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Fibs and omitting information for an easy life

(51 Posts)
MattBerrysHair Sat 14-Nov-20 16:18:08

Dp and I have been together 5 years. We lived together 3 years ago but his teenage DS started getting into trouble with a bad crowd so I asked them to leave to shield my primary aged DC from it and we continued our relationship living separately. Now his ds is an adult and doing his own thing I asked dp to move in 3 days ago.

There are lots of positives about him and the relationship, but every few months or so I find out he's concealed something or even outright lied. None of the lies are anything that affects me personally eg he bought an expensive item for a hobby when he could have put the money towards paying off debt, but obviously the fact he feels it's acceptable to deceive me about things pisses me off.

Yesterday my dsis told me about the expensive hobby item after I told her we were planning on him moving in.
I'm more disappointed and tired of it than angry. Only 2 months ago I found out he'd been concealing how much money he actually owed on his credit card. Technically his finances were nothing to do with me at the time, but he didn't need to lie and chose to do so anyway.

His reasons for concealing things are usually because he didn't want to worry me, or that he thought I'd disapprove.

I've already decided that he can't move in. What I'm struggling to decide is whether to continue as we are or break up. The positives of the relationship far outnumber the negatives, it's just that the negatives are a big deal to me. Deception means no trust and I think I either have to accept that he won't change and live with it or break up.

Please help me see things objectively. The fact our relationship is so good and loving, and that I would truly miss us being together, is making it hard to think rationally.

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YoniAndGuy Sat 14-Nov-20 16:55:34

People like this never change. Lying is the go-to option, just to make their lives that tiny bit easier. The fact that he lies when he doesn't 'have' to - there's no real reason to - tells you everythign you need to know.

You'll never fully trust him. You know deep down that if something bad ever happened, he would lie to you about it.

I couldn't live with that.

DoWahDiddy Sat 14-Nov-20 17:07:12

My dad is like that and it has destroyed our relationship. What it's made me is completely honest. He is my anti-hero, everything he is I'm the opposite. It's the lack of integrity that grates me, we can't have a conversation because what's agreed in that conversation is never followed through with, just more lies and excuses.

To be a good liar you need to have a good memory...

MattBerrysHair Sat 14-Nov-20 17:08:04

You're right @YoniAndGuy. It's not a way to live.

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MrsTerryPratchett Sat 14-Nov-20 17:14:44

It looks like a two-way decision for him. Tell you or not tell you and he doesn't. But actually it's a three-way. When faced with a decision he has three choices:

Do what he wants and be honest, even though you'll be annoyed. This shows conviction, honesty and boundaries. It also shows a lack of trust in you.

Don't do the thing because on balance he can't justify it. The thought of telling you highlights that he shouldn't really. Shows responsibility and planning.

Do the thing and lie. Dishonest and he's probably making some poor decisions.

Now imagine that in 5 years he meets a very attractive woman, away from home, who knows no one he knows...what decision do you think he will make?

MattBerrysHair Sat 14-Nov-20 17:25:16

You're all right. What's confused me is that when I told dsis i was thinking of ending the relationship she said she thought that was too drastic. She said definitely don't have him move in, but that because the day to day relationship is a positive one it was worth keeping.

My gut agrees with all of you.

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HollowTalk Sat 14-Nov-20 17:27:11

If you can never live with him because he's a liar then what's the point in the relationship?

YoniAndGuy Sat 14-Nov-20 17:28:35

Yes but that's not the way to look at it really, is it? It's not a FULL relationship. It's a kind of fake one. All jolly laughs and fun... but deep down you don't trust him. No to moving in, too risky.

And, the fact that a real solid decent man could be passing you by while you kind of waste time not-investing in the liar.

MattBerrysHair Sat 14-Nov-20 19:03:39

Sorry if this seems like a drip feed, but I just want to explain why my dsis has tried to persuade me not to end the relationship.

I think dsis is concerned that I may not cope on my own. I have aspergers and can burn out if I'm not careful. I work part time and receive PIP. My MH has been manageable since 'd'p has been around to help with cooking, chores, school runs, stepping in when I get overwhelmed etc. He stays over 3 nights a week and pops in every day when he's not staying over. I can see why she's taking the stance that the 'positives outweigh the negatives', but I don't want to be reliant on this relationship in order to function. I want to learn to pace myself and be independent. I admit I'm very scared I won't cope with the daily stresses of work and parenting without support. I've had numerous MH breakdowns in the past when I've burnt out and, naturally, dsis is worried.

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EvenMoreFuriousVexation Sat 14-Nov-20 19:13:47

Oh fuck that shit, you can't put up with a liar just because he helps you out when you're poorly. How's that going to help, anyway, when he buggers off when he decides you're cramping his style with your inconvenient financial common sense?

I'm not saying you should definitely dump for this alone - but if you're looking for a living-together relationship and possibly marriage and dc together, then I'd suggest you need to look elsewhere.

Can you make some plans and strategies to help when you're not coping? Don't stay in a relationship because you feel the need to rely on one person.

Fidgety31 Sat 14-Nov-20 19:15:14

I think he lies to you because it’s easier than dealing with your response if he were to tell you the truth .
I say this because the things he is lying about are things you’ve said you would disapprove of .

MattBerrysHair Sat 14-Nov-20 20:04:59

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation I don't want a partner particularly and I'm definitely not wanting any more babies! My youngest is 9 and I've had my tubes tied. I'm content to be alone, just a bit scared of it IYSWIM. Being an autistic parent is exhausting and burnout is a very real danger, but If I'm very very careful I think I will cope.

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MattBerrysHair Sat 14-Nov-20 20:06:48

@Fidgety31 I'm aware of that. Everyone has boundaries and things they don't approve of and deserve not to be lied to about them by their partners.

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litterbird Sat 14-Nov-20 20:11:44

I think people around you who love you are trying to protect you. Sometimes at a cost. I don't think you DP means to keep it from you its just as he says, it means you don't go into stressful meltdowns. If you have Aspergers then your DP will know how it can affect you and have an affect on relationships. You sister is right to try and keep you in a supportive relationship. However, if you feel ready to be independent and you cannot deal with him keeping things from you then get professional support around you and change things in your life so you don't burn out so quickly. Join support groups and talk to your sister if you do choose to move forward alone. Good luck OP.

MattBerrysHair Sat 14-Nov-20 20:42:13

@litterbird I know dsis is looking out for me and I appreciate it. I don't have meltdowns ever, or react overly emotionally to conflict or disagreements. I have shutdowns and take myself off for 20 mins or so if I feel stressed, but this never happens in response to relationship issues. I'm a good listener and don't tend to be judgemental. Because of all this I know for sure that the driving force behind 'd'ps fibs and omissions is self-preservation and not at all a desire to protect me. I've caught him out fibbing to other people for the same reasons so it's not specific to me and our relationship, it's just how he is with the world.

I've got a great support group and some decent strategies for pacing myself. I had a lot of professional help after my last breakdown 18 months ago and have safety plans, routines, meal plans etc all in place still and my life is so much easier as a result.

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youvegottenminuteslynn Sat 14-Nov-20 21:05:09

Being with someone who instinctively lies is death by a thousand papercuts. It either means you never relax and end up suspicious all the time, on a state of high alert due to their prior history of lying. Or you never relax and end up feeling vindicated when they inevitably get caught in a lie, but angry with yourself for staying. Honesty is probably the most important thing in a partner. Without that it's a losing battle really.

MitziK Sat 14-Nov-20 22:01:32

Trust your judgement. You can't trust him.

He, however, stands to gain a home, unearned income and, if you reluctantly accept his lies, a hugely comfortable life just from 'being nice' when he needs to persuade you to invite him to move in.

Once his feet are under the table, he doesn't have to do any of that anymore. He can just continue lying and spending.

You can do this yourself. Don't let him convince you and everybody else that you can't do it without him. You can do it.

Onthedunes Sat 14-Nov-20 22:22:16

Believe me, his lies will make you unwell.

The lies will go across the board until you won't know what reality is !

whlp Sat 14-Nov-20 22:23:59

My boyfriend spends all weekend with his ex , they eat dinner every night together , they have a two year old. They do stuff together eg walks. Am I unreasonable to not like this.

Eckhart Sat 14-Nov-20 22:39:08

I've ended a relationship over lies. Tiny lies. My ex looked at me incredulously each time and said 'Why do you even care? It's such a tiny thing, it doesn't even make a difference to you!'

I didn't think at the time to say 'Why bother lying about it, then?'

The reason I cared was because it felt like gaslighting. Telling me it's just a tiny thing, but it being big enough to be dishonest to me. It's an unfathomable mindset to me. The clincher was that my ex couldn't understand why it upset me. I openly said 'We're not arguing about what you lied about, we're arguing because you lied at all.' and drew nothing more than a blank expression. I also asked 'How big would a lie have to be before you should actually be honest with me instead?', and got laughed at for being dramatic.

Lying is never ok, and liars' justifications are logic free, selfish, and often patronising or avoidant. None of this is acceptable.

DoWahDiddy Sat 14-Nov-20 23:09:33

Lying is never ok, and liars' justifications are logic free, selfish, and often patronising or avoidant. None of this is acceptable.

^ Exactly that. Especially 'logic free'. I'd like to add manipulative to that post.

ThatsAllFolks Sat 14-Nov-20 23:31:51

I was married to someone who lied as often as he drew breath. About everything. Big or small. To the extent that if he said it was raining, we checked before we engaged. I don't know why he is like that. I do know I'm so much much happier without him. It was a constant worry. What is he up to I don't know? Him deny deny. Me catch him out. Relief. Sort it out. Wait for the build of the new cycle. I'm so much better off without those big lies. Sacked. Fake heart attacks even leading to heart procedures. Gambling. Debts. But it was the little lies that killed. He said I was cold. But I couldn't engage in any conversation cos I had spent too long trying to engage and fix fake scenarios. Wasting my time. My DP has asperger's. He wouldn't dream of lying. I'm grateful for him every day. The drip drip drip of fake reality is gone

ThatsAllFolks Sat 14-Nov-20 23:37:44

There's always a justifying reason...I didn't tell u because... it's always a load of bullshit

ThatsAllFolks Sat 14-Nov-20 23:46:46

Ps the word fib in itself excuses a lie

borntohula Sat 14-Nov-20 23:52:16

It all seems to be money related? Some people are embarrassed by debt and if it was, in your words, none of your business, why would he tell you? Is he ever honest about stuff?

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