Here's the sitrep. Appreciate i am not core demographic for this site. Joined to get tips on dealing with children and stayed for insight. Cards on table. Male. White. Forties. Well educated. No kids. Single. In control (usually). Fan of order and process. Work with military in role that demands it.
And gay. Totally gay. Always have been. This has never been stated public or privately.
I have been privileged most of my life (this forum has opened my eyes to that). I have read articles about inclusion and blm etc and and thought I was aware of such things but it didn't apply to me.
Then based on something someone this site stated i watched ghosts on BBC last week. Comedy's not my thing but thought would give it a go.
I liked it. Binged all episodes. Particularly appreciated the captain. A tv character my age, handsome, military background I soon had a what you might call 'a crush'. Crushing on a fictional person was bad enough. Then i realised the captain is gay and seemingly in denial/denying it. A TV character my age just like me.
I don't have words to articulate what this meant. It resonated. Made me realise/admit to myself I have been living a lie all these years. I'm gay. Im angry with myself for being in denial about this. For being such a coward. And a liar to myself and others. I think generally i have good morals. But ive lied about interest in women. Made up a girlfriend. not said anything when others have made homophobic comments in the past. lied to my brother (only living relative) when he told me I could tell him anything. As a result never dared get close to anyone. Going back remembering some situations embarrassment for how obvious I think I've been at times.
And now I'm stuck. Am not normally one for emotional outbursts. My belief is that anything can be solved with good staff work but I don't have the skillset to staff this. Im an adult and although I know there's less issue now, growing up in the 80s and 90s there was for me. My parents (deceased)would have disowned me. Ostracisation socially at best beating more likely. I'm envious of those younger than me with that confidence in their sexuality. I'm going to man up to tell my brother when this damm virus let's us meet again. Needs to be in person I feel.
I can't say anything at work. Am afraid (still) will lose respect of colleagues/team. Don't have large circle of friends. Same fear, especially with some comments made over years.
So for now I am saying this online to you all. I know it's anominous but for me it's a start. I am gay. I just don't know how to be gay. There's no policy; no orders or process! No battle rhythm.
Conclusion to this essay. Inclusion is important. Any advice, my ears are open. Any ghosts of captains welcome to haunt me. End.
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Realising you are gay in your forties.
11 replies
Outofglass · 01/11/2020 19:07
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