Sexism, feeling downtrodden by my mum and DH

[cadburyegg]

DH and i have had a lot of problems this year (i know everyone has had a difficult year) he lost his job in july as a direct result of covid, thankfully he is now working again but the way he treated me when he wasn't working was awful. I have been wfh since March, still did 50% of the childcare responsibilities, school runs etc (DS's are 5 and 2). In this time he has used DS1 as a pawn against me in arguments more than once, often insisted i finished working early so I could watch the kids while he made dinner, was irresponsible with money (e.g. buying himself expensive gadgets whilst on JSA, when I was worrying about how to afford winter coats for the kids) and generally acted like having to look after the kids was a huge imposition on him. He even said he wasn't that concerned about being out of work because he was claiming JSA, even though it was our savings and my salary that was paying for everything. I feel like he has very little respect for me and my work despite the fact that i actually earn more than him. This has caused a lot of arguments. Being back at work has massively inflated his ego and he's "joked" more than once about "how important his job is" whilst I now have to juggle my own job around doing 100% of the school runs and childcare responsibilities during the week as well as 80% of life admin and housework.

I've been talking to my mum a bit about the whole thing and she just has a really sexist attitude. I should mention that my dad was physically abusive (to her and me) and she implies that because DH doesn't hit me that i need to learn to live with it. I don't want to mention the situation to her anymore because she just says, "aw you're not splitting up are you???" Her attitude is very much "this is what men are like". I asked her to give me the number of her electrician as we need some minor works done and she implied that I need to ask DH's permission just to get a quote done.

I don't know what to do really. I'm just feeling very downtrodden and I don't know if I'm just being ridiculous and oversensitive about it all because that's the way i've been made to feel. I've only given a few examples because I don't want this to be really long. But I just don't know what to do about it and I feel like the closest adults to me in my life are against me.

[LittleMissnotLittleMrs]

If you aren’t happy, start looking at other options. An abusive husband and dismissive mother will not change. You managed so much better when it’s just you.

[WinterSunglasses]

Stop talking to your mum about it as she's wrong, you know she's wrong, and that's not helping. Who else can you talk to?

What is your husband's reason for not doing any of the school runs? How have discussions about that gone in the past?

[pointythings]

So your husband is a lazy sexist asshole and your mum is an enabler. I would be telling both of them to sort themselves out and treat you decently and if they don't, you walk. You work, you are strong and independent and you don't need to take their shit.

[FippertyGibbett]

I think you should look at your options, and maybe not ask your mum her opinion or let her know chat you are thinking.
You need to decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life as you are, or if you would be better going it alone.
Think about how you want your life, and your children’s, to be in 5, 10, 20 years.

[HollowTalk]

Your mum will never ever give you good advice and you have to take that on board, sadly.

As for your husband... words fail me. What would a future without him hanging around be like?

[SuitedandBooted]

Don't expect understanding from your Mum. Just don't. Take her out of your thought process. She is an enabler and won't change.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? He won't change either. Why should he? His remark about being happy to stay on JSA shows you everything you need to know about his attitude towards you.

[LannieDuck]

1. Ignore your mum - stop talking to her about it.

1. Decide whether you're happy with your DH any more.

I wouldn't be happy in your situation - anyone who didn't treat me as an equal, and who didn't instinctively split the housework and childcare with me 50:50 isn't someone I could be in a relationship with.

[cadburyegg]

I really appreciate the replies. I’m honestly surprised tbh. I was almost expecting to be told I am being over sensitive. I guess that says a lot.

But you all raise good points. The thing is my kids are happy. I just don’t know if I can live with the guilt of breaking up my family.

[Mabelface]

Thing is, it's your husbands behaviour that's breaking up the family.

[Bigpaintinglittlepainting]

My god, you have put up with a lot of shit

If it’s any consolation when I was with my cocklodging useless ex my mum said much the same as yours. If I’d listened to her I would still be in that terrible situation now.

Listen to your heart, your husband is horrible to you. Your children will eventually notice that and they are young, young enough that if you split up they likely would adapt quickly

[Sexnotgender]

Your kids might appear happy, but is this the kind of relationship you want to model for them?

[GeorgiaGirl52]

Your children are boys. Is their father the kind of man you want them to grow up and become? When they are 15 and 12 they will be telling you "No I won't do that. Fix me some food and wash my clothes and give me some money. That's a woman's job." Get out now and raise them to be men who respect and appreciate what a woman contributes to the family.

[Newgirls]

Your mum can’t help you so park that one in the ‘she’s nice but very different to me’

Then find time to talk to your husband when you are both ok, not angry, not knackered. It might be worth booking online relate. If he got a job etc then things might improve so seems a shame to ditch him yet but you know him better than any of us. Sounds like you are holding everything together well done you superstar

[cadburyegg]

I forgot to add, I do the school runs and most of the childcare because he is out of the house 7-5 during the week now. The issue is that I don’t feel he respects me or my work and doesn’t respect what I bring to the table. I have tried talking to him about it a lot and he says that he does, but his attitude and actions say different

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

cadburyegg

re your comment:-
"I just don’t know if I can live with the guilt of breaking up my family".

Your H has already done this by his actions. Do you think he and for that matter your parents feel guilty?. No they do not.

Better to be from a so called broken home too than to remain in one.
Words are cheap and his words count for nothing, look at his actions here towards you and in turn your kids. Would you want your sons as adults to behave like their dad?. No you would not and this relationship is not good enough for you either. This is NOT the relationship model you want to be showing them. Your kids will pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken at home.

You yourself weren't shown a very good model of a relationship when you were growing up. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. I think you've married another not too dissimilar version of your own father and absorbed the crap lessons about relationships your mother also taught you. She is her H's enabler and both she and your H do not want the best for you either. She would want you to stay with this man for the same reasons she chose to remain with her H; she has not changed and will not change. Do not do as she did. You have a choice re your H; your children do not.

[goldenharvest]

Your husband sounds a total wanker, and i would seriously think about staying with someone like that.

Unfortunately your DMs bar is set very low, so you will get no help there.

Talk to friends and rethink your marriage.

[cadburyegg]

I know that counselling is an option but I feel like the problems in our relationship are down to his attitude and personality which is never going to change is it?

I just wish I felt they weren’t all against me. I don’t think I’m strong enough to do this on my own

[cadburyegg]

Forgot to say my in laws are also toxic and overprotective of DH and (pre lockdown) every time they come over they make sly comments to the children about “we need to tidy up for mummy”

[category12]

But you do it on your own all the time. You're doing all the childcare and most of the housework. He just adds work and poor treatment to your life.

You'd be doing it without being torn down all the time if you got shot of him. Don't underestimate the weight of the emotional burden that is.

[category12]

Sounds like you need a good clear-out of all the toxic people in your life.

[Requinblanc]

Do you have any friends that can support you and who you can talk to?

It sounds like you need to clear out these toxic people from your life.

I would make plans to leave him, as you and your kids will be much happier without your husband and they don't need to grow up with such an influence in their lives, it is likely will negatively affect their relationships in the future and how they see women.

Your mother does not seem to know what a happy, equal, supportive relationship is so don't listen to her on this.

[Porridgeoat]

Yes time to look at who your spending time with. Your happiness is important. Maybe ask DH to move out for 6 months to give you a bit of space while you decide what to do next

Or ask him to pay for a cleaner and childcare so that you can split responsibilities 50/50 to support your well-being. If he’s paying for a service the penny might drop.

[Porridgeoat]

What happens weekends?

[Vinosaurus]

@category12

Sounds like you need a good clear-out of all the toxic people in your life.

This.

Your mother will not give you the support you crave (as we all do from our parents), so I think you're going to need another sounding board I'm afraid. She's clearly an enabler/product of her own upbringing and experience so I'd keep her very much at arm's length. And certainly don't allow her to fill your DCs head with any of her archaic views.

It sounds like your "D"H's parents may be cut from the same cloth and he's therefore been raised to believe in the inferiority and servitude required of a wife/women in general. By all means try to mediate with him via marriage counselling but, as you said, it's doubtful he'll change his ways for more than a token amount of time.

[LargeProsecco]

I had a similar situation a year ago; ex DP lost his job. I had an honest conversation where I told him I could not continue to carry the burden of working full-time & doing everything at home - that I needed his support.

And you know what he did? Fuck all!! Sat around the house doing nothing whilst I worked, did all drop off's etc. Not a meal cooked, no shopping done, house was filthy.

I was not able to come back from that. The disrespect, laziness, selfishness, manipulation.

No bloody way was I putting up with that. It totally killed my feelings for him. It was the end of my relationship.