Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Ex husband back in touch. What does it mean?(88 Posts)
Does he want to get back with me?
I have been separated from my husband for around 2 years. In fact it is nearly exactly two years since he moved out. We were married for two and together for four years. He was, I thought, the love of my life. Unfortunately I found some things out that I didnt deal very well with and on reflection we had become quite distant. I later found out he had been sleeping with a colleague from work for some of our marriage.
We kept in touch because we share a dog and over time he has seen it less and less but continues to pay towards him (I couldnt afford to keep it otherwise.) I found out pretty early on that he had a new girlfriend and had moved in with her within months. They remain together.
In august he came go see the dog and afterwards had a coffee. I dared myself to do it to prove I could be civil and how far I had come. I've had lots of counselling to get over the break up and addressed my part in it. Initially I was quite poorly.
Just recently he has seen the dog again and suggested I go with him. We talked about lots of things including some memories we shared (he does that a lot) and when we got back he looked at me like he used to. A prolonged eye contact and a certain awkwardness which he later explained was him being unsure as to whether to hug me due to covid.
Thing is.. its raised my hope. Consistently whilst I've been working on myself I have missed him. I have tried to dismiss it because I thought it was pointless. Now I dont know what to think. It is tearing me up inside not knowing what he thinks and feels; if anything. I know I cant tell him how I feel because I will come off needy and desperate. But what if I've got it completely wrong? I am so very sad about it. I would love to try again.
I am aware he has hurt me very badly in the past. But if he has improved himself as I have I believe in my marriage vows and believe he is my soul mate. We didnt handle the break up well and both had our part to play. What should I do next?
He was sleeping with a colleague while you were married. Never mind the break up, that's an awful thing for him to have done.
He’s proven he’s a cheat. He’s looking for a bit on the side. Don’t be it.
If I've understood, he is still with the new GF? It doesn't say much for his new morals if he's making eyes at you, while in a relationship.
Personally I think you need to move on to someone you can trust.
He isn't your soul mate, he cheated on you and left for his work colleague because he didn't love you and preferred her at that time.
Now he's probably bored with her and looking for a bit on the side so he's reaching out hoping you'll be desperate enough.
To clarify he didnt end up with the colleague. That was something that ended some months before our split.
We are yet to get divorced and I know it is disrespectful that he is even going out with our dog when he has a girlfriend. But if I'm selfish about it; we are still married and they arent. I would like to give it another go. I'm not desperate and know there are other options for me. I just dont feel we tried enough at the time.
I really dont know what to do or if im even clutching at straws. It's making me very sad.
If you are in England then ignore any of his messages for at least a week. Then say as we are in lockdown you can't meet up for any reason as handing over your pet isn't in the guidelines. Then ignore any further messages.
You need to keep away from him for your own mental well being. If you want to permanently keep the dog then I would block him on everything and send any of his emails to a folder set up specifically for him.
If you don't want the dog on your own permanently then after lockdown hand the dog over to him and block him.
Give it a go if you want to, but you need to be keenly aware that the chances of it working and him changing are next to zero. You will more than likely go through all of that bullshit and pain again.
You left him for some very good reasons. Those reasons haven't changed.
So he cheated on you with a colleague and now he is trying to cheat on his current partner with you...
Basically he is incapable of being faithful it seems!!!
Hang on, so he's living with another woman but coming round to yours and making eyes at you? Is that the sort of man you want in your life?
You've had a really tough time. It's natural that you yearn for those early days again (even if he was cheating on you.) But that's a mirage. The man you loved didn't exist. You discovered his real self and he left you. He's now living with another woman who, I'm sure, has no idea he's cosying up to you.
I'd go through with the divorce.
Thank you everyone for your replies.
I dont want him to cheat on his girlfriend. I was hoping he was having thoughts he might want to try again with me.
Seems like he was happy to cheat on you, and now he wants to cheat with you.
What a charmer.
He cheated on you at the start of your marriage. He has terrible morals and will be reckless with your heart and feelings again. Love yourself more and cut all contact. The dog seems like a convenient link to him that you need to sever pronto
I know it would protect myself to sever all contact. I'm just wondering if there might be an opportunity to try again and wondering how i would even find that out.
I have had two years on my own now and we had two years married. I know which I prefer. How do I find out how he feels?
The only way to know is ask him. Be careful he doesn't spin you a lie to sleep with you and then change his mind. Because he is good at lying.
Sadly it doesn't sound as if his behaviour has changed or matured very much.
The first question to ask him is, Does your gf know you are having coffee with me. If he hesitates or flusters then you know you are a secret.
Bring up that you want the divorce to start and see what he says.
You say "..but if he has improved himself as I have.." that is one huge IF. What if he is still a cheating bastard able to lie to your face?
Caution and boundaries K8smith1 and then more caution.
Good luck, I hope this works out well for you.
Do you think I will come off as needy if I ask him?
Ffs. Don't do it. What are the things you found out you didn't handle well? Then he cheated on you. Now you think he might be up for cheating on his current partner. Raise your standards- you KNOW how this would go!
Yes, you will look hugely needy and you would be very foolish to do so. He's not worth it.
You need to look forwards, not back to this poor specimen.
I found out he was taking steroids. I hit the roof. Was not understanding. Did not take time to understand. Just thought of all the times he had lied about it and made it about myself.
I feel like I'm losing sympathy of all my friends because I still have feelings for him. Even my mum is losing patience. I have just tried so hard and done what everybody has said to make my life better and I still miss him..and wish I could go back in time. I just dont seem to be able to get to a point of being content. Unlike him I've not jumped into a relationship, I've had counselling for two years and I've stayed living alone. I feel like I've done my time now andade my changes. I was so excited when he looked at me as he did on the doorstep. Excited but cautious. I know if it is looked at in black and white common sense says leave it alone. But he is my husband and I love him.
I would carry on as you are for a while and let him do the running so to speak. If he wants to get back with you then it's up to him to make the first move as he's the one in a relationship. In the long term I wouldn't take him back straight away. He'd have to leave the GF and find somewhere to live on his own for at least a year. During that time you could try to rebuild your relationship. I know there are people on here who don't believe in giving others a second chance but if it's something you are prepared to risk then go into it with your eyes wide open. Just don't be totally available for him, he's got a lot of hard work ahead of him if he wants to try again.
Just need to say if he ever lets you down again then you must break all ties and that includes the dog.
It sounds like you could be co-dependent?
@RandomMess what makes you say that?
If you've been working on changing yourself I hope you'll have come far enough not to go back there with your ex.
My money is on him being fed up with the gf and looking for somewhere cushy to lockdown.
What he should be doing is speaking with her about their relationship, dumping her if he no longer feels for her, and getting a lease on a flat or moving in with his mother for six months to get his head straight.
Men that move from one woman/home to another without space in between are immature users who think more with their bank balance and their dick than they do with their sensible brain.
I wouldnt date him until he’s moved out if her house for at least six months. If he’s not prepared to do that for you he’s not worth the hassle. Those should be the bare minimum of your terms. The fact that he could be looking to two time her makes me think he’s not changed at all though, and I know you think you still love him but I don’t know if he’s worth your counselling bill and a future repeat of the past when he gets fed up with you again and starts sniffing elsewhere behind your back.
Don’t rush into anything.
Please login first.