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Mess everywhere and expected to do it all...

(22 Posts)
mammamiaherewegoagain Sat 31-Oct-20 07:08:30

So... me and my partner haven't been getting on for many reasons. Mainly because he thinks I should do everything around the house, pick up after him and do all sorts of things for him while he does nothing for me and the kids, because 'he works' but he's forgetting that I work too, as well as look after three children. Last night I got extremely fed up and decided I wasn't cooking tea, cleaning up, or doing anything. I haven't been in the house for a full day for well over a month. So everything needs a full clean, don't get me wrong it's not filthy or anything like that, but it's just not tidy and clean enough or organised etc. So he came home arguing with me, cooked tea, left food, tubs, tins, plates, pans, fresh food all over the kitchen, to the point where you can't even see the counter top. It's still all there this morning. I asked him to clean it up- you've never seen so much mess from one meal being made! He replied I'm not stupid I aren't doing it, you are.

So I've left it, but I feel like I need to clean it because it makes me feel so uncomfortable but I know he'll just take it for granted and keep doing what he's doing and expect me to do everything. I feel like I'm just left to do everything while he enjoys lots of 'me time, chill out time' etc and I don't even get 5 minutes of anything.

Not really any point to this post I just needed to vent. Feel like I need to leave- but no where to go. I'm trapped, fed up and depressed.

OP’s posts: |
Ohalrightthen Sat 31-Oct-20 07:36:28

The fact that he said "I'm not stupid" and then followed it up with "I aren't doing it" would have had me laughing in his face OP, so if you managed not to do that you're a better woman than I.

The fact is, the problem isn't the mess, it's the fact that your partner is a disrespectful dickhead who believes that it is your job to look after and clean up after him, I imagine because he has a penis and you don't. To be honest, even if he got his act together and started pulling his weight, which is highly unlikely, I'd struggle to ever respect him after behaviour like this.

If i were you I'd be spending some time imagining what life would be like if you didn't have to pander to this nasty man child all the time.

Qwertywerty3 Sat 31-Oct-20 07:39:08

Your partner is a dick. Do not clean up his mess in the kitchen. Stand firm.

It sounds like you need a cleaner if he’s not prepared to help you.

RantyAnty Sat 31-Oct-20 07:53:39

He really has a big sense of entitlement.

He cooks something for himself and doesn't believe he should clean up after himself.

Are you renting or buying? Are these his children and what ages are they? What is your job situation?

ZombieAttack Sat 31-Oct-20 08:16:20

Leave him, not the mess. Think how lovely and stress free your life would be without him in it and picking up after him everyday.

Also think about the example he sets to your children currently.

Snowoctopus Sat 31-Oct-20 08:25:04

Your post made me think of the quotes post below, from the Beyond Sleep Training Project on fb:

(This post is specifically geared at women in heterosexual relationships.) Ok ladies, we need to talk.

Every few weeks there's a post that makes the admin team spend a day debating if we should say something or not. These posts are always on the same theme; husbands who are not pulling their weight.

Well, after just reading a post from this week were a whopping 4 HUNDRED of you commented in solidarity with the OP I've decided today is the day we say something.

Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

one of you being on antidepressants because your husband won't help raise the children he fathered is one too many. 400+ of you being exhausted to the brink of PND and breakdowns is heartbreaking for us to watch.

You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.

I am sorry.

pregnantandfeminist.blogspot.com/2020/10/household-chore-inequity-is-abuse.html?m=1

thethoughtfox Sat 31-Oct-20 08:40:41

Snowoctopus

Your post made me think of the quotes post below, from the Beyond Sleep Training Project on fb:

(This post is specifically geared at women in heterosexual relationships.) Ok ladies, we need to talk.

Every few weeks there's a post that makes the admin team spend a day debating if we should say something or not. These posts are always on the same theme; husbands who are not pulling their weight.

Well, after just reading a post from this week were a whopping 4 HUNDRED of you commented in solidarity with the OP I've decided today is the day we say something.

Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

one of you being on antidepressants because your husband won't help raise the children he fathered is one too many. 400+ of you being exhausted to the brink of PND and breakdowns is heartbreaking for us to watch.

You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.

I am sorry.

pregnantandfeminist.blogspot.com/2020/10/household-chore-inequity-is-abuse.html?m=1

I have saved this post to share with my daughter when she is older.

WitchWife Sat 31-Oct-20 08:51:34

Stand firm. Do not clean. Head out for the day and leave him with it.

CupoTeap Sat 31-Oct-20 08:57:56

This is a line in the sand, you either stand firm or gold and be the slave forever

ForkHandlesplease Sat 31-Oct-20 08:58:38

My DH + I usually share pretty much all chores, shopping cleaning etc, but occasionally i remind him I'm not staff.

Comtesse Sat 31-Oct-20 09:05:06

That’s rubbish. Go and buy some paper plates today and face this down. Why should you clean this up? @Snowoctopus that quote is brilliant!

WhereIsTheSaladDoris Sat 31-Oct-20 09:07:44

Do not clean that kitchen today.

If there is one thing you listen to.... do NOT clean the kitchen.

mammamiaherewegoagain Sat 31-Oct-20 09:13:45

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. The children are 13, 3, baby. 13 year old is not his.

@Snowoctopus has his the nail on the head with that post! Almost everything you had written down is what I have to endure, baby wants me within two seconds of being with dad (apparently) toddler wants me all the time and apparently won't go to sleep without me, yet he won't even try to get her to sleep for me! Last night I was getting shouted at because I don't have the kids in a routine (I have been getting them into a routine for the past 3 weeks and it's worked well, two nights ago he decided he wanted the kids to stay up so woke them up those two nights- for no reason I might add) breaking everything I had put in place. It's time for me to leave I think. He shows no problem with me saying about leaving because clearly all he's bothered about is owning the house. We both own it but he constantly rubs it in my face that I cannot afford it alone. I probably could if I really really tried. But I know for a fact he will not leave! He's too entitled, thinks everything should be done for him. Thinks the older child should clean and do loads of chores while his chills out and drinks beet. Thinks he's got a right to moan at me when he can't find clothes or socks etc, thinks he doesn't have to do anything. Has the cheek to call me useless and ugly whenever I don't do what he wants.

OP’s posts: |
dooratheexplorer Sat 31-Oct-20 09:21:37

Op, you need to pluck up the courage and make the break.

It might not be clear now but you will manage. Don't waste any more time. This isn't going to get better.

Blanca87 Sat 31-Oct-20 09:26:10

Your oldest is not only watching you being abused but is also being emotional abused themself. What are you going to do about that?

WitchWife Sat 31-Oct-20 09:33:39

Wanna bet your eldest is a girl?

Either way, he’s a bully who wants a child to do his share of the chores. Isn’t that disgusting?

He’s abusive and deserves to live alone in his own muck while you and your lovely kids are free.

seriousandloyal Sat 31-Oct-20 09:34:01

He sounds so horrible OP, I feel so sorry for you. Selfish and unkind people like that never change, they just get worse.

Isolatedizzy Sat 31-Oct-20 12:03:55

Is there somewhere you could go right now? Take your kids and go right now and just leave him to it?

Snowoctopus Sat 31-Oct-20 18:06:32

I am so sorry.
You need to leave this man.
Wishing you strength and courage.

mammamiaherewegoagain Sun 01-Nov-20 08:45:45

There's somewhere I can go for now. But not for long. Probably a maximum of 2-3 nights so doesn't get me much, then I'll be stuck and have to come back.

OP’s posts: |
DBML Sun 01-Nov-20 08:57:07

I know a lady, who after getting married noticed her husband started refusing to clean up. The final time he did this, she went around the house grabbing everything that was out of place (his headphones; dirty plates; pots and pans; shoes; clothes; etc) and popped them into a big bin bag. She did the living room, where he was sat last and he watched with confusion as she scooped up the last few things that were messily hanging about, chucked them into the bin bag and then opened the back doors. She then swung and threw the bag out onto the patio, hearing everything inside bang and smash. But the house was tidy. I believe she hasn’t had a problem with him helping out since.

VettiyaIruken Sun 01-Nov-20 09:01:32

Even the language is part of the problem.
Do X for me
Help with the baby
Help out

It's not helping you unless it is actually your job to do it.

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