Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
My head is gone...possibleEA(29 Posts)
Long time lurker
I dont know where to start
Been with dh 12.5years married 9.5 kids 7&4
The rship has probably been quite turmoil and abusive for some time. He is very aggressive and angry which very rarely turns physical but has...he has spat in my face, grabbed my throat, pushed me but thiese are stand alone incidents.
He gaslights me, im pretty sure and turns everything around always on me.
Back story is his work endeavours havent really worked out the last few years and he is earning very minimal (think trying new start ups) i run a successful business which i work several hours a week (50) and have staff too. I mostly manage house and kids too as i have some flexibility.
Partly this has enabled him to pursue his dreams, partly is has also made him feel like a trophy husband. Im not bothered by money im not particularly materialistic i am driven and i like to succeed. I know he is desperate to too. But because he hasnt been recently (last few yrs not just covid) it haa affected him and his general well being and i would say he is/was a broken man
Pre covid he was seeing a counsellor to talk through things which we had discussed would be good for him, but when covid hit as so much was work related he decided to stop it. Since then he has embarked in a few other prjects and he is trying hard.
Due to covid also i have taken on some extra work (office costs, furlough costs of my own staff and unable to furlough myself) it meant three days i week i really needed his help with the kids. He resented being a “glorified housewife trophy husband “ his words not mine,and we fought a lot. Eventually said to him we need marriage counselling or we are done.
Now the next bit. Mc starts next week.
However, i have become essentially involved in an emotional affair with my boss at work. I know this is wrong but i also really know that i would never do anything physical.
He is a similar age with two kids the same age in an awful marriage (so he says i appreicate) we talk a lot about life and all sorts, we have admitted to eachother than we are enjoying eachothers conversation and are thinking about them and i have been very clear that i would never cheat. I know its wrong even how much we are messaging and i would never have put myself here in a million year. When i wanted to kick mh dh out earlier this yesr i even said to my mum im very happy to be alone. I dont need a man so its very unexpected in any case. I also think people who cheat are such scum and im appauled at myself that i even find myself thinking to message this other man.
But my head is gone.
I wish marriage counselling would have started in july but is my marriage doomed anyway? I love my husband i wish he was the man i married and he is trying so hard now to help with the kids. I dont know where i am anymore or what my kids deserve. What i deserve? Sorry for the long thread
‘ He is very aggressive and angry which very rarely turns physical but has...he has spat in my face, grabbed my throat, pushed me but thiese are stand alone incidents.
He gaslights me, im pretty sure and turns everything around always on me.’
Don’t walk. Run.
He's as far from a 'trophy' as you can get.
You don't need marriage counselling you need to leave. He is a bog-standard aggressive, manipulative abuser who may one day kill you, giving the stats around men who choke women.
You and your kids deserve to be safe and happy.
Definitely leave. Or make him leave. Whichever, it sounds so full of red flags.
The other guy at work - I get why you would get something from confiding in someone else but not want to take things further. I think this is a red herring to the real problem, which is you are with an abusive man.
He spat in your face?! Sorry if I were you I would’ve choked HIM. LTB ASAP.
You need a solicitor, not a marriage counsellor. You've given him every chance, this is not something your kids should grow up with.
You absolutely cannot and should not stay with a man that has spat in your face....that's the first thing that stood out to me. Oh my god.
Get rid of him immediately...you sound like a strong woman why haven't you already?
And please don't have an EA with another woman's husband - this is so selfish and unfair. Why do woman do this to each other and think it's ok. Just because you're marriage is a mess why do you think it's ok to destroy someone else's?
What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your mother get abused too?
What do you get out of this relationship now?
What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.
You need a solicitor to divorce your abusive H, not marriage counselling. Its also never recommended when there is abuse of any type within the relationship.
You need to be on your own now with your children because they are seeing this too and its no legacy to be leaving them.
The other man is a distraction to what is really going on in your marriage and this emotional affair needs to end today. He has also targeted and used you here by picking up on your distress and using that to his own ends.
Trophy ? He's no fucking prize, he's an abuser.
Forget silly mooning over the OM right now, end your marriage and get him the hell away from you and your kids.
Am i stupid to think he can change? He has started trying. I know the spitting was a bit turning point for me. I kinda realised it doesnt matter how much he says he loves me....and I believe he does. Whats he gonna do next time i make him mad, or he is mad, or the kids get older and make him mad.
I feel i have to try mc
I dont think the om has targetted me at all. I make him laugh everytime we talk and thats where it started. I have only in the last week been a bit more honest with him at the state of my marriage. I cant stop thinking about him but i know its lust/not real
Anybody that displays such naked contempt by spitting into the face of someone they are supposed to cherish will never change
You are fooling yourself op, which is one thing. Subjecting your children to the example of such a fucked up relationship is quite another.
He will not change, this is who he is. You can only change how you react to him.
He may perhaps “try” when he realises that you are finally serious about leaving him but such efforts even then from these types is short lived. Do you really not think that you deserve better, what happened to you when you were growing up?.
Do not use the other man here as your exit affair, doing so will further open a can of worms. He is a distraction to you from the state of your marriage.
I was sexually abused by a family member when i was very little, it all stopped at 13 but of course had lasting effect. I dont believe i deserve being treated like shit but i also don’t believe making my children have a dad in another house isnt ideal if he has the capacity to change?
You won't get agreement here that he will change no matter how many times/ways you ask for it
You ate in a horrendous marriage and you have fallen for someone else is that so surprising/wrong?
Thank you for your responses. How do i best approach marriage counselling? We start next week. Do i basically say the first few paragraphs? Miss out the om?
No - do not get marriage counselling; it doesn't work in abusive relationships.
Get yourself therapy, and as soon as possible. You need to unpick why it is that you think this is love.
You are still holding out hope that someone else will rescue you, when only you are going to be able to do that for yourself and your kids.
Marriage counciling does not work with abusers. Infact, it is strongly advised against as abusers can manipulate the counciling sessions.
Get individual counselling if need be, for yourself, to help build back up your self esteem. And speak to womans aid asap.
He chooses to hurt you. It is all about control. And he is not trying to be better, he is faking it so that you will think he has a good side. He doesnt, it's an act to keep you making excuses for him.
OP - it’s really not a good idea to do counselling with an abuser. He will manipulate the sessions.
I think you should work on planning another life. If I were you I’d also not feel bad about having feelings for the OM - you haven’t done anything (yet). On MN sometimes even noticing another man means you should be burned at the stake
Marriage counselling is contraindicated where there is abuse present
No legit counsellor will accept you for joint sessions
You would be better having individual sessions to figure out why you are still sticking your head in the sand
Relationship counseling has to be a safe place where two people seek to understand each other and communicate better.
You can't have a safe space to open up with someone who has grabbed your throat and spat in your face.
The only safe space is one he has no access to.
If you need to talk to someone, individual counseling would help you.
Do not reveal your feelings for another man to your abusive husband - it is not safe Imagining a different future, an escape, is very understandable when you are so unhappy. You don't need to feel guilty. But he's not free and he can't rescue you. The real bright future is getting yourself safely away from a man who treats you with violence and contempt.
I would never disclose the om to him. But wonder if we can go into mc like this. I dont think he can manipulate the situation cos i can argue my corner i think. As i say this om is lust at besr and i dont need the security of a man. It has taken me by surprise and is onsturcting my view
The bigger picture is to try and make it work with my husband but i know thar truely will only come with work success and even then i cant guarentee that will make him
Nice you are rught i am sticking myself in the sand because i dont want to break up my family 🤷🏻♀️
But you won't have broken up your family. It is broke now you are in an abusive unsafe marriage. This isn't a rosey relationship.
You are not safe, ergo your children are not safe.
It doesn't matter how much someone tries or is being helpful for the moment. You are just skipping past the massive red sirens that are going off everywhere.
Your husband has beat down your self esteem to such a level that you think you can change his behaviour by changing your self.
You are ignoring the fact that this isn't somewhere that you can safely argue your corner because he is abusive.
Whatever you reveal in counselling will be used against you. You can't see it for the minute because you are in the midst of it. Your husband is not a good man, and nothing in your circumstances are going to change to give him a good character.
The man who spit in your face, grabs you by the neck is who he is.
The man who instead of being grateful of the fact his wife is financially strong that is allows him to work on his dreams is resentful.
This is who he is. Ignoring these facts because you are stuck on the concept that children should live with both parents.
Your children should not live with this man, he abuses their mother. That's not the relationship you want them to see.
Please login first.