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Marriage over after traumatic event

(65 Posts)
Lottiesnanny Thu 12-Nov-20 22:08:33

My husband hasn’t been happy for a few years now and i never see him smile! He’s angry sullen resentful and says I’m not the woman he married 10 years ago.
He says I have changed since the death of my son in law in traumatic circumstances 4 years ago. He was like a son to me and he and my daughter was the happiest couple with a brood of 7 children the youngest was only 3 when he died from sepsis 10 days after a vasectomy , in the family home. We all as a family suffered from some degree of ptsd after this and of course I have helped my daughter with the children while she got her life back together . He now says all my energy goes on my family and there is nothing left for him?! He says I should be over it by now 🤦‍♀️The straw that broke the camels back is 3 weeks ago my son and his fiancée split up and he asked if he could come back home while he sorted his head out ...6 months max . I told my husband and he was not happy but we are in the middle of a pandemic we have a spare room so he’s here .
You can cut the atmosphere with a knife my husband is so hostile. My son stays in his room it’s so uncomfortable. He said it’s the last straw and tonight he said he is leaving me ... His reasons he didn’t sign up to live with a 30 year old man , and he can’t live with someone with my level of anxiety ( which I’ve had since the death of my daughters husband. He said he feels resentful that his life isn’t going how he thought it would. Am I missing something am I wrong for helping my children when they need it. ?

OP’s posts: |
Fairweatherrunner Thu 12-Nov-20 22:10:24

Your not wrong for helping your children, your husband is being horrible x

Horehound Thu 12-Nov-20 22:13:56

Get rid of your husband. He's a twat.

BumblePan Thu 12-Nov-20 22:18:11

Good riddance! He is not supportive of your needs or family. I am really sorry for your loss and you are a great mum for looking out for your daughter and son.

notapizzaeater Thu 12-Nov-20 22:18:26

He's being an entitled twat tbh !

MrsEricBana Thu 12-Nov-20 22:18:58

That sounds dreadful. I think you have done what any loving parent would have done and I think, unfortunately, this is not salveagable as your dh is not very kind or understanding. flowers

ParkheadParadise Thu 12-Nov-20 22:19:39

I'd open the door and boot his backside out.

As a family, we have also suffered a traumatic event 5years ago.
I still live with the memories of that day. DH has always been supportive.

rottiemum88 Thu 12-Nov-20 22:24:07

Good riddance to bad rubbish is all that comes to mind...

For you OP thanks Continue to be there for your children, adult or not, they need you.

Suzi888 Thu 12-Nov-20 22:26:43

YANBU at all. You’ve been through a heartbreaking ordeal.
He should be feeling the same and/or comforting you and supporting you. There’s no time limit on grief. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through.

He sounds completely detached and utterly selfish.
“ He said he feels resentful that his life isn’t going how he thought it would. “ well I imagine none of you have the life you imagined at this time, it’s so raw etc. He sounds like he’s changed too, his anger etc. Could he be depressed? Would he see a GP...

Lottiesnanny Thu 12-Nov-20 22:39:40

Thank you so much for all your replies . It means a such a lot to have support x

OP’s posts: |
Gogoshakes20 Thu 12-Nov-20 22:40:26

Sorry for what you’ve been through!

Your husband sounds like he’s angry and lashing out at you saying that you should be over it by now...that’s not for him to say but he’s probably frustrated.

I have suffered from ptsd after a traumatic event and it rocked my marriage...I can see now that for a few years I pushed my husband away. I couldn’t deal with him as well as all I was going through.

I thought I had moved on and was getting by but my relationship was really affected. It all came to a head and I realised I still needed more therapy.

I’m just sharing this because are you sure he’s not got a point? Have you been investing time in him? Are you healing, or are you still frozen in time and on loop, going over everything?

I think ptsd and trauma changes people. Do you even still want your husband?

All your focus has been on your family and helping them rightly so, but he’s a person too with needs and I know I definitely forgot about my oh when I was dealing with it all....but for how many years can a partner wait?

Lottiesnanny Thu 12-Nov-20 22:42:21

Suzi888 I asked if he was depressed and his answer was ,no that’s your department ,I’m not that weak. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️I think he is but he would never in a trillion years admit it

OP’s posts: |
Gogoshakes20 Thu 12-Nov-20 22:44:31

Sounds like he needs therapy too...it’s so hard to acknowledge that though, especially if he’s the typical proud male type, but if he won’t get help that’s on him.

Lottiesnanny Thu 12-Nov-20 22:50:18

Gogoshakes20. Think you are in part right I have been distant to a degree. I asked him to come to therapy with me so he could best understand what I was feeling and how we could weather all this together but he refused point blank. He is so angry it makes my anxiety so much worse .

OP’s posts: |
Nanny0gg Thu 12-Nov-20 23:00:00

The straw that broke the camels back is 3 weeks ago my son and his fiancée split up and he asked if he could come back home while he sorted his head out ...6 months max . I told my husband and he was not happy but we are in the middle of a pandemic we have a spare room so he’s here

I'm not for one second saying that your husband is right, but have you ever discussed this with him? Or have you just told him what's happening and he has to accept it?

Gogoshakes20 Thu 12-Nov-20 23:01:52

Sounds awful sad Maybe in a strange way this will be a good thing...some time apart might be good and help you both to see more clearly. Especially if having him around like this is making you more anxious ... it’s not fair to you.

rattlemehearties Thu 12-Nov-20 23:04:38

I assume your children are not his children?

Let him bugger off

wirldsgonemad Thu 12-Nov-20 23:05:15

LTB!! He's awful

letsdolunch321 Thu 12-Nov-20 23:06:13

What an absolute selfish arse your dh is.

He clearly only thinks of himself all the time!!! You are better off without him.

maplesyruplover Thu 12-Nov-20 23:09:58

He sounds very selfish. You sound like a lovely caring person, you've done so well to keep everyone going. Let him leave. You'll be better off without him.

Lottiesnanny Thu 12-Nov-20 23:13:31

No your right neither are his children

OP’s posts: |
MoonJelly Thu 12-Nov-20 23:16:14

Tell him that the sooner he fucks off the better.

Lottiesnanny Thu 12-Nov-20 23:18:19

Nanny0gg we did have a chat about it and he agreed but then proceeds to ask me daily how long he will be there and the atmosphere is awful... he would have a totally different Attitude if it was his children .

OP’s posts: |
Voice0fReason Thu 12-Nov-20 23:18:36

Get rid of him. You deserve so much better, and I bet you will be a lot happier when he has gone.
Concentrate on the people who actually matter - your family.

AbiBrown Thu 12-Nov-20 23:21:13

Oh that makes slightly more sense. How long have you been together? In any case, he's being a twat and you're being there for your children, which is wonderful.

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