Woman just called to say she's sleeping with my partner

[ohmanseriously]

Hello

I'm 38 with a teenage son (pride and joy) and my own business which I love. I have a lovely partner, who was on a temporary work post overseas when Covid struck and to cut a long story short he has been quarantined, so we have been unable to see each other for 14 months.

He was due to move back home permanently in the summer and he took the job because it was huge money and we are saving to buy our home together but we speak every day, usually for hours so the relationship was going very good.

Then I got covid in March and was seriously ill, hospitalised with pneumonia and then had 4 months at home in bed recuperating which was a very long road and a lot of days and nights of not being able to breathe very well. My partner was really supportive throughout.

I started to get back on my feet by the end of July, then a few weeks later we found out my son has a tumour. We had to go through a long period of tests and thank God, it is benign, but it was about 6 weeks of the most unimaginable stress and he also needs quite significant surgery still.

In the background of all that stress, as well as the general stress of covid and being locked up without my partner here, my business, which is in the hospitality sector has collapsed because events are banned for so long and because I am a small company director I was one of those excluded from financial assistance.

My savings are exhausted but I wasn't worried because my partner has plenty.

So it's been stressful to say the least.

Then tonight a woman called me and told me her friend has been having an affair for months with my partner. I was so shocked you could have blown me over with a feather.

She was tearful and seemed drunk but cryptic and said it had been going on for ages. I asked how she got my number and she wouldn't answer.

I called my partner, and he admitted he slept with someone else a couple of times and now she is stalking him. While I was on the phone she was trying to smash down his door and in the end he called the police.

Then the woman who called me started texting me and calling more and was quite incoherent. She then added me on Facebook. I accepted and there's pictures of her with my partner that makes clear they have been spending time together for a few months.

So it's her he has been seeing. She is about 20 years older than me.

I didn't anything unusual, my partner has always been lovely, but he was withdrawn for a couple of months so probably feeling guilty?!

Partner says he loves me and she was a huge mistake.

I know it's over, my I am finding it hard to process that this man who is meant to love me was shagging someone else while I was laying here nearly dying and being frightened to my bones for my son.

Can anyone chat to me so I don't feel so alone. This woman keeps calling me ranting and I am not sure what to do.

Thanks

[SillyMoomin]

I’m sorry this has happened to you

1. Block the woman calling you
   
   That’s my only advice for now. Try and get some sleep. The rest can wait till morning

[lovelemoncurd]

I'm sorry you have been through all of this. I didn't want to read and run.

Never mind blocking the woman. Block the cheating partner. He's lying to you. It's a typical response to say 'it's nothing she's a stalker'. I wonder what she would say about that?

[Zoflorabore]

Agree with Silly totally.

Block her for a start. Concentrate on you and your lovely boy.

Are there any practical details sort out over breaking up? If so, put them to one side for now and make a list of things to deal with tomorrow. You’ve had a terrible shock on top right of an already terrible year so please be kind to yourself and take any offers of support in real life.

What an idiot he is to throw away family life for a fling. He will massively regret what he’s done ( and definitely now he’s been caught out ) and you will no doubt be devastated. It’s like a grief and you will go through the stages but eventually will come through it.

Thinking of you op

[Angelina1972]

Oh my goodness you poor thing!! This is an awful experience you are going through, so traumatising.
I hope you are getting some rest now.
If it’s a long distance relationship now, you really can’t trust him. Goes without saying, take it easy and look after yourself.

[ohmanseriously]

There is nothing practical to unravel. Finances were kept separate. Although it leaves me screwed because he was my financial security because of the covid situation all my savings are gone.

AS she was phoning me, he was also phoning me and it was obvious she was outside his house banging and screaming and trying to smash his door in. After 4 hours of this, the police arrived and took her away (neighbours called them).

I have no anger at her - it's not her fault and I feel bad for her as he's screwed us both. But the impression is she was sex on the side and she always knew he had a partner.

I've not blocked either one yet as I was trying to get the truth sorted and make sure stories matched.

I feel a bit like going through thinking my child might have cancer and then finding out so recently that he didn't, that I can't muster the energy to feel sad or upset about this.

I mean, it's awful and I realise my brain must be very strained and I really did love my partner and trusted him completely, but it feels a bit like with all the horror in the world, if he can't love me enough not to do this then it's not worth it.

Loved ones are so precious - I can't understand why anyone would voluntarily do this

I am just sorry that I lost my best friend and it's going to be difficult.

[ohmanseriously]

Maybe I am in shock. I feel nothing. I don't even feel angry. It's really odd! I've smoked half a pack of fags and I've not smoked for years

[jessstan1]

I'm so, so sorry, what a blow on top of all your other problems. Please try to get at least a couple of hours sleep.

[Hailtomyteeth]

I am very sorry. Keep talking. You aren't alone. MNers have been there.

And if you can sleep, do.

[Ningnang2000]

Really sorry to hear this has happened. Go with your gut. You've dealt with so much on your own already I'm 100% you can handle this too.

[ohmanseriously]

Thanks so much everyone for replying at such a late hour. I really appreciate it because it's calming me.

I've not cried yet. I've just been pacing. She stopped calling me but he is still messaging saying he loves me and he has ruined his life.

I just feel cold, like all the love went out of me in a moment.

[Nc135]

@ohmanseriously couldn’t read this and run. That is awful OP. Sending all my hugs your way. As you say you are simply exhausted with other huge events in your life that indeed if this happens then shrug and walk away. He was a shit to do that especially during this difficult period. And yes there is no point being angry at the OW. She is also clearly suffering too.

[pergnet]

So sorry that you are going through this.

Yes, you should leave him. But don't feel like he didn't love you.

He can love you wholeheartedly while also being weak and stupid, which he has been. Sometimes people also turn to affairs when they are feeling stressed and anxious or when they have to support someone else. It does not make it less hurtful, but it can explain what seems so baffling. Again, he has been weak and stupid and you should leave him.

[Igmum]

So sorry OP. Sending love and hugs

[MyOtherProfile]

So sorry. Tomorrow you will need support. Do you have friends or family nearby?

[Lobelia123]

Im so sorry this pain and betrayal have hit you, especially at such a stressful time in your life. You sound absolutely lovely and fabulous. I dont know enough about you or your life to give any advice, but one thing I know for sure . . . you will survive this and be happy and secure again one day. It may take a while, but you'll get there. Chin up, lovely xxx

[KerryMucklow]

I'm so sorry to hear this, what a stressful time it's been for you. I'm not surprised you feel numb to it all with everything that has happened.

You have physically been dealing with everything brilliantly on your own for the past 14 months anyway, so you know you can do it, but I understand your feelings of sadness of losing a best friend and the person that you thought had your back.

What a selfish man. He will be full of regret and realise what a huge mistake he's made but you deserve to be treated with so much more respect than he has shown you.

[celticmissey]

You will get through this! I found out my partner was having an affair by accident when we were on holiday! I went through every emotion possible.It came over me like waves - complete shock, disbief, anger, tears - you name it I felt it!

My best advice to you is to have no contact with him for a few weeks. He is NOT the man you thought he was! What type of person does that when his partner is so seriously ill and her son is so poorly.

Remember to concentrate on just getting through the day for now - remember to eat - even if it's a little toast or soup. Concentrate on looking after you and your son and trying to gain some strength.Tell him you are just focusing on yourself and your son for now and want no contact for a few weeks as you need time to think.

Right now your mind is overwhelmed but it will get better. Then you could look into seeing what benefits you could be entitled to on the government website or by speaking to citizens advice. Write down what you would like financially from the split.When you feel calmer speak to a solicitor and get some legal advice.

I remember how devastating it is to find out your partner has cheated. Look at Chumplady website - about infidelity .

At the end of the day - he had a choice! He chose to be unfaithful! thinking you would never find out! Be prepared though you may never find out the real truth. My OH, trying to get me to feel sorry for him , told me minimal information but on speaking to the OW I found out it was a much more serious relationship then he had told me - Don't obsess with wanting to know everything it will consume you. You know the most important information - that he is a CHEAT!

I wish you and your son the best in your health recovery so take it one day at a time and don't be rushed into making any decisions.

[MsDogLady]

I am very sorry, OP.

He betrayed you in the worst way while you and your son were so very vulnerable. Then, when you asked for the truth, he lied. Block him and don’t look back.

You have met great challenges with grace and dignity. You and your wonderful son will prevail!

[ohmanseriously]

Thanks so much all. Yes, I do have real life support. Great friends and great family and they will all be there for me. My sister drover over at 1am to stand in my driveway and chat, and she's coming back to go for a run with me tomorrow.

I will take all the advice and really just have fun with my son over the weekend, because he's the most important thing to me. The money situation is bad, but family can help. It just feels weird to have so many rugs pulled out from under me all at once.

[greenspacesoverthere]

How awful for you. But what an inspiration you are - after all you've been through , you are still keeping on and prioritising the pain and stress. Much love and respect to you

Also - that man doesn't deserve you,

[EKGEMS]

There's nothing like the cold terror you feel as a mother with a child with a health crisis. I've been in the trenches for twenty years now as a sn mother and it brings out your primal mama bear instinct.
I am so glad to hear you have a good support network. You are allowed as much time to process and deal with this pickle on your shit sandwich of a year. Just remember you did not cause this, you do not deserve this. He made deliberate and conscious choices to be a lying,cheating dirtbag. He can stay overseas with his single,white female stalker

[Lonelybattle]

What a horrendous night to top off an awful, awful year. You're in shock but you're doing the right thing by looking for support. Lean on those good friends and family members as much as you need to. They and your gorgeous son will get you through. If you find your sleep being affected over the next few days, see your gp earlier rather than letting it get out of hand as events like this can mess up your sleep and that makes everything harder to deal with. Take care of yourself.

[ohmanseriously]

I do think I got the full story regarding him and OW.

He said she arrived there in January and as she was new and they were both alone he showed her around and went for hikes and dives with her but it wasn't romantic. She is about 10 years older than him (not AT ALL his type!!!) and almost 15 years older than me so he didn't see it as problematic to spend platonic time with her.

I'm not on Facebook usually (so he and I weren't Facebook friends), but I reactivated my account and she added me as a friend. There are several pictures of hiking around this time that she has tagged him in so the story adds up. Although photos are of landscapes and not him.

Then there are a few group photos of them at various community things. They don't appear to be a couple in any of the photos, like he would with me, but she is definitely close in lots of them. He appears in the photos like he is standing with a work colleague and not a lover. He's never liked any of her posts or interacted with her (I checked back to January!)

Anyway, he said he found out he couldn't come home and when he was drunk he ended up having sex with her in a moment of weakness as he calls it and after that he says he had sex with her a few more times when he was drunk.

But he says she also came over to his house a lot (and slept over) and he says most of the time it was no physical contact but she lived in the house next door so she kept popping over.

So yes, he had been speaking to me with her there, which makes me feel sick. And he admitted YES she had slept in his bed a few times, which again is awful. I asked how he could do that with my photos everywhere (he had loads of photos of me!) and he said he put them away in the cupboard.

My mind is blown, it was as if he had a completely double life with this woman he was spending a few nights a week with.

Anyway, while I was on the phone she was screaming blue murder. He wanted just a casual thing because he loved me and she went ballistic and tracked me down. The police had to remove her.

So anyway, now they are stuck living next door to each other so at least I am spared that.

HE said he's never loved anyone as much as me and he's ruined his life. I don't understand it at all, how he could do it :(

He said it turned into them having sex when he was drunk, but that she wanted more and kept coming to his house and he said he was trying to extarcate himself but he

[speakout]

He can love you wholeheartedly while also being weak and stupid, which he has been. Sometimes people also turn to affairs when they are feeling stressed and anxious or when they have to support someone else.

I totally disagree.