. Do you know what will happen with your children when you eventually manage to make the break? Will he demand 50% too?
I collected my 2 from their setting earlier and they said my 4yo had not been herself this afternoon. She didn't eat her snack which was unusual because it was hot dog and she would usually eat all of that and she had been quiet and sad.
I asked her about it in the car on the way home and she said she didn't eat her snack because she was crying, she was crying because she hadn't seen me for so long and was missing me. He had them from Sunday am to this morning. He doesn't seem to care about the impact this is having on the children so long as he gets to see them 50% of the evenings.
I've spoken to a lawyer friend who has said he does have the right to have them 50% of the time but hopefully his interest will dwindle over time. Not having my kids with me is just awful for them and me. If they were happy with the arrangement I'm sure I would be happier about it all.
Best of luck to you.
Have you had any offers yet?
Hopefully it will sell quick while the stamp duty holiday is on.
How old are your 2?

OP’s posts: |

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