Finding love again as a single mum, chances slim?

[AddictedToAvocados]

Hi all,

So I'm 26 and I had a baby 3 months ago, myself and my ex-fiancé broke up 2 months after he was born and there's zero chance of reconciling. It's not like this wasn't planned and we didn't plan our future, we were together 8 years before deciding to "try". Anyway, he started getting abusive a couple months into my pregnancy and told me no one will want me now I'll be with a child, to make me feel like I have to put up him whenever we had an argument, then he'd go back to being nice again. I left a few weeks ago because the emotional abuse was getting too much and he was of no help physically or financially, really.

Those seeds of doubts have sprouted in my mind. What if I'll never find anyone again? I do want to be loved and I've been emotionally detaching from my ex for just under a year now, so the split (in my mind) has been happening for a good while. I know I won't even seriously consider a new relationship until this little one is at least a few years old, but I can't help but wonder. Are chances of single mothers finding love again much slimmer than childless mums?

I'd love to hear some advice or stories to make me feel a little better. I never thought I'd be in this situation, but here I am :/

[CatFaceCats]

Well I’m a 38 year old mum of an 8 and 9 year old and I’ve found love again! So I would say there is absolutely hope :)
I split up from my long term partner (and children’s father) back in Feb. The relationship had been over for a few years, but we hung on “for the kids”.
I did a lot of online chatting/flirting in lockdown and I did enjoy the attention. But once lockdown came to an end, I ditched tinder and paid to be on match.
I’ve always been completely upfront about having children, it’s always noted on my profile and I tend to mention it casually incase someone hasn’t read my profile (which a lot seem to do!)
I chatted to my boyfriend for a good few weeks, we had a few casual coffees and lunches and then officially started seeing each other. He’s my boyfriend now :)

[NinaBeee]

@AddictedToAvocados

Hi all,

So I'm 26 and I had a baby 3 months ago, myself and my ex-fiancé broke up 2 months after he was born and there's zero chance of reconciling. It's not like this wasn't planned and we didn't plan our future, we were together 8 years before deciding to "try". Anyway, he started getting abusive a couple months into my pregnancy and told me no one will want me now I'll be with a child, to make me feel like I have to put up him whenever we had an argument, then he'd go back to being nice again. I left a few weeks ago because the emotional abuse was getting too much and he was of no help physically or financially, really.

Those seeds of doubts have sprouted in my mind. What if I'll never find anyone again? I do want to be loved and I've been emotionally detaching from my ex for just under a year now, so the split (in my mind) has been happening for a good while. I know I won't even seriously consider a new relationship until this little one is at least a few years old, but I can't help but wonder. Are chances of single mothers finding love again much slimmer than childless mums?

I'd love to hear some advice or stories to make me feel a little better. I never thought I'd be in this situation, but here I am :/

@AddictedToAvocados Of course you will babe! Don't diminish your worth. In fact he is saying those things to you because he's jealous and he knows you'll get someone who is way better than him. He seems insecure.

To make you feel better I know a girl who has a daughter and she's now married and had a new baby! So many people I see are with people that have had children!
Even my mum had us 3 and still got married again 💕

Have confidence in yourself girl and you can do anything with your beautiful baby by your side!!

[Seriously79]

Yes it can happen. I was i was happily married for 6 years, and we had our son, when he was 2 months old 'DH' had an affair, left and moved over 400 miles away, to say it was a difficult time is an understatement.

I dated on and off, nothing major, then 8 years later I met my now partner. We met online, he lived 20 miles away - long story short, he sold his flat, we bought a house, had a baby and now we are getting married.

Take your time, it can happen x

[radiateforme]

I came out of an abusive relationship a couple of years ago. Met a lovely man when my son was 18 months old. It's early days but he seems interested. Went on dates with 3 other guys, none of which minded that I had a child. Just make sure you're ready, do the freedom programme, spend a bit of time working on your self confidence first.

[Nosnogginginthekitchen]

I have two kids with SEN and have found a new chap. He's nicer than ex, better with the kids and heaps better in bed.

Plus I'm over a decade older than you. Chin up and join the dating support thread on MN. It's super and the rules are important

[AllsortsofAwkward]

I was 21 when I had ds1 my ex left me for his ex when he was 1. I met dh when ds was 2 been together 10 years married for 6 had another 2 dc.

[HeeeeyDuggee]

I was 25 when I became a single mum with a 1 yr old. I met my DH 4 years later and we now have a wonderful happy life including two more beautiful children (2 & 1)

I honestly didn’t think I’d ever meet anyone again but when I was least expecting ig he walked into our lives. He’s the most wonderful support here and / dad / step dad.

[Woui]

Don't let the seeds grow in your mind that is exactly what he wants.

Yes its possible. For sure but do some work on yourself in the mean time. You will know when you are ready.. in being truly ready - you have of a chance of meeting/putting up with a dead beat

[Woui]

• not meeting !

[Givemeabreak88]

It’s harder dating as a single mum but it’s not impossible. What about dating another parent? (When the time comes anyway)

[seensome]

You will find someone else, it might possibly be a little challenging with a baby but if your co-parent or have someone to babysit then you will find time to date, not all men are put off by children. I'm a mum of 3 and a lot older than you, I found a man and he doesn't even have kids of his own.

[TheVanguardSix]

Oh that ol' chestnut: "Nobody will want you now," was also a favourite of my ex's. I felt so hung out to dry and so unlovable when I was in your shoes, OP. I was 29 with a 6-month-old when my ex left and he made it his mission to keep me feeling so low about myself.
I needed some time to just come to terms with being a first time mother and time to accept that I was a single mother to a child whose co-parent totally opted out. It was a bereavement. It was very tough and yes, I felt very worn down by the whole thing. But as my baby grew, so did I. I grew into my role and grew away from the pain of the loss of my marriage. I really leaned into that mother's love. It was all so new to me and beautiful. It was a real tonic, being able to indulge in that tremendous love I felt for my baby during such a season of sadness. I just loved my little boy so much that it became us against the world. I was totally on my own. I'm not from here. I don't have family here, so I felt quite stretched thin at times. I joined Sitters agency so that I could go out on the odd date. I went back to work part time when DS was in nursery and full-time when he started school. When he was 5, I met my now DH. That was 13 years ago. DS is 18 going on 19 now and I've had 2 more children since. I think one of the best truths I have ever heard is, "When you're young, your life can change overnight." It is so true. And also, love happens when you least expect it!
This is true. I took that job years ago and that's how I met DH.

It is utter bollocks intended to keep you down when our bitter exes say things like, "No one will have you now that you're a single mum." Never have I heard such bullshit. Only deadbeat dads would say such nonsense in order to make themselves feel better. Deep down, they know they're the losers.

[HugeAckmansWife]

Perfectly possible and really quite like given your age but ideally you want to achieve a mindset of 'if I end up single, that's fine too'. Remember why you have split up with ex, keep matters with him purely business like regarding contact, maintenance etc. No discussion of your personal life, none of his concern.

[AddictedToAvocados]

@TheVanguardSix

Oh that ol' chestnut: "Nobody will want you now," was also a favourite of my ex's. I felt so hung out to dry and so unlovable when I was in your shoes, OP. I was 29 with a 6-month-old when my ex left and he made it his mission to keep me feeling so low about myself.
I needed some time to just come to terms with being a first time mother and time to accept that I was a single mother to a child whose co-parent totally opted out. It was a bereavement. It was very tough and yes, I felt very worn down by the whole thing. But as my baby grew, so did I. I grew into my role and grew away from the pain of the loss of my marriage. I really leaned into that mother's love. It was all so new to me and beautiful. It was a real tonic, being able to indulge in that tremendous love I felt for my baby during such a season of sadness. I just loved my little boy so much that it became us against the world. I was totally on my own. I'm not from here. I don't have family here, so I felt quite stretched thin at times. I joined Sitters agency so that I could go out on the odd date. I went back to work part time when DS was in nursery and full-time when he started school. When he was 5, I met my now DH. That was 13 years ago. DS is 18 going on 19 now and I've had 2 more children since. I think one of the best truths I have ever heard is, "When you're young, your life can change overnight." It is so true. And also, love happens when you least expect it!
This is true. I took that job years ago and that's how I met DH.

It is utter bollocks intended to keep you down when our bitter exes say things like, "No one will have you now that you're a single mum." Never have I heard such bullshit. Only deadbeat dads would say such nonsense in order to make themselves feel better. Deep down, they know they're the losers.

Thank you so much for this story. It won't be the last time I read it, I need to keep this mindset and it made me feel a lot better. Thank you.

[AddictedToAvocados]

@Givemeabreak88

It’s harder dating as a single mum but it’s not impossible. What about dating another parent? (When the time comes anyway)

Actually, I'd totally be up for going out with a single dad. The idea of a blended family isn't unappealing to me at all. Thanks for the suggestion.

[Peace43]

My sister got married 2 years back to the father of her son (he was 5 at the wedding). My DBIL is not the father of her daughter, that twat left her 9 months pregnant. She met DBIL when my niece was 9 months old. They are a lovely couple!

I left exH 2 years ago and have DD aged 9. My new partner of just over 12 months is lovely.

You’ll find new love! There’s lots of love out there

[Rtmhwales]

Split with XH while pregnant. Had similar thoughts to you. Met DP when DS was 9 months old, he's a stopped DS as one of his own, engaged and trying for our own DC. Things can work out if you're open to them.

[AddictedToAvocados]

Thank you all for these wonderful stories!

[CheesePleaseLoueese]

I met my husband when my child was 3. We got together when she was 5. We are now married and with two more children!

Perfectly possible. Chin up. But so also enjoy your life whilst you wait!

[AddictedToAvocados]

It's always so nice to come back to this thread when I need a boost. I started to doubt myself again today, the idea of being forever alone just fills me with dread.

[Batlash13]

I feel exactly the same. I'm 42..I had my son now 5 months via ivf. My partner at the time backed out last minute...so scared of being alone forever...such less opportunities to meet anyone..all the decent men seem like they are taken

[Stigofthedump40]

Omg.. 26? Chances are extremely extremely high for the future ..and he knows it

[Manwithplan1332]

Unfortunately most good and attractive men have a choice and the reality is men will always choose someone without children over someone who has them its a massive commitment for very little reward you need to ask what exactly do you offer them?. The sad thing is that these same men may happily sleep with you but will always have a plan not to commit but you will think he likes you which confuses you. Realistically you will have to accept your value plummets when you have kids and the men who you think are below you are the only ones who will take you in a relationship but there is a massive movement at the moment to stop men from taking on others mens children and to only date women without children so this will probably make things even worse for you. The silver lining for men at least is that things tend to flip on their head for men at 35 and they can choose to have an easy life and choose a fresh start with a young woman. Life is Hard

[littleloopylou]

Holy zombie thread! And wtaf @Manwithplan1332

[TheresGotToBeMoreToLife]

Wow @man that was nasty