Appearances

[SeasideArms]

Just had massive row with DH and could do with some perspective!

It was all about how I dress/look.....

He says I don't make an effort, look mumsy, like I don't care. I think I do care, try to look smartish, but my usual outfits skinny jeans, stripes top, ankle boots, nice jacket. I know it doesn't set the world on fire, and I'm a size 18 so do need to lose weight.

He says he's being honest, wants me to look better for the sake of our relationship. I can see his point, but I think we have different ideas of what looks nice and I don't see why I should dress to please him.

It went on and on, but that's the general idea. It's also not the first time. I don't know what to think, I feel like my self esteem is on the floor.

Any advice?

[edwinbear]

What does he think you should wear? Does he want you to be dressed up in a tight dress/heels/full make up when you go to Sainsburys in the pissing rain? If so, I’d laugh in his face and tell him to fuck off.

[SBTLove]

And is he an adonis dressed to impress??

[SeasideArms]

Well, I kept asking what he thought I should wear and he couldn't really say.
I admit I'm not great at knowing what to wear, and don't have the budget for expensive clothes, but I do my hair, wear make up etc

He says if I gave him feedback on his appearance he'd act on it.... fact is he's often really scruffy!

[SeasideArms]

I told him I dress for me, not him, he said I should wear what he finds attractive

[SBTLove]

You sound well turned out to me.
How can he moan but give no suggestions?
Might have known he was a scruff, tell him to fuck off and sort himself out!

[Bananalanacake]

My mum would criticise what I wear, so I would say, well go to Marks and Spencers and buy me something you do want me to wear.

[TiggerDatter]

I think you need to dig a little deeper OP.

[lastqueenofscotland]

I just knew you were going to say he’s a scruff.
Tell him to fuck off

[FippertyGibbett]

Do you think he might be actually trying to say something about your weight without actually saying it ?
I have to say that it sounds like you dress smart, I’m in leggings and a top to cover my fat bum 🤣

[Mermaidwaves]

My ex H was like this OP, never liked how I looked, I should lose weight, dress differently. We separated last year and I now dress to please myself. He is now with a glamorous, skinny girl and still not happy, men like this are never happy it seems. Be you, you sound absolutely fine!

[SeasideArms]

@FippertyGibbett you could be right about the weight (he's also overweight). When I asked him who he thinks dresses nice he mentioned a friend of mine, who dresses pretty similar to me, but she is slim.

[SeasideArms]

@Mermaidwaves I hope you're happier now think this is my concern, whatever I do there will always be something else.
But he makes himself out to be the reasonable one and I'm the one who can't take any criticism. It messes with my head. Hence my post really, I'm so confused 😐

[ILoveYoga]

I think I might get flamed here but you need to have a discussion with your husband and also have another think about dressing only for yourself and not him. Every so often if you dress up for him, it makes an impression. Since I stopped working, I went from suits, hair/make up daily to yoga stuff, hair in pony tail and no make up. When I dress “up” - which jay just mean normal clothes, do hair and make up, I notice a difference in my husband. He appreciates that I made an effort.

Previous ouster suggested about going out to shop. Perhaps you both can go together and get an outfit for you he likes, as well as an outfit for him that you like. It would make a world of difference if you both made an effort for each other.

[Aquamarine1029]

It's not about your wardrobe, it's about your weight.

[Rockinmomma]

You said you had a massive row, so what was his approach to the subject?
I don’t think a DPs opinion on what you wear is a problem if said in a loving, constructive way but if he’s made you feel like shit and that you’re feelings don’t matter that’s not acceptable.
I love dressing nice but I do it for me

[candycane222]

Ugh, my dh finds me attractive whatever Im wearing. I dress up if we're'going out' but so does he. Otherwise he loves me for me, and would certainly never ever launch into a great long tellng off because he would not want me to feel bad about myself - because he loves me.

[ClementineWoolysocks]

@SeasideArms

I told him I dress for me, not him, he said I should wear what he finds attractive

he said I should wear what he finds attractive

Fuck that noise! You're not a dress-up doll.

[candycane222]

Clementine is 100% right. He deserves a massive telling off forr how he talks to you. Completely unacceptable.

[Rockinmomma]

That’s the comment that got me @ClementineWoolysocks
I had an ex say similar to me, boy did he get a mouthful!!!

[SeasideArms]

So mixed opinions really. I do think this is possibly more about my weight, but I'm still hurt. I would never speak to him like he spoke to me, and I wouldn't even think it to myself.
He has said he will buy me new clothes but part of me resists the idea of having him choose my whole wardrobe.

[SeasideArms]

@ClementineWoolysocks and @Rockinmomma, see that's the thing, I really don't think I should have to wear what he wants me to. But at the same time I appreciate in a relationship there is some give and take......

[Sparklfairy]

Tell him he needs to show willing and sort his scruffy self out first.

[IdblowJonSnow]

Sounds like an arse. Tell him to sod off.
I agree it's about your weight if he likes how your friend 'dresses' but she dresses like you!

[candycane222]

Its not acceptable to slag off your appearance and expect you to dress "for him". Eurgh. He can tell you he particularly likes a certain look or outfit, to make you feel extra loved and fancied. He is not entitled to tell you what to wear, or expect you to dress to please him. We shouldn't expect our children to dress to please us, most definitely we shouldn't expect another adult to.


Why do you think he wants you to feel bad about yourself? Because he obviously knows that is what is happening, and I can't see a good reason for it.

And exactly the same applies to your weight. That's none of his business either unless your health is in danger, in which case he makes an effort to help you and still doesn't have any right to scold you. Obviously.

[candycane222]

If your relationship depends on how you dress, what kind of a relationship is it?

"For the sake of our relationship" is a threatening and controlling thing to say.