Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
How many times do you have to tell your partner that you are unhappy before I have to leave the hard way?
Been with my partner 4 years. 2 young children together. Been unhappy for around a year now.
Since being with him I have changed so much and granted some of it was for the better, I was terrible with money and was drinking a lot mostly at the weekends. I used to have my hair, nails, eyelashes done, I used to be active on social media and I had a good relationship with family and a close group of friends.
Now I don't even recognise myself. I don't drink anymore and I handle my money a lot better and I believe that is down to him because he woke me up to reality. But I have now found myself cut off from my friends, strained relationship with family, no forms of social media, no control over my own money, gave up my car for the one he wanted (I hate it). I look run down I'm not confident and basically just miserable.
He criticises everything I do, he has the final say on everything, he is lazy with the children, he doesn't lift a finger at home, we don't go out....EVER!
I have told him all this and my only response is "your not perfect and I don't want my children raised in a broken home"
Surely a broken home is better than an unhappy one. He won't separate on good terms and he will make my life hard work.
I don't have the balls or finances to up and leave.
You're probably going to have to leave the hard way regardless. It sounds like he won't accept it so you need to make the decision to start making plans to leave. To be clear, its not up to him if you stay, take back that power and make the decision to end it. Get in contact with your family, im sure they will help you. Start reaching out to people for support. When I ended my long term relationship I got 3 of my closest friends close and on standby, it took months when I did it I had the support there waiting. Its never too late to get in contact with people you have pushed away.
"*your not perfect and I don't want my children raised in a broken* home"
They are in a broken home now, with a uninterested father, and a mother who is worn down with apparently no life of her own.
Trust me, the people you pushed away will be there for you if you confide in them and they know what you've been going through. Try and get some support from people while you're building up the confidence to leave. I think it's hard to ever leave a man like that amicably and without a fuss...Sometimes you need to take the harsher option and just plan & go. That's what I'm currently in the process of. Sending you strength xx
Agreed. The best thing you can do for your children (nevermind yourself!) is leave and provide a happy home.
That sounds like coercive control (domestic abuse). That doesn't mean he's a "monster", it means he wants to feel powerful and believes he has the right to dominate you.
It is not normal for a partner to take control of your money, to cut you off from friends and family, to isolate you from support, to allow you to make no decisions about your life or children, and to put you down all the time.
What he is doing is deliberate and the misery it is caused is what he wanted. It keeps you downtrodden and under his control.
A decent partner who loved you would want you to thrive. He would have off days but would be capable of apologising and listening.
Pp are right. Your home is already broken.
The only way this changes is if you decide to end the relationship and take the necessary steps. He will never give you permission or agreement because that would mean losing control of you.
You may find it helpful to talk to Women's Aid and/or the Freedom Programme course.
You really need to get out of this relationship, this is no life for your children, what are you modelling for them?
What user wrote. Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning from you two here?. This is NO relationship model at all to be showing them. All this man solely cares about is his own self as well as getting his needs met.
You have a choice re this man, they do not.
Re your comment:-
"Surely a broken home is better than an unhappy one. He won't separate on good terms and he will make my life hard work".
Correct. Abusive men like this are not going to suddenly turn into some sort of Disney dad post separation either; this is who he really is.
If you can go into town today, go to Boots and ask to go into one of their consultation rooms. There is help for you from domestic abuse charities there too. Find your inner strength here and get this man out of your day to day life permanently. If he wants to see his children going forward then I would suggest the use of a contact centre (no informal arrangement).
You've done a lot for such a short relationship. It's all part of growth and development, there's some good that can come out of bad relationships. Sounds like you've got a control freak whose tied you down to him with 2 kids very quickly.
Happily you are getting wise to it all fairly quickly and are seeing him for what it is. He's always going to want control over you, so you'll have to accept that it's not ever going to be an amicable split.
If you can, reconnect with family and friends, you will need their support when you leave and you e not been out of the loop too long.
So, the good you can take is less drinking and being better with money, also add now standing up for yourself. If he won't let you reconnect with people, you can go regardless with outside agencies, then reconnect. Depends how bad his coercion is, how you proceed. Do you fear him?
Women’s aid can help
Reach out to your family too and tell them how you feel
You can do this. One step at a time
Can you squirrel some money away, small amounts at a time. Get together documents you will need
Speak to CAB about finances.
Wishing you all the best
You are not trapped, you just need a plan.
You need to speak with the CAB, learn what help you can get.
Do you work? Do your rent or have a mortgage? are you married?
he will have to pay a fixed amount for DC whether he likes it or not.
You may have to leave your home, & go somewhere you don't like, but it will be temporary, & you can accept that as a stepping stone.
You will be you able to give your DC a life without his oppression.
It is worth the struggle, & soon you will "shine" again ....
Start by talking to your family
If your not happy just leave. What are you waiting for? But be careful what you wish for.
Please can you tell me what CAB is? I have no access to money. I have to ask for money and usually a follow up as to what I need it for. I recently went to Lidl and spent £6 on a couple of pumpkins and Halloween treats for my eldest and his response was "they look good but where did you get the money?" It was simply just change I had found laying around the house. I still have a relationship with my mum, she can't stand him and I think the feeling is mutual, my mum would have us all at her house no questions asked. She would help me get back on my feet. My heart breaks though for my eldest, she adores her dad it tortures me to think of her crying for her daddy if I was to up and leave. No we are not married, no mortgage, no savings.
CAB is the Citizen’s Advice Bureau. I would also recommend Women’s Aid. He is financially abusing you, as well as emotionally. Does he go out to work? Honestly I would just pack up your stuff and go to your mum’s. he’s not going to change. Do you/the kids have things like passports? You need to try and get a few bits of important paperwork together, passports, birth certificates, etc and just go.
He would turn up at my mums and cause a riot. Yes he works I'm currently on maternity I get around £800 a month I pay my bills and the rest goes into his account because rent and car insurance and car tax and council tax comes out of his account
OP..you have not got better with money as you said in your PP....he's just controlling your money for you. Please please get out xx
If he turns up at your mum's then you call the police. You really need to get away from this man.
Before going, & you really must go to your Mums asap.
Please get copies of his pay slips, (this will prove how much he earns to when he lies re income. www.gov.uk/child-benefit/what-youll-get
Anything that is important to you, momentos, photos, kitchen gear, stuff you have been given or bought, take with you as there is no certainty you will get back things intact, or at all.
If he goes to work, you can organise this quickly when he is out,
If not you will have to be a lot more subtle & take things gradually & give to your Mum, or ask a friend if you can store things temporarily. you can say its stuff the the charity shop, too small etc
If you Mum can drive round, or you can take the car then that's great, Stuff the DC clothes, toys, bedding, towels, etc into big bin bags & get gone. get your clothes, jewellery, toiletries etc, & do the same
Make sure your phone & computer your bank account & your email passwords are changed, your "find my phone" is off, & any joint "cloud" passwords are changed/un linked.
Go & live the rest of your life
If he turns up at your Mums, she can answer the door, & say you are not there, you are down the police station reporting domestic abuse, & not to come there again, If he says he wants to see his children, she says you are staying with friends
Meanwhile You block him on your phone, he can email. You do not need to speak to him until you have got sorted out, His daughter can go to him at organised contact times.
Do not believe a single thing he says , he will give you "the script". ie He will change, he will go to a councillor, anything to get you back in that box.
& Intermittently threatening you with taking the DC, saying you have mental health problems, & it is all your fault
Take as much paperwork as you can get, birth certs, passports,, & all your important personal paperwork
He doesn't want you to because he wants to keep controlling you. If you cannot leave right away tell him your going to the police about the abuse see if this changes his mind. what could he do if you didn't transfer the rest of your wages to him? You need money to live off hes not your owner. If you had spare cash you could save up to escape right now hes got you where he wants you. Also if this was your dc in the future what would you advise them?
Another checking in, hope you are ok. <3
Please login first.