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Does anyone else do this?

(4 Posts)
catalyst31 Fri 30-Oct-20 15:54:02

Hi, I am looking for a bit of reassurance here as im going through divorce. Its been a little less then 10 months since she left. We were married for 10 years and had 3 llittle ones, all under 8.

About 10 months ago, my wife came home and told me she didnt want to be with me anymore. That I was boring, unchallenging, didnt make her want to jump out of bed in the morning. Over the night of talking, she then "there are people i want to do things to and i dont want to do those things to you". She had started finding someone in Ldn attractive (she had started working in London part of the week 18months before)....that, when we did have sex, I didnt make it last long enough (we had been having sex once a month but she never really showed any interest in me for a long time)...that she found me embarrising around her parents ("You just cant see that they are not interested in what youve got to say yet you just carry on" ) . It also transpired (I discovered this out later) she had started using dating apps under a pseudoname and she had been on these for a few months. On the day I found this out, after walking to school with the children, I was told I needed to "stop acting so upset or people will think its a problem"...

A month after this conversation, when I had started acting (solicitors etc) she had decided she wanted to try again - she wanted to look for a new house, a new dog , counselling the works. This lastest about 4 weeks. When I tried to committ her to counselling, but she didnt want to go. When I asked her how her work in London was going, I was accused of not trusting her (I didnt at this point....I had jsut caught her on a dating app) Turns out, I was to find out later that she was still meeting this person in Ldn (she has consistently insisted nothing 'happened') and I later found out she was still using the app.

One day, I came home and found a voice message from a letting agent. I guessed she had decided to go afterall and confronted her. She left the family home 3 weeks later.

Now, after 9 months of counselling and speaking to friends, I started to learn alot. Turns out my parents and friends had been worried about me "for years" one example a friend said was "when you had depression, it felt like she just didnt step up...it felt like she just got on with her life and left you to fend for yourself". Anyway, the long and short of it is, after working with my counsellor, I have come to the conclusion that I had been emotionally neglected for several years, and emotionally abused in the final 6 months of our relationship (I am not wishing to give out details as to how I came to this conclusion, but its not something I say lightly) and that gaslighting was a prominent part of how I was treated for a long time.

However, despite knowing I was not treated well and I deserved better I here are times where I still blame myself for the marriage falling apart. Its heartbreaking not having my children around all the time - I really enjoy being a Dad (I still have them here in the family home most of the week, I would be what you might call the primary caregiver) ! Surely I could have done more? I read so much about men being emotionally unavaliable, yet it feels more like the situation was reversed.........maybe I didnt listen enough? Could I have ben better here, or there? Did I just let her done? ....etc etc. Its not all the time, but usually after she has had a moment of being nice to me.

Does anyone else does this? I know no one is perfect, but I really do feel I tried my best to be a good father and husband. I quit my job when she was unhappy at home, and took on being the stay at home dad so she could chase her dreams. But when we needed to earn I put on the hard hat and hustled. I honestly felt I gave 100% and it went alldown a big black hole. And despite having being treated pretty darn horrifically the last few years, and can see and know that, I still enter this cycle of self blame and frustration.

OP’s posts: |
IEat Fri 30-Oct-20 15:58:26

Sex is one way of undermining/hurting the other person when someone wants out if the relationship. Telling them they're shit, is guaranteed to make them feel awful.
Why hurt them - even if it's true), why not just say there's no longer feelings.

You need time to mourn the end of the relationship then find someone who appreciates you for who you are.

AryaStarkWolf Fri 30-Oct-20 16:02:00

Agree with @IEat you just need to mourn this relationship, going through that is the only way to come out the other side, it's healthy even though it feels like shit at the time. Hopefully this relationship will help you in future ones, to set yourself higher standards and to spot any red flags

Mikeymoo12 Fri 30-Oct-20 17:18:22

To be honest you sound well rid. I don't get this not been happy in a relationship so going on dating sites. The person should do the decent thing and end it. For now concentrate on recovering and healing and discovering how to be you again, you sound like all this has absolutely drained you and learn how to be happy

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