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Silent Treatment(16 Posts)
My fiance of 13 years keeps letting me down on the really big stuff - marriage, money, trust, communication. He just refuses to talk to me, he walks away, stays away and he just want enter into any conversation about our life together. His ability to ignore me goes on for days and days and is accommpanied by a sense of great resentment and seething anger. He is never violent but I feel, so deeply neglected and my sense of selfworth so undermined that I fear I may become invisible. We do have some shared financial interests but when I try and discuss these and am within my rights to have these conversations he says I am showing my true colours......again that feels very undermining and gives him some sort of reason to not enter into the conversation. I have truly lived these years knowing that paying attention to your partner fosters love, but its a one way street. Intimacy in all areas no longer exists. I am struggling to accept the truth?
It sounds like your relationship has come to a natural end to be honest. What is your living situation?
Do you have enough money to move out and live on your own. I had a bf like this who kept saying ,"we will sort something out" when I asked about meeting his family, I never did which is why he's an ex, thank God I never lived with him. Men like this avoid commitment or talking about it.
Your fiancé of 13 years...?
It's never going to happen. You are flogging a dead horse, time to move on.
"I feel, so deeply neglected and my sense of selfworth so undermined that I fear I may become invisible."
This is truly awful. You need to end the "relationship".
Silent Treatment is an abuse tactic.
Read the Lundy book "why does he do that?"
Please end the relationship and shared financial interests you deserve so so so much better! Don't waste anymore of your life with him treating you like this grinding you down.
I'm sorry op but as others have suggested that this is a dead end. Fiancé for 13 years? This is a dead end op and it's time for you to move on and know your self worth. You deserve so much better and shouldn't waste anymore precious seconds with this emotionally unavailable person who has been stringing you along. Cut ties op, move on, you can do so much better than this!
I ended my 17 year relationship (12 yr married) for similar reasons. Ex husband was a sulker, kept financial problems from me and had no interest in me physically or emotionally. I finally snapped after the most diabolical 40th birthday and ended it. There have been some really difficult times over the 2 years since but not once have I regretted my decision. I believe that once a man is grown and emotionally formed it is nigh on impossible to change his responses. My ex continues to demonstrate emotionally damaging behaviour to our daughter (he's effectively cut her out if his life at 17). I'm just incredibly thankful that I'm no longer married to him. The relief is immense
Silent treatment is a form of abuse. Saying things like "you're showing your true colours" is a form of gaslighting and a deflection of his own behavour. He sounds truly horrible.
It has not come to a 'natural end' as someone suggested. He is abusing you and generally treating you like shit.
You deserve better. You've already given him 13 years, don't give him any more.
Sorry but you could book to get married and get it done very quickly if you both wanted to, so what's with the 13 year engagement?
My ex was like this. We got engaged (possibly to shut me up) but then three years down the line he was still saying he wanted to save for the wedding .. I don't know what he had in mind but flipping heck.
He just had no intention of actually getting married.
This was me a couple of years ago. It's not that he beat me but we were kept in difficult conditions, very little heating, dodgy electrics etc. He had literally thousands in the bank and could have sorted things easily. All this with 2 small children, one of which is ASC.
We were engaged and he dangled the marriage carrot for years. He was impossible to talk to and emotionally closed and I was expected to put up and shut up.
Eventually an event happened that made me realise he didn't want someone to love and cherish, he wanted someone to hate and abuse.
There is a life out there waiting for you either on your own with your self worth intact or with someone who cares.
This is emotional abuse designed to control you. You wont push the issues because you do not want the fall out.
See a solicitor about the shared assets before you show him your cards.
But youre right, it is absolutely right to leave. He is stealing your life.
Thankyou for all your responses they do confirm what I know to be true but am struggling to fully acknowledge - Here is a bit more information regarding my situation?
i live in his house, which i have made a home - I pay for the water, the internet (in his name) buy all the food, do the cleaning, cooking, shopping, washing etc. I recently turned down a well paid job because he said he doubted if I could manage the hours, so I doubted mtself also. I currently work part time for a charity. we own a warehouse between us, well i own 16% and am not consulted on the fact that he rents it back to himself at a reduced rate - his friend even lives in it and pays him rent?
1. Get the best job you can
2. Save save save
3. "Fail to get round to" the cooking/cleaning / shopping to a large extent "oh I'm sorry just fix yourself beans on toast dear"
4. Move out
Assuming you legally own that bit of the warehouse then maybe see a solicitor to find the best way forward there
5. Live your best life
Sounds like you're an onlooker in your own life. Why so passive?
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