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I can't get the words out to him. I can't tell him that I want out

(69 Posts)
BreathlessCommotion Mon 02-Nov-20 13:27:26

I'm even bored of myself now, so don't expect much answer. DH has a history of emotional abuse/sexual coercion, finanacial control but promised to change last year when I said I was leaving. And mostly did change, but I don't think its enough, the damage is done, I'm still scared of him, I still wait for the nasty comments.

But because I said I'd try again (partly cos I could see the nastiness coming out again over lockdown) I feel awful.

He's even asked me outright if I'm ok. But I cannot get the words out, I cannot tell him. What is wrong with me? Someone give me a slap. Or shout or me or something.

OP’s posts: |
PepsiLola Mon 02-Nov-20 13:28:35

Do you have to tell him? Can you just leave? X

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 02-Nov-20 13:33:40

It could well be because you are still scared of him and his reaction. I would plan your exit with due care and attention and keep him in the dark about this.

Have you as yet made contact with Womens Aid and or sought legal advice?. This is something I would urge you to do particularly if you have not done either.

Such men too never change, he only told you what you perhaps wanted to hear because he knew you were finally serious about leaving him. He would and indeed has said anything to keep you under his power and control because otherwise he would then have to find another woman to control like you have been and still are.

How can you be helped further into leaving your abuser?.

TurquoiseDragon Mon 02-Nov-20 14:11:20

OP, you told him last year, so you have tried. It isn't working, and if you're scared of him, leave in secret.

I did, best thing I ever did, even if I do have to live within a tight budget.

SoulofanAggron Mon 02-Nov-20 14:31:28

Write to him instead.

On one level you're probably still scared of him, and/or you've been conditioned to be 'nice'/not confront people throughout your life.

Sometimes some of us find it hard to say things verbally, and that's ok.

You could also talk to him in a public place.

S00LA Mon 02-Nov-20 14:33:13

I agree, you don’t have to tell him.

You get external advice, make your plans and then leave. You don’t need his permission.

SoulofanAggron Mon 02-Nov-20 14:45:50

PP's are right actually, he's not deserving of anything from you and also for your safety it could be wise not to tell him, just in case.

Lozzerbmc Mon 02-Nov-20 14:52:44

Dont tell him - why bother - just pack your bags and leave. It will be your best decision ever

BreathlessCommotion Mon 02-Nov-20 14:57:37

I'm not sure about sneaking away with the kids?

I'm going to speak to NDA helpline again today. It's hard as we are both wfh and he is always here.

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user2853684215 Mon 02-Nov-20 15:10:52

Leave without telling him. It's safer.

You don't need his permission or agreement to leave. He's an abuser, you don't owe him anything.

It's not like he'll listen and respect your decision.

S00LA Mon 02-Nov-20 15:32:59

You don’t have to “ sneak “ away - what a pejorative and loaded word.

You walk away with your head held high.

You rescue your children away from their abuser to a place of safety.

Does that sound better ?

BreathlessCommotion Mon 02-Nov-20 15:41:32

@S00LA that does, thank you.

We will share custody, but you are right. He is no good for them either.

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BreathlessCommotion Mon 02-Nov-20 15:46:48

My bissgest issue at the moment is finding a rental property. There just aren't any near me. Except 2 bed, which I suppose would be ok temporarily.

OP’s posts: |
S00LA Mon 02-Nov-20 16:05:15

How old are your kids OP? I’m wondering why a 2 bed won’t do in the short term.

Is your current home owned by your partner ? I’m guessing you are not legally married, if you have no rights to it?

BreathlessCommotion Mon 02-Nov-20 16:08:59

We are married, own the house as joint tennants. No way he will leave. Last time we got as far as beginning to talk about the practicalities and he wanted to stay in the house until youngest was 18 (currently 8).

DC are 11 (boy) and 8 (girl). They could share in the short term, but wouldn't be happy about it.

I could afford to remortgage and buy him out of the house (I earn more), but then I have to live here while I try and get him to move out.

OP’s posts: |
S00LA Mon 02-Nov-20 16:18:29

Have you taken legal advice ? Why don’t you move to rented in the short term until you can buy him out ? What did your solicitor say?

BreathlessCommotion Mon 02-Nov-20 16:24:57

Solicitor said could stay in house, but separated and come to areement about buying out (then he moves out) or force sale as joint tennant.

I didn't tell solicitor about emotional abuse though. Just the basics of wanting to separate.

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BuffayTheVampireLayer Mon 02-Nov-20 16:33:31

You have tried OP but your feelings towards him changed long ago. There is nothing wrong with this. Think of it this way, it will be doing your DCs so much good to get them away from this model of a relationship. That's what made me able to finally pull the plug on my marriage. It wasn't abusive but it was unhappy and completely platonic, not a good model of a happy relationship that they would end up mirroring as adults. After reading that on here is made me see I couldn't keep going.

Sunnydaysstillhere Mon 02-Nov-20 16:33:35

Ime op..
Beware of moving out.. Exh told dc I left them as I started again in a new place from scratch (he refused me taking anything) and he had their 'home' ....long recovery from that.
I used the dining room as my room and dc shared..an idea short term for you..

PepsiLola Mon 02-Nov-20 16:35:14

If you find a 2 bed would you make the living room into a 3 bedroom? You could have a sofa bed but with a good mattress.

You could make this work, you don't need his permission to leave x

Tulip55 Mon 02-Nov-20 19:03:08

@BreathlessCommotion I am in a similar situation. He has improved alot but its too little too late for me and i can tell the underlying EA attitudes and beliefs are still there, underneath. He can tell im withdrawing from him now, which resulted in him losing his temper a few days ago and hasn't spoken to me since. I dont even know how to talk to him right now, let alone tell him its over! I finally called the solicitors today, which was a big step for me...they took my number and haven't called back yet :-(

Dontbeme Mon 02-Nov-20 19:09:44

In the short term put your dd in with you, ds has his own room. Please take care and get help to leave safely.

wirldsgonemad Mon 02-Nov-20 21:18:49

Lozzerbmc

Dont tell him - why bother - just pack your bags and leave. It will be your best decision ever


I totally agree with this

BreathlessCommotion Tue 03-Nov-20 11:45:23

I'm going to call the helpline today and see what further legal advice they can offer. I could contact solicitor again and be more honest about the emotional abuse.

When we initially discussed separating at the beginning of the year/lockdown, we agreed we would work to 50% contact/custody. So I assume that is what we will do this time.

The desire to tell him rather than just leave, is that I can afford to stay in the house and it is half mine. I'm the larger salary earner and could afford to buy him out. The best thing for the dc would be for us to stay in the house and him to leave. Or sell the house and I could afford to buy with my half of the equity. Added to this, there is a real lack of rental properties available iin my area. Even the 2 beds are quite far away from dc school.

On the other hand, for me it is appealing just to get somewhere to rent and just leave, because I won't be relying on him. But that means being able to find somewhere to rent.

I have written everything down and might use that as a way to approach it.

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S00LA Tue 03-Nov-20 11:58:51

Your solicitor can’t give you the best advice if you don’t tell her all the facts. That’s why she’s come up with a plan that doesn't work for you.

You need to be honest with everyone who is advising you.

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