Friends with benefits. What are the 'rules'?

[ChippyPickledEggs]

I haven't really done this before. I fancy him but a relationship isn't feasible/desirable so I'm up for giving it a go.

But I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing really. I never text him to chat but my most recent text specifically asking to hook up went ignored. And I felt pretty miffed. I would have been cool with him replying that it didn't suit him for whatever reason but now I'm wondering whether feeling miffed is appropriate for this kind of relationship?

I mean I totally understand why he may not have wanted to. We had only seen eachother a couple of nights previously and I did think it might be a bit soon. It's just I had a rare child free night so shot him a text...

Now I'm all, 'well I'm going to wait for him to contact me. If he wants to see me he can get in touch.' And then worrying I'm over thinking it all. Perhaps I'm not cut out for this type of arrangement, I don't know.

But anyway, my question is, do people who navigate successful FWB get fed up if a text gets ignored? Or would you consider it no big deal?

[FortunesFave]

I think a polite relationship is absolutely necessary and just ignoring you isn't nice at all. How could you enjoy sex with a man who did that? You couldn't. I'd delete him and move on.

[bluebearss]

Agree with the PP. Respect has to be the foundation of your relationship, however casual. It's rude to not respond, even with a quick 'cant make it, maybe next week' message.

[mydogishungry]

Just decide what you can cope with and set some ground rules. It's a tricky one to navigate though because casual and cool are not often how women feel after sex. In your position l would have expected a quick 'thanks but l am busy' from him.

[ChippyPickledEggs]

Yes I did expect that to be honest. I live in an area that has gone back into full lockdown although people that live alone (as he does) are allowed to see one or two friends as part of a 'support bubble.' The last time we saw eachother he mentioned me coming to see him over lockdown more than once. This was definitely his idea, not mine. Then when I sent a message to suggest a meet up... nothing.

I would just like things to be clearer. But I'm loath to contact him now as he's already ignored one message.

[mydogishungry]

Yes l would sit tight and let him come to you/initiate. Let's face it, they normally always reappear at some point so you don't need to worry. I have got the silent waiting game down to a fine art. Personally it makes me feel in control and not chasing. When he does reappear (and he will) just be clear in your own head what you can and can't cope with and don't feel you have to be cool about something you're not. Maybe fwb is not for you.

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

In my mind (&life/bed) there's a BIG difference between FB &FWB.

But EITHER should have the common decency to reply to a text.

I wouldn't message him again & I'd be busy if he does get in touch. His loss if he wanted to waste a child free evening you had. Might not get another anytime soon

[ChippyPickledEggs]

Well actually I did have another tonight. But I was fucked if I was messaging him, so I watched Season 3 of Harlots and ate Jelly Tots instead. Rock and Roll

[ReneeRol]

He is probably seeing someone now and leaving you to the side to see how it goes. If he does reply, don't respond. Don't give your time to someone who's not into you.

[ChippyPickledEggs]

I don't think so Renee. He hasn't mentioned seeing anyone else and I last saw him the Friday before and then shot the text on the Sunday so that would be some fast moving.

Also I think the whole point is supposed to be that we're not super into eachother. But I get your point. None of this warrants being rude and it doesn't feel good giving my time or sharing my body with someone who can't even treat me with a bit of courtesy.

I thought we had come to a mutual understanding that respect was important too.

[Orkneys]

The rules? One of you falls in love and the other one doesn't.

[Everybodyfednobodydead]

I am no expert by any means but have been on either end of the spectum with fwb.
The first we started off with the plan of not getting feelings etc. Worked for a while however we got in the habit of messaging all day everyday. Phone calls etc. Really invested time or so I thought. I fell in love he didn't. Broke my heart.
Another fwb situation I had lasted 5 years. In that time we had breaks as were dating other people etc. The difference was we were honest about what it was. We never messaged throughout the day to see how each other was. One of us would message asking to meet on a weekend. He'd come over we'd get a takeaway have a few drinks then he'd leave in the morning. Sounds seedy to some but we got on well and respected each other. The no constant contact meant we never fell into deeper feelings other than attraction and friendship. It worked really well. We didn't have each other on social media other and were open and honest about dating others. For us it really worked well but everyone's different and what worked for me might not work for someone else

[category12]

Nah, if he ignores a "let's hook up" text, that's rude. You want a basic respect level, otherwise it'll just end up you feeling used, and this is supposed to be a fun arrangement.

Unless he has an excellent explanation, I wouldn't bother with him again. It doesn't cost him anything to be polite.

[justanotherneighinparadise]

Don’t fall into the trap where he is the one dictating every hook up. Ie your texts get ignored but when he texts you, you say yes. That’s an unequal balance of power that will inevitably end up with you feeling like shit.

[SortingItOut]

If he still hasn't replied then i assume he doesnt actually want FB/FWB.
When you first agreed to FWB what was said about meeting up?
I've had loads of FB and some FWB and generally from the start you discuss availability, I've had a twice weekly thing with one FWB, a weekly thing with another, a 2 weekly thing with another and then I've had some that were bi-monthly.
The common factor was that it was all agreed when we became FB/FWB so we knew where we stood.

Also one of the 'rules' is knowing whether either are sleeping with others and whether you are on the same page....

[ShinyGreenElephant]

To me, FWB means an actual proper friend. A friend wouldn't just ignore a text for no reason, its really rude. Do you text generally about other stuff? If its more of FB situation I think you make your own rules for your own situation but it needs to be discussed so you're both on the same page

[ChippyPickledEggs]

We don't text generally about other stuff. Before we first met up and slept together there were a couple of flirty conversations over text but never general day to day chit chat. That isn't something I'm interested in.

We haven't really discussed terms further than 'this is friends with benefits, not a relationship.' We didn't discuss availability or regularity, although as I said in a previous post it was him that mentioned us seeing eachother over lockdown a couple of times. So when I texted I felt I was following his lead really.

I don't know, it just seems like a bit of a deliberate fuck you? It would have taken him 20 seconds to text back something like: Can't do tonight, maybe later in the week? I'll be in touch. So why not do that?

If he's changed his mind that's ok. He's not all that and I don't love him - I'm not going to be terribly hurt. Perhaps a bit disappointed. I realise he might feel that's a slightly more difficult conversation to have and would rather just leave it hoping I get the hint. Which is a pain for me as it's unclear and I'll spend the rest of lockdown wondering if he's going to get in touch. I'd rather just know. But I'm not messaging him.

[BeQuick]

A friend with benefits is a friend first and foremost but one with whom you have sex if the mood takes you both.

If you can't discuss the parameters and you're not actually friends. Then you can't be fwb.

I've had a couple of friends with benefits. They were friends before the benefits and remained friends afterwards.

[Bettereveryday1]

You're a shag when he's desperate. Once you know your place then you won't be disappointed.

It works both ways obviously but that's the basis of it.

[Bettereveryday1]

@SortingItOut

If he still hasn't replied then i assume he doesnt actually want FB/FWB.
When you first agreed to FWB what was said about meeting up?
I've had loads of FB and some FWB and generally from the start you discuss availability, I've had a twice weekly thing with one FWB, a weekly thing with another, a 2 weekly thing with another and then I've had some that were bi-monthly.
The common factor was that it was all agreed when we became FB/FWB so we knew where we stood.

Also one of the 'rules' is knowing whether either are sleeping with others and whether you are on the same page....

All at the same time?

[Jennifer2r]

I have done this a few times and my criteria is they have to be more keen than I am. If they become blasé, disrespectful or stop replying they are ditched.

[Bluntness100]

It’s very rude not to respond back but two days after the last hook up is very fast he may be thinking you want more, I think a lot of folks would read it like that, that you are super keen. You only saw him Friday and by Sunday you’re asking for more. Do you even see a best friend that often?

However it doesn’t justify him ignoring you because he thinks you’re overly keen,

[Bluntness100]

Sorry rereading this, he isn’t actually a friend? He’s just some bloke you met and shagged? WAs it on line dating? And he suggested meeting a couple of times over lock down, which is like twice? And you asked to meet again a day and a half after seeing him the last time?

Are you sure you don’t want a relationship with him?

[ChippyPickledEggs]

I think, if I'm honest with myself, it's my ego that's hurting more than my feelings.

There wasn't ever going to be a relationship but the chemistry was really there, I thought. The last time I ran into him was the day the lockdown was due to start at 6.00pm. Lots of people were out meeting in the cafes and pubs, wanting to see friends before they couldn't anymore. I went into my local pub and he was there. And it honestly felt magnetic. I could feel his awareness of where I was in the room and the body language and the eye contact... there was no way we weren't going home together.

So this cold response now is a bit... hm.

[Nikhedonia]

I think it's possibly that you messaged asking to see him so soon after seeing him the last time. He's possibly worried that you are looking for more than a FWB arrangement.

[ChippyPickledEggs]

I didn't meet him online, no. We met through an activity. There was a build up of a couple of months of heavy flirting and making excuses to hang around each other before we finally met up for the first time.

I definitely don't want a relationship. It just isn't feasible - for a few different reasons.

I do understand that it was a bit fast, I really do. I think you may be right Bluntness that he is assuming I want more. And I do want more I suppose. In the sense that I want someone who is not going to ignore my messages. I don't want a committed, exclusive relationship though.