Talk

Advanced search

Should I ask her?

(103 Posts)
ChangedABitForThisOne Fri 13-Nov-20 01:16:57

I've been with my current partner for around 2 and a half months now - we we're friends for about 6 months prior to that.

Things are going well between us, but she has very close contact with her ex. She's the one who broke it up, and I know that he calls her frequently and she speaks to him. She's also told me that he still likes her, but there's no feeling on her side and that they're good friends. I think the relationship broke down because he had emotional issues - and some of their contact now is working through that.

I'm a bit uneasy with this, especially as she recently told me he's one of her best friends. Being a guy, I know I can't be friends with an ex who I still had strong feeling for, but I trust her, so I haven't really commented on the situation.

Tonight, I was looking through her strava, and I noticed that 4 weeks ago she cycled to the street her ex's lives on, and then logged a cycle back 5 hours later, after 10:30 pm. She didn't mentioned this to me, but checking out messages from that night, we text periodically why she was there.

If I'm brutally honest, this makes me feel really uneasy. As I said above, things had been going really well. Should I ask her about this?

The way I discovered it is a bit weird, and I don't know if it will look like I'm some sort of stalker - I seriously wasn't looking for anything like this.

OP’s posts: |
Titsinknicks Fri 13-Nov-20 01:22:10

Someone you've been seeing for a couple of months visited their ex about a month after you started dating. It's really none of your business unless a mere month in you had the exclusivity chat already then and you suspect she shagged him? And she's told you they're friends, so what is the problem with her going to see him? A month in did you really know what each of you were doing each and every night??

I do think it's weird you're referring to her as a partner, that you can't handle who she is friends with and are stalking her Strava.

ChangedABitForThisOne Fri 13-Nov-20 01:28:06

That's a fairly aggressive reply, and yes, a mere month in we had already had the exclusivity talk.

In the 6 months we were friends we had been sleeping together, things got serious and at the point she became my partner, is the point we had the exclusivity talk.

A month in we did know what each other was doing. My partner has a thing about total honest, and we've kept nothing back from each other. Which is why I know about her ex and that he still likes her and calls her multiple times a day.

So you personally wouldn't mind someone you're exclusive with, visiting an ex who likes them for 5 hours without mentioning it?

OP’s posts: |
Titsinknicks Fri 13-Nov-20 01:30:17

If your partner has a thing about torso honesty why do you think she didn't tell you? There are a couple of reasons I can think of

Titsinknicks Fri 13-Nov-20 01:30:39

Total honesty not torso! Obviously

ChangedABitForThisOne Fri 13-Nov-20 01:36:02

Total honesty in conversations doesn't necessarily translate to telling each other everything that happened all day, we tend to text from morning until bed time, so have an idea what the other is up to.

We were looking at AirBnB places by text that night - because we were due to meet the day after, so there was contact while she was there.

I was checking her strava out because she posted an update today, she posts photos of herself on her rides and runs, so I was just looking at them when I noticed this journey. There was no stalking involved.

Are you either suggesting she kept it to herself because of trust issues, or because something happened?

OP’s posts: |
ChangedABitForThisOne Fri 13-Nov-20 01:36:41

I'd also ask her under this guide of total honest - but I don't know if it's too much.

OP’s posts: |
spidermomma Fri 13-Nov-20 02:07:57

I'd ask her otherwise it'll just eat away at you and will cause arguments because when you see her it will always be their in your head

Aquamarine1029 Fri 13-Nov-20 02:23:32

Do you really want to pure up with this nonsense? End it and move on.

imsofuckingtired Fri 13-Nov-20 02:47:12

People who say they have a thing about total honesty generally don't.

No I would not put up with it. There are other people out there who aren't still having a relationship with their ex and pretending they aren't. Move on.

ChangedABitForThisOne Fri 13-Nov-20 02:52:25

I’m obviously more jealous than I thought.

I’ve sent her a text saying whilst it makes me look stalkerish and jealous, I noticed this ride, and should I be concerned.

We’ll see what she says in the morning.

OP’s posts: |
Onedropbeat Fri 13-Nov-20 03:01:49

Good luck op

I would have to ask and expect to either be lied to or find out a truth I didn’t want to hear flowers

ChangedABitForThisOne Fri 13-Nov-20 03:12:42

It gets worse. I’ve read all our messages from that night, and she mentioned she had a bad reaction to GBL that evening. This is a drug she takes (it’s like alcohol) and to give too much information, she says it increases her horniness. This means she was taking it with her ex.

OP’s posts: |
katy1213 Fri 13-Nov-20 03:15:53

It does make you look stalkerish and jealous. You're not a partner, you're barely a blow-in - and I'd be kicking you right out of my life if I discovered you'd been checking up on me like this.

ChangedABitForThisOne Fri 13-Nov-20 03:22:58

How’s it checking up? I came across it on Strava. Should I ignore it and not ask?

OP’s posts: |
ChangedABitForThisOne Fri 13-Nov-20 03:24:00

And who wouldn’t feel jealous seeing this? I seriously wish I wasn’t feeling this.

OP’s posts: |
Onedropbeat Fri 13-Nov-20 03:25:22

I’d feel the same OP

With your last update I think you know what the answer will be

IronNeonClasp Fri 13-Nov-20 03:34:08

I think there's a fine line between stalkerish and feeling that something isn't right. You have to trust your gut..

letssayit Fri 13-Nov-20 03:44:26

ChangedABitForThisOne

I've been with my current partner for around 2 and a half months now - we we're friends for about 6 months prior to that.

Things are going well between us, but she has very close contact with her ex. She's the one who broke it up, and I know that he calls her frequently and she speaks to him. She's also told me that he still likes her, but there's no feeling on her side and that they're good friends. I think the relationship broke down because he had emotional issues - and some of their contact now is working through that.

I'm a bit uneasy with this, especially as she recently told me he's one of her best friends. Being a guy, I know I can't be friends with an ex who I still had strong feeling for, but I trust her, so I haven't really commented on the situation.

Tonight, I was looking through her strava, and I noticed that 4 weeks ago she cycled to the street her ex's lives on, and then logged a cycle back 5 hours later, after 10:30 pm. She didn't mentioned this to me, but checking out messages from that night, we text periodically why she was there.

If I'm brutally honest, this makes me feel really uneasy. As I said above, things had been going really well. Should I ask her about this?

The way I discovered it is a bit weird, and I don't know if it will look like I'm some sort of stalker - I seriously wasn't looking for anything like this.


Whether you were stalking or not - does it matter after what you found out? Coupled with her messages at that time, I think it's lucky you saw that.
Maybe you were meant to find this - for your own good.

And many may not agree, but it is only natural to feel uncomfortable in a situation like this.

Imissmoominmama Fri 13-Nov-20 04:00:47

I just googled GBL. It’s a recreational drug. She cycled over to his house and took a drug which she likes because it makes her horny- then stayed for 5 hours?

I’d be questioning that too. Actually, I wouldn’t- I’d be gone; the drugs thing alone would put me off.

jessstan1 Fri 13-Nov-20 04:46:17

Titsinknicks

Total honesty not torso! Obviously

I liked 'torso' better :-).

jessstan1 Fri 13-Nov-20 04:48:49

That would bother me more than her being casually friendly with her ex. That drug is flipping dangerous, what's the matter with the woman?

Opinionator Fri 13-Nov-20 05:19:49

When she told you she was taking drugs what was your response?

Also, from context things aren't looking very positive I'm afraid. Also, you're not a stalker even if you were checking up on her, if my partner was talking to their ex every day I would want to know what the hell is going on! And it's a good thing you seen this 5 hour journey.

isitsnowingyet Fri 13-Nov-20 05:25:32

GBL does look pretty bad - not 'like alcohol'

BangersAndMush Fri 13-Nov-20 05:38:50

I would end it

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in