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Realising you are gay in your forties.

(12 Posts)
Outofglass Sun 01-Nov-20 19:07:08

Here's the sitrep. Appreciate i am not core demographic for this site. Joined to get tips on dealing with children and stayed for insight. Cards on table. Male. White. Forties. Well educated. No kids. Single. In control (usually). Fan of order and process. Work with military in role that demands it.

And gay. Totally gay. Always have been. This has never been stated public or privately.

I have been privileged most of my life (this forum has opened my eyes to that). I have read articles about inclusion and blm etc and and thought I was aware of such things but it didn't apply to me.

Then based on something someone this site stated i watched ghosts on BBC last week. Comedy's not my thing but thought would give it a go.

I liked it. Binged all episodes. Particularly appreciated the captain. A tv character my age, handsome, military background I soon had a what you might call 'a crush'. Crushing on a fictional person was bad enough. Then i realised the captain is gay and seemingly in denial/denying it. A TV character my age just like me.

I don't have words to articulate what this meant. It resonated. Made me realise/admit to myself I have been living a lie all these years. I'm gay. Im angry with myself for being in denial about this. For being such a coward. And a liar to myself and others. I think generally i have good morals. But ive lied about interest in women. Made up a girlfriend. not said anything when others have made homophobic comments in the past. lied to my brother (only living relative) when he told me I could tell him anything. As a result never dared get close to anyone. Going back remembering some situations embarrassment for how obvious I think I've been at times.

And now I'm stuck. Am not normally one for emotional outbursts. My belief is that anything can be solved with good staff work but I don't have the skillset to staff this. Im an adult and although I know there's less issue now, growing up in the 80s and 90s there was for me. My parents (deceased)would have disowned me. Ostracisation socially at best beating more likely. I'm envious of those younger than me with that confidence in their sexuality. I'm going to man up to tell my brother when this damm virus let's us meet again. Needs to be in person I feel.

I can't say anything at work. Am afraid (still) will lose respect of colleagues/team. Don't have large circle of friends. Same fear, especially with some comments made over years.

So for now I am saying this online to you all. I know it's anominous but for me it's a start. I am gay. I just don't know how to be gay. There's no policy; no orders or process! No battle rhythm.

Conclusion to this essay. Inclusion is important. Any advice, my ears are open. Any ghosts of captains welcome to haunt me. End.

OP’s posts: |
nosswith Sun 01-Nov-20 19:11:50

I have met several men over the years who have probably been in the same position as you, or at least do not seem to have acknowledged this to anyone else until in their forties or older. You are not alone.

I hope that what you have done is a first step to some form of inner peace, and that your brother responds in a caring way.

trashaccount Sun 01-Nov-20 19:16:08

Coming out is a choice, and you're under no obligation to come out if you don't want to (though it can often be quite cathartic). And anyway, an epiphany at any age is still great, and it's good that you've managed to accept this within yourself. You're not a coward or a liar, you've just internalised some damaging stuff and now is the time to try and put some backbone into healing - if you need a routine or instructions, working on accepting and forgiving yourself can be that task.

I wish you the best of luck with the future flowers

Bunnymumy Sun 01-Nov-20 19:18:36

Well good on you for realising it now. And they say 40 is the new 20 in gay years. Well, I'm sure someone does lol. Still plenty of time to find out what you want moving forwards!

Theres no rule saying you have to tell anyone anything you dont want to. Perhaps when this whole lockdown lifts you could join some new clubs or meetup groups or something and make new pals and just be yourself with them from the start. Your work colleagues dont need to know. I think telling your brother would be a freeing thing to do though smile

Just take it one day at a time. It's the first day of the rest of your life now afterall.

DeKraai Sun 01-Nov-20 19:27:45

Remember that nothing has changed. You're still you. You can "come out" or just do it more silently ie you don't need to make it a Big Deal unless that's what you want. You have realised your attraction to members of a group of people you didn't fully realise before. How you respond to that can be as big or as little as you feel it needs to be for you (and everybody is different).

I am going through a similar personal process and am talking about it with a sex therapist (ie someone who is specialised, not a counsellor who did a weekend training). Looking back at the homophobia around here when I was younger has actually been harder than I imagined, but it's been helpful putting it all in place.

I have told some people (two) in RL and it's not a secret, but whether I turn up somewhere with a man or a woman is to me somewhat irrelevant. If other people have a problem, I don't (for now - and I'm not with anybody) actually care. I use care now about what suits me as long as it won't hurt other people - and if anybody is actually hurt by the utterly earth shattering news that "DeKraai fancies someone" then they're fools.

Like I said, it's different for us all. The narrative seems to be that we need to Come Out and make a new label for ourselves. If that feels good for you, go for it, but just be aware that you can do whatever you want, however you want here. Just be yourself, that's the most important thing.

DeKraai Sun 01-Nov-20 19:30:19

*the homophobia around me...

*I only care now about...

*..however you want to..

(Autocorrect is having its fun this evening!)

DeKraai Sun 01-Nov-20 19:30:59

And now bolding fails (should have been none!)

CaraDuneRedux Sun 01-Nov-20 19:36:00

Good luck OP. flowers

If you scroll back through past threads, I think you'll find it's not that uncommon among women to realise you're gay in your forties, and I don't see why men should be particularly different.

Obvious homophobia aside, even just the constant expectation of heterosexuality that pervades popular culture is a hell of a barrier to get through (if you're the sort of person who finds comfort in looking at the absurdity of society's rules, I can recommend But I'm a cheerleader - an indie film from the 90s).

trashaccount Sun 01-Nov-20 19:37:21

@CaraDuneRedux Oh I would highly recommend "But I'm a Cheerleader!" (then again Natasha Lyonne is a crush of mine, so I suppose it's not surprising grin)

Realitea Sun 01-Nov-20 19:50:43

I have to say, I love the captain in Ghosts too! Watched both series in one day, it's fantastic.
I know quite a few people who have come out in their 40's and they're so much happier now. They have a new found love for life. Once you tell your brother, I think your confidence will grow.

Get on some gay forums and chat to others, I'm sure many of them have been there too. Just talking to other people and seeing it's not an inclusive club, how everyone is different and accepting, will help you.

You just need to be yourself. There's no set rules on 'how' to be gay. You are you. That's all you need to do.

And watch some John Grant videos.

Coming from a bi woman in her 40's. grin

Northernparent68 Sun 01-Nov-20 20:14:14

Get your head round your sexuality before you come out, speak to gay men on line to make friends in your community.

Hyperfish101 Sun 01-Nov-20 20:19:34

Good for you! Have you thought about speaking to Gay Switchboard? Listening service and advice for LGBT people. All very best wishes going forward.

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