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Year long affair. How do I move on?

(24 Posts)
Lemononachair Wed 11-Nov-20 09:37:47

Just found out that my bf of almost a year has been fucking his ex our entire 'relationship'. He lied to my face over and over and promised me he wasn't, which was obviously another lie.

How do I move on from this? Been cheated on and left before and I honestly didn't think my heart could break any worse than it already had but guess what?! It can.

I don't know how to get over it. How will I ever trust anyone again after being lied to for so long? I appreciate that a year isn't THAT long but it feels like it. So many memories, so many moments. It was all a lie, all fake. All tainted now 😞

OP’s posts: |
category12 Wed 11-Nov-20 09:54:43

I'm sorry he turned out to be a shitbag. You have ended things, I hope?

On the bright side, you could have not found out until further down the road with him - in time he'll be a distant memory, although that's no comfort now. flowers

Lemononachair Wed 11-Nov-20 11:26:16

No it is comforting, a bit 😊 To know that one day I will wake up and I won't think of him at all. That one day all his stuff will be gone from my house and I won't have any reminders. One day I won't feel sick to my stomach and my chest won't hurt. I'll stop crying eventually. It will happen.

Yes I have ended it because I'm not insane enough to put myself through this again. There's absolutely nothing he could say now to convince me otherwise. He's dead to me.

OP’s posts: |
DianaT1969 Wed 11-Nov-20 11:43:22

Sorry OP. Were there any red flags that with hindsight you ignored? That you can be alert for next time? My only advice would be not to tell any potential boyfriend about your bad luck with cheating exes. They never need to know. Fresh slate and project that you expect nothing less than exemplary behaviour smile

Rockinmomma Wed 11-Nov-20 11:54:49

I love that you’ve got your boundaries and have stuck to them, well done you!
If you haven’t blocked him, make sure you do and steer clear of social media.
You’ll get through this, one day you’ll suddenly realise you’re not bothered by it or him and it is an excellent feeling!
In the meantime, treat yourself!

iluvgab Wed 11-Nov-20 12:11:57

That one day all his stuff will be gone from my house and I won't have any reminders

Get rid of that crap immediately. Box it up - fling it in binliners, whatever. Then tell him he has until x date to collect it or it's going to the tip.

Block him and have no more contact with him and then make yourself a calendar - you can print out templates online - say for 3 months. After 30, 60 and 90 days you get a treat if you haven't contacted him. You can choose whatever you like - eg. clothes shopping, day out, whatever (bit difficult at the moment with fucking Corona but I'm sure you can think of something)
Worked for me.

Concentrate on you. Get to know you. Date yourself as it were. Find some passion or interest and put your energy into that. Every time you find yourself getting upset about that fucker, go and get on with whatever you've chosen to do be that music, art, sport whatever. That way something positive will come out of it.

The guy is a complete wanker. You deserve better than that. Raise your own self-esteem and you will attract better types who are more likely to treat you better.

Windmillwhirl Wed 11-Nov-20 12:49:43

Im so sorry this has happened to you.

You can't tar everyone with same brush. Not all people cheat. Maybe you should have dumped him when the thoughts he was cheating persisted? Was he a very convincing liar? It must have been difficult living with that hanging over you.

VioletSunset Wed 11-Nov-20 12:53:22

Sorry i don't really have any advice, but i just wanted to say what an absolute shitebag he is. Did he show any remorse? Hope you are OK flowers

Requinblanc Wed 11-Nov-20 12:53:30

Good on you for having dumped the sleazebag.

Lemononachair Wed 11-Nov-20 13:45:40

He is a very good liar apparently. Lied to both of us over and over for almost a whole year. Made promises, the whole shebang, to both of us. Almost the exact same ones I think! 😂

In hindsight yes I was fucking idiot to believe his lies. I'm too trusting and apparently fucking naive.

No remorse. He didn't even say sorry. If anything he has a 'tee hee, I'm such a naughty boy' attitude. Which made me even more fucking furious.

I've bagged up all his crap and left it in the spare room so at least I don't have to look at it for now. If it's not out in a week it's going out for the binmen.

I haven't blocked him yet until his stuff is out but I will as soon as I can. Her too, as I'm 99% sure she will take him back and I can't bear to see it. I do have a tendency to torture myself by looking at social media, don't know why I do it 😭 I've deleted all his messages, every picture I had of him, every song that reminds me of him. Basically trying to erase him from my life completely.

I'm so so angry. I want to scream and break something.

OP’s posts: |
firesong Wed 11-Nov-20 19:04:20

A year IS long to have been cheated on. And through your entire relationship. This says nothing about you and everything about him. You don't need to worry about it happening again as most people aren't such utter twats. You're heartbroken now but when you look back you will so relieved that you're rid of this complete knobber.

Lemononachair Thu 12-Nov-20 02:37:00

I already am relieved in some ways. Not missing certain things I didn't like.

Just been having a nice long chat with the OW and found out more, some extremely hard to hear stuff. Makes it that much worse.

I was already 10000% done with him but now I'm burning down the bridges and scattering the ashes 😂 No trace of a chance he'll ever even get to speak to me again! He doesn't even deserve that.

OP’s posts: |
Lemononachair Sun 15-Nov-20 21:40:30

Need some advice on how to handle this.

He's coming over tomorrow with his mum to pick up his stuff. I know he's going to ask me if I'm ok and make small talk, if not have a proper chat. There's also quite a bit of stuff so I'm not sure if I should help him take it all out to the car.

There's a few ways I can approach this:

1 - I still act furious with him. Tell him exactly what I think of him, how much of a shit he is and refuse to make small talk with him. Tell him I'm doing terribly (and it's all his fault). Refuse to help him take his crap out to the car, let him do it all on his own.

2 - Kill him with kindness. Make small talk, don't tell him off. Tell him I'm doing fine. Make it clear I'm ok without him but not rub his nose in it. Help him with the bags of stuff.

I really want to do 1. I AM still furious. I want him to know exactly what I think of him and exactly how much he has hurt me. However, he is the kind of arsehole who would use my anger towards him to twist everything to being my fault. He never takes responsibility for anything so it will give him a convenient excuse for what he did. I will become the angry, bitter bitch who is mad that he didn't choose me, and since we have mutual friends, however I act will certainly get around.

2 I think will hurt him because he will feel guilty that he treated someone so nice so badly. He will have no ammunition against me, no 'just cause', no excuses. It will get his stuff out of my place that much faster. But it's going to be SO hard to swallow all the words I want to hurl at him. I suspect there would be no point in saying them though as he obviously doesn't give a shit what he's done or he wouldn't have done it in the first place. This will likely be our last interaction so anything I need to say this is probably my last chance!

Also, he has been sending me messages with 'kisses' on the last few days. I'm not sure if this is just him being friendly or if he's going to attempt reconciliation. I don't want to read too much into it (there is NO chance of reconciliation by the way! 😂)

OP’s posts: |
OopsUpsideYerHead Sun 15-Nov-20 21:55:31

I’m sorry to hear with a shit he has been to you OP.

I really think you should not give him the light of day. Put all of his stuff outside the door just before he is due to arrive. Don’t dignify him with a single syllable. He is not worth it.
If you tell him how upset you are it will just feed his narcissistic ego, he just doesn’t care. Silence speaks volumes.

youvegottenminuteslynn Sun 15-Nov-20 22:13:01

Option 3 - Calm, steely, no small talk but no anger either. Yes it's tough but it's healthy for you and confuses the other person so they don't know how to behave.

The ultimate revenge is indifference.

Option 1 will escalate and you'll end up with heightened emotions and ammunition for him to go full arsehole and say you're mental etc. Ugh.

Option 2 will be obvious you're putting it on OR (worse) he'll think you're being nice because you want him back.

So option 3 - cool, calm, FORMAL. No small talk, no chats about the relationship and ideally have a call or a visitor (covid dependent on where you are!) at a certain time so he needs to be gone by then. Even if that call / visit isn't real. When I had this situation I treated my ex like a stranger who was popping in to pick up something he'd bought from me on eBay. I had shit to do, I wasn't over friendly or rude, he was just something to tick off my list for the day.

You can have a good cry afterwards when he's gone but seriously, go for wildcard option 3 and remove any visible emotion you can. It's worth it. He won't be able to manipulate you that way as he will only be expecting either option 1 or 2. Shock him with number 3 thanks

Opentooffers Sun 15-Nov-20 22:29:38

Option 3, make sure you put all his stuff in bags outside your front door, do not let him enter your home. If you are in the uk, he's not your bubble anymore, so he's not allowed in, the law is on your side, and it's the perfect reason.

Lemononachair Sun 15-Nov-20 23:41:33

Sadly I can't really put his stuff outside for him to collect. There is too much of it and my garden is just one huge mud puddle at the moment, there's a few large items inc furniture and some expensive electricals which will get ruined in the rain if I put them out. No skin off my nose particularly, but he'd probably try and have me done for criminal damage or something. Plus the story would then be that I'm a vindictive bitch who ruined all his shit.

Option 3 sounds like a plan. That's probably what I should do.

Although I almost want him to get his hopes up because I'm 99% sure that if he thinks he could carry on this whole charade he would. He would have kept it going as long as he got away with it so given the chance again I think he would!

I almost want to string him along, get his hopes up that we could reconcile, get him to the point where he feels confident he's 'got' me again....and then cut him off at the knees and tell him I've met someone else 😂 I almost want to do that, It would be karma at work 😈

OP’s posts: |
blisstwins Mon 16-Nov-20 00:56:05

No games. Just be done. Option 3

Anordinarymum Mon 16-Nov-20 02:41:44

No. Do not lower yourself to his level. It's over and now you can get your life back. Don't have anything more to do with him, apart from to tell him his things will be left outside on day date time and then block.

category12 Mon 16-Nov-20 06:44:23

then cut him off at the knees and tell him I've met someone else But then he would claim you were cheating on him/just the same as him all along.

Nothing wrong with a revenge fantasy or three grin But stick to distancing yourself and giving him nothing to work with emotionally. Just be gone.

Collidascope Mon 16-Nov-20 07:00:52

Option 3 definitely. He'll take your anger and hurt as proof of what a catch he was, so give him nothing. Open the door for him. Leave him to remove his stuff. When he's gone, block his number. It's better for you and it'll piss him off more than both the other courses of action.
I'm sorry he was such a shit you.

Collidascope Mon 16-Nov-20 07:02:07

A shit to you grin . My phone keyboard is being a dick at the moment.

IveNameChangedAgain2020 Tue 17-Nov-20 00:02:03

Grey rock completely. No acknowledgement of him at all.

SandyY2K Tue 17-Nov-20 11:13:30

My preferred option would be having a someone (tall strapping friendly male) there with you, while he collects his stuff and you and said make just watch relax/watch TV and chill.😅😅

This won't allow him any opportunity to talk to you and he'll be wondering who it is.

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