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Breadcrumbing?

(309 Posts)
notsurewhattodo22 Sun 01-Nov-20 14:07:30

I'm feeling really down...I posted a while ago but it's no better.

I split with my ex ( if you can call it that) about a month ago. There was no real finality, we had a bit of a tiff and he said he couldn't give me what I want / need..and he wasn't prepared to.

Since then I've not seen him but he's kept in touch by text. There has been no mention about me and him...just boring stuff really. I initially tried to make it up but he said he wasn't sure and since then he's not mentioned 'us'.

It's doing my head in as I can't move on as I'm reminded everytime he texts. I also can't bring myself to ignore or block him as I still love him and there's that tiny bit of hope. I know he doesn't feel the same and he has no idea how sad I am about it. I don't want to humiliate myself going over it again.

He says he's very depressed at the moment so that keeps me there as I don't want to be nasty to him. He's been pretty bad to me though.

I feel like he's breadcrumbing me but I'm not sure....he could just be depressed and want a friend.

The lack of an ending though and then intermittent texts asking how I am is making me very confused.

OP’s posts: |
BeepBoopBop Sun 01-Nov-20 14:18:49

For your own sanity, block & move on. He can't/won't give you what he says you want. Do you know what you want? He wants you to put up with the relationship just as he wants it. Just. Block. Give yourself closure.

FriesianSparkle Sun 01-Nov-20 14:22:21

I'm going through the same thing almost 8 months on. For me it doesn't get any easier. I'm trauma bonded to my ex and we were on/off for nearly 4 yrs. Yet my ex of 21 yrs and father to my 11 yr old i got over no probs. Strange how the human mind works 😏 sending love 😘

notsurewhattodo22 Sun 01-Nov-20 14:25:48

Should I explain to him?

We were friends before getting together which makes it all the worse. He seems to just assume we can go back to that.

It's definitely not a relationship now...just a few daily texts checking in.

As pathetic as is I still like hearing from him. I would feel awful just blocking with no explanation even though he treated me shoddily which is put down to his depression.

I've been very depressed too though in bits. It's like he's just erased we were together at all and is just back to how he used to be. I'm not sure how he can do that really.

OP’s posts: |
notsurewhattodo22 Sun 01-Nov-20 14:27:25

sparkle me too...I had no problem getting over my ex husband etc but this....wow! It was only a short relationship really but I think I I may be trauma bonded.

How he can just act like nothing has happened makes me question my own sanity even more.

OP’s posts: |
notsurewhattodo22 Sun 01-Nov-20 14:34:02

And the texts are just as if nothing has happened....just general stuff.

OP’s posts: |
FelicityPike Sun 01-Nov-20 14:39:23

Yeah you need to block him.
Sorry, but you do.
Good luck!

Dery Sun 01-Nov-20 15:07:32

I agree with @FelicityPike. I’ve been finished with on a few occasions and quickly learnt I needed a period of no contact - trying to be friends was just so painful because it just reinforced how much less I had meant to the other person than they meant to me. You just need to bite the bullet on this because it’s those glimmers of hope which are the most damaging thing of all. They stop you grieving fully and if you don’t grieve you can’t move on.

Just explain that you wish him well but right now you find it too confusing and too upsetting to have contact and you need to step away.

You may well find you can become friends again in the future - that’s happened for me on a few occasions. But it required several months of no contact before I could be comfortable with that.

KnightsofColumbusThatHurt Sun 01-Nov-20 15:09:02

Hang on.... How are we 8 posts deep into this thread and no one has said...... Breadcrumbing? confused

Sargass0 Sun 01-Nov-20 15:19:17

If you have a trauma bond- then this implies it was an abusive relationship so you may need to contact a support service to help you through this.

Bunnymumy Sun 01-Nov-20 17:47:39

He's a shit. He texts you every day to keep you suffering and to maintain control.

Delete and block. You dont owe him an explanation. Why the fuck do you owe anyone being nasty to you so much as the time of day? You don't. He doesnt need support. Champion yourself. You deserve to be your own support in breaking free of the asshole.

AuntyFungal Sun 01-Nov-20 18:08:14

He doesn’t want you.

He’s using you to stoke his ego - as a crutch in these uncertain times.

Treat this like an addiction - v dangerous, v harmful.

frozendaisy Sun 01-Nov-20 18:17:14

If you were friends before, tried a romantic relationship but it didn't work, personally I wouldn't block him BUT I wouldn't answer each and every text either.

Not in a game playing way but as your head is messed up I would leave it a couple of days, then answer if you feel like it.

He sounds hard work. So perhaps concentrating on you for now without blocking or constant responding is a better balance.

If it's still doing you no good leave it longer between responses.

notsurewhattodo22 Sun 01-Nov-20 18:49:35

He is dangerous and harmful to me and I don't know why. I don't know why it's having such a huge effect. Probably as I trusted him that I hadn't had sex for years due to issues and we had sex and he knew how besotted I was with him.

Why is he now playing this...like it was nothing. Just messaging me as if nothing has happened and all friendly. He hasn't mentioned me and him but plays the nice guy checking I'm okay.

I'm not okay.

OP’s posts: |
notsurewhattodo22 Sun 01-Nov-20 18:52:04

He's not being 'nasty' that's the issue. He's being all lovely and nice like nothing has happened. Like no emotion whatsoever, it's hugely fucking with my head. Because he is being 'nice' though it makes me doubt myself.

OP’s posts: |
thelegohooverer Sun 01-Nov-20 19:10:54

I really hate the notion that a friendship is a level down from a relationship. Imo it’s something entirely different. Some friendships are deeper and more sustained than relationships. A friendship can progress into a relationship. But I just don’t believe that it can work the other way round. A friendship isn’t something you step down into. In fact it calls into question the original friendship when a guy thinks this can happen .
Obviously, that’s my contrary view based on personal experience.

I really think you deserve so much more than this. But you aren’t going to find it if you let this guy block the view. It sounds to me like you havent actually experienced a really good relationship because if you had, you wouldn’t be taken in by these men. Maybe this is an opportunity to take some time out and appreciate yourself for a while and find someone worthy of you.

thelegohooverer Sun 01-Nov-20 19:11:46

I’m a little tipsy and that might be a bit blunt. It’s more kindly meant than it reads.

anotherdisaster Sun 01-Nov-20 22:31:27

He doesn't want you but is keeping you dangling in case 1) he can't find anyone else quickly or 2) he changes his mind. Sorry if thats blunt but its true. If he genuinely wanted things to be over he wouldn't be texting. He sounds abusive too - probably gets some power kick from doing it, knowing its keeping your hopes up.

Jux Sun 01-Nov-20 23:04:23

He is being nasty. He's being very nasty indeed. He knows what he's doing, he knows you didn't want it to end, he's just got you on the backburner now and the next time he wants something he can't get elsewhere he'll get it from you. then he'll disappear off again, but keep texting to keep you alert andc make sure you don't move on and then he'll come back and get something - a warm and willing bed is the most likely - then he'll bugger off again and that's the rest of your life right there. You'll wake up at 80 and wonder why you wasted so much time on such an arsehole but you're 80 and there isn't another arsehole around and there's no hope of finding another one now because the 80yo arseholes are into 60yo women, so you'll just carry on with this arsehole until you die. BAM life is over.

BLOCK HIM.

Bamboo15 Sun 01-Nov-20 23:08:25

Guys..... breadcrumbing???

incognitomum Mon 02-Nov-20 06:55:32

@Bamboo15 did you Google? I personally thought it was obvious.

Breadcrumbingis the activity of sending brief and sporadic messages, digital morsels such as short text messages, Facebook posts or Instagram likes, which indicate that you still like someone, when in reality you're unlikely to meet up with them ever again, let alone pursue a full-blown relationship with them.

notsurewhattodo22 Mon 02-Nov-20 09:56:22

Wow...thanks for the responses.

Maybe I'm very naive then in thinking he's genuinely bothered about me 😪 it wasn't just his fault we fell out really. As I said I really wanted to reconcile at the time.

The consensus seems to be that he knows what he's doing and keeping me there just incase. I have felt this from him previously but as he's always come back I thought he cared. It has always been on his terms though.

Urgh this is horrible to think that may be the case.

OP’s posts: |
incognitomum Mon 02-Nov-20 11:56:27

Don't feel bad. It's so common. More so women on the receiving end.

Please don't let him have this power over you. Try to do things to distract yourself.

notsurewhattodo22 Tue 03-Nov-20 08:34:04

Horrible thinking he's doing this just to keep me there.

Are 'breadcrumbers' aware of what they are doing?

OP’s posts: |
TwentyViginti Tue 03-Nov-20 08:49:10

Yes, they are very aware. Playing the nice guy while keeping you ticking over just in case they hit a dry spell and fancy a shag.

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