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Hes broke it off because I don't put out enough

(165 Posts)
Littlesparrow0 Fri 30-Oct-20 09:55:23

Long story short I've been with my partner 17 years and we've two small kids together under the age of 3. Our sex life hasn't been great since having them for a number of reasons. I just be so exhausted come bed time, my 3 yr old is full of energy and my 2 yr old is showing signs of autism according to pediatrician which I can also see myself. Each day is very hard work when I'm home alone with them. My 2 yr old can be hard work even on a good day. I never get stuff done during the day so once they go to bed I tidy up and get stuff in order for the following day and then spent an hr or two catching up and making time for my partner I never get a minute just to myself.
Yesterday I had a pretty exhausting day and my form just wasn't great, I was feeling pretty down. Last night was informing my partner that our 2 yr old has hospital appointment to have bloods taken as they want to check for genetic disorders in 2 weeks. He flipped at me and told me I wouldnt be taking her for them because of covid and to cancel the appointment. I just sat in silence while he was having a go at me (its what I do now because he's the type of man you cannot have a civilised conversation with)
He started telling me I was a bad mother because I'm putting our kids at risk of covid by bringing our child to the hospital fir these tests which he has made me cancel 3 times already. I cant see the pediatrician again until she has results of our child's blood work. Told him I would cancel again and explain why but he just continued to have a go.
In the end up i decided it was best just to leave the situation and go to bed couldnt take the put downs anymore and the fact that he has the final say on everything. Since I've had the kids I dont even feel like I'm a proper mum, I don't have a say on anything despite what he says.
Went to bed and he sent me a message saying thanks a lot. Shortly after he came upstairs raising his voice about how I never put out for him anymore said he could count on his one hand how many times we've done it since the kids have came along. That im not worth the hassle anymore, there's nothing special about me and he doesn't need me in his life. Cursed at me told me I was a cold hearted bitch because he has to ask for sex or oral etc. Just got really nasty with me.

If I'm being honest I've known for a while that this is a controlling relationship and since having the kids ive been isolated even more. Cant take my kids to my parents house, only to his parents and with covid at the min I'm not allowed to take them to the park or into a shop etc. We basically have no life whatsoever, so yes thats put a massive dampener on me finding him attractive anymore. I just can't cope with his behaviour anymore and how I'm expected to just give sex to him every night. Plus my body has changed massively since having the kids I feel disgusting and really unattractive and thats affecting my mood during sex too. I've explained all of this to him.
But its every single night he wants some action. Most times I just do it for an easy life even though I'm hating every min of it and when I dont do it he huffs and puffs and gives off that I dont pay him enough attention. Apparently sex is how you show a man how much you love and care for them!

So hes told me were finished and that I've to find another house for me and the kids. Some of the stuff he said to me has really upset me. So I'm now worried about how ill cope with two small kids and money and try and keep a roof over our heads, plus there really is nothing on the rental market where I live. There's about 40-50 applications per house when they come up. No idea what I'm going to do. Plus this relationship has really messed up my head and made me think really badly about myself. He has threw up stuff about my past etc which he knows really upsets me and now I'm basically just believing all he has said and that no one likes me or can trust me etc

My nerves are all over the place now this morning and the kids are going nuts on me. I just want to curl up in a ball and die

OP’s posts: |
Puppylover99 Fri 30-Oct-20 09:59:09

Hope your ok
This sounds awful for you
Can he not move out?
Failing that gonto your local council with 2 young kids they will home you as a priority

AbbieLexie Fri 30-Oct-20 10:00:19

LTB asap.Wiser people will answer this. But what do you get out of this relationship?
flowers Believe in yourself. angry angry at him for treating you and the children like this.

GemSmith738 Fri 30-Oct-20 10:02:46

Hi, really sorry to hear about your situation, I would take this opportunity to get out and take your kids, could you go to your parents? Your DC's tests need to go ahead, you are lucky to be offered tests during these times, it shows they feel it's a priority.

It sounds like you are way better off without your partner. You are amazing for having two DC and trying to care for them. 💕

PlanDeRaccordement Fri 30-Oct-20 10:05:14

I know you feel like nothing but it’s all because this man has torn you down bit by bit over the years. It may seem bad, but him opening the door of your prison is an opportunity in disguise. You need to leave him and take the children with you. It’s hard at first, but once you are settled you’ll be much happier and can rebuild your sense of self worth.
I think Women’s Aid could help you do this. There is also citizens advice. Give them a call. They’ll guide through getting a roof over your head, any benefits, etc.

Disfordarkchocolate Fri 30-Oct-20 10:05:53

What you need to hold on to is that in the long run you will all be better off without him. The next year or two may be hard financially and emotionally but the alternatives are awful: no diagnosis and support for your child, children following the patterns of what they have seen and ending up with abusive partners etc.

You can do this, people will come to this thread and offer all the advice and support you need. Take care.

CodenameVillanelle Fri 30-Oct-20 10:07:55

What a relief!
This is the first day of your much better life flowers

MeanMrMustardSeed Fri 30-Oct-20 10:10:18

He’s absolutely doing you a favour. Thank him for making this easier for you and move on. Best of luck with your DCs testing.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince Fri 30-Oct-20 10:11:37

Is the house owned or rented?

Littlesparrow0 Fri 30-Oct-20 10:15:32

Thankyou for the comments.. Im just so scared. My stomach is in knots. Its our sons birthday on Sunday so I'm heartbroken. Of course I'll be told its all my fault and I'm the one that ruined it. Im scared of things hes gonna say to other people etc. He slowly got rid of any friends I had throughout the years so I've no idea how ill make new ones with having two small kids and with what he will say about me. Hes told me before certain people who I thought liked me told him he was too good for me and he should get away im bad news etc... And I believe it. Hes making me feel like I'm the entire reason our relationship isn't working out. I just feel so sick right now

OP’s posts: |
Littlesparrow0 Fri 30-Oct-20 10:16:15

its rented through the council we are both on the tenancy

OP’s posts: |
TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince Fri 30-Oct-20 10:21:41

He needs to go not you. You have the right to remain there with the children

pointythings Fri 30-Oct-20 10:23:51

If you are both on the tenancy, he cannot make you leave. So don't worry about that. Please contact Women's Aid and get some support - this is an abusive relationship. Let him dump you, you do not need this man in your life.

JeanneFrench Fri 30-Oct-20 10:26:57

You're not a bad mother, OP.

Please contact Women's Aid. Good luck.

FreeAcorns Fri 30-Oct-20 10:28:20

Well if it's over, fuck his rules. Get the kids ready and head to the park - a good run about will do them and you the world of good. Then go to your parents, assuming they are nice/supportive, and tell them what he's doing. Hopefully they can offer you some support. Don't cancel any appointments. Just keep doing what you know is right. And I would make it very clear to everyone I knew that he's basically kicking his kids out. Father of the fucking year there, isn't he. Don't take his shit anymore OP. He's said it's over - good! Start living your life and moving on. He sounds like an awful person and I doubt you'll miss him once he's gone.

Purplewithred Fri 30-Oct-20 10:28:52

Once you are shot of him life will improve massively. I assume he has no interest in taking responsibility for the children?

Phone the council and tell them you are splitting up and have two small children.

Also check out ‘coercive control’ on the Women’s Aid website. It’s a form of domestic abuse and is a criminal offence. Give them a ring for support.

Littlesparrow0 Fri 30-Oct-20 10:31:11

I genuinely believe throughout the years the stuff he has said to me. I really do feel as if other people really dislike me. Hes made me question when I've been "over friendly" with other men we know just by saying hello or a wave. Im expected not to speak to them because I flirt! Just so much stuff has been said to me over the last while and so much dragged up that I'm at rock bottom. I dont think ill ever believe anything different

OP’s posts: |
WitsEnding Fri 30-Oct-20 10:31:45

Another voice saying don’t leave, and don’t let him stay. Get support, he has to leave. What’s he going to say to people - that he kept coercing you into sex when you didn’t feel like it?

It will be much easier to make friends without that waste of space controlling all your interactions.

Mallemo Fri 30-Oct-20 10:38:26

Good luck OP, you can do this!

Bunnymumy Fri 30-Oct-20 10:40:42

He is a disgusting human being.

It's really common for abusers (which is what he is) to tell you 'everyone' feels a certain way about you. They want to make you feel alone.

I wouldn't be surprised if he 'changes his mind'. This whole recent act smacks of him trying to put you back in line. He is trying to break your spirit so be can continue to treat you like shit and know you'll take it. Get shot of him, fast. While he still thinks its his idea.

He is a miserable bully and in sorry but, he hates you. Believe it. Protect yourself. Protect your kids from seeing their mother being abused. It has nothing to do with sex. He wants to control you.

Speak with womens aid. And a solicitor about the house. You and the kids really shouldnt have to leave the family home. But if he wont, leaving it is a small price to pay to escape tyranny.

Amanda87 Fri 30-Oct-20 10:44:42

Dear OP,
I'm very sorry you have to go through all of that, specially with 2 young children. I have to, however, look at the bright side and I can say that this is definitely for the best. This person doesn't sound like a man and you should be happy you're getting rid of him.
I would not move out though. He can't kick you and your children out, any court would decide on your favor.

Ilovethewild Fri 30-Oct-20 10:45:39

Op please speak to your council. You should not be leaving. He should. The council will have people who can help you separate from him and keep your home for the kids.

Contact them right away, be honest with them. You want to leave him , you need somewhere to go.

Good luck
Mince you get out you will be much better. You will meet friends at kids school/nursery/playground etc

Nomnomcheesecake Fri 30-Oct-20 10:45:40

The children and the primary caregiver of the children ( being you ) stay in the house ! HE is the one that needs to go . Honestly he sounds like an abusive prick . You can’t see it now but happier days are coming and you will one day realise he is doing you a massive favour

madcatladyforever Fri 30-Oct-20 10:45:46

You might be worrying now but my God your life will be a million times better without this utter price in it.
Make him bloody leave he's the one who wants to split up so he can find another house.
Never have set with him again. Your life starts now. Whatever its like it will be better than this I promise you.

Ilovethewild Fri 30-Oct-20 10:45:58

Once not mince! 😂

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