Failed marriage

[MommaCNBS]

My husband of 21 years decided he want to pack up and leave because he was miserable. We married as teens and have 4 kids (3 older 1 toddler). I’ve also been miserable for years but planned on living that way forever to keep my family together. We had absolutely no communication in our relationship and we see that now. Anyhow, he left and I went from being a SAHM (our whole marriage) to getting a couple of jobs and moved on with life. After a couple of months He has decided he would like to come back home. I can’t tell if he’s being genuine or if he just wants the comfort of his home (where everything is done for him) and sex. I do love him but he was really hard to live with. His way or no way. Only his opinion mattered. If yours differed, you were wrong. So, while he has been gone one of my kids came out to me as being gay (I’ve known for years) and my husband is totally against that “life style”. My child will not tell him and neither will I, as it’s not my place. So now I feel stuck between them. I feel like I can no longer work on my marriage because I know he wouldn’t be accepting to our child. Someone please give me advice! I don’t know where to go from here. What would you do?

[SBTLove]

You’ve been miserable for years, he’s controlling and intolerant, why would you even consider taking him back.
Your DC come first, not this bully.

[user1481840227]

Why the hell do you even want to work on the marriage?
You were free of it and it sounds like it was awful.
You shouldn't be stuck in the middle between him and your child either, your child should come first.

[katy1213]

It sounds like you're doing just fine without him.

[Coffeecak3]

Why would you go back to being miserable?
Only you can decide but think carefully as your dh doesn't seem very nice and eventually he will find out that his ds is gay.
I couldn't live with a homophobe.

[MommaCNBS]

I just need reassurance that I’m doing what’s right. I’m bitter because he was playing games. He has pretty much admitted to leaving just to get a rise out of me. For me to beg him to stay but that didn’t happen. It was probably instant regret on his part. I guess I wanted to work on it because he’s all I’ve ever known. I was 17 when we married. He does have a lot of issues due to military deployments and he lost his mom last year. In a way I feel bad! I had truly planned on slowly working on it until my child came to me. Now I feel there is no way we would work because I know he wouldn’t accept our child. I love unconditionally whereas he loves conditionally.

[Onyourway]

You've managed to get a couple of jobs, you've shared a really important moment with one of your children and it sounds like you are happier. I don't think you should have him back. You were both miserable and not communicating, there's no reason why that would change, especially if he believes being gay is a 'lifestyle'.

Please don't go back, not only for your child's sake but for yours too.

[CodenameVillanelle]

Obviously you shouldn't get back with someone you don't like who doesn't like you and who is homophobic towards your child.
Staying married for the kids when you're both miserable is never the right thing to do.

[Dery]

“Obviously you shouldn't get back with someone you don't like who doesn't like you and who is homophobic towards your child.
Staying married for the kids when you're both miserable is never the right thing to do.”

This. Remember your marriage sets an example for your DCs. You don’t want them to grow up thinking it’s normal for parents to be miserable and not communicate and for fathers to have their way all the time and mothers to put up with it. You’ve done so well - he pulled a stunt - you got him gone. For the love of God, don’t let him back.

[Puppylover99]

Please don’t let him back i have done the same it’s good at first then they always go back to their own ways.
It sounds like your children are happier and more relaxed without him, yourself too.

[litterbird]

You will be happier without him, you have already proved that. Stay away from him, support your wonderful gay son who took the brave step to tell you. Nurture your new jobs, yourself and your children.......away from him. You will fly high when he is truly gone....trust me.

[TwilightSkies]

Move on.
You were both miserable. Do you think the relationship would magically become healthy and happy if he came back? No, it would be the same misery again. Him dominating and controlling, you meekly going along with it.

Show your children it’s ok to be on your own, that it’s better to be single than miserable. Independence is healthy.

Also, don’t let a homophobe back into your house when your gay child is living there. Recipe for disaster....

[RuffleCrow]

Put your child first.

I think the phrase "failed marriage" is very old fashioned and stigmatising. And likely to put pressure on you to go back to him. What if you were to replaced it with a phrase like "successful personal growth"?! You grew up and realised you were incompatible. That's normal. You say you love him, but is it more than just habit? Do you actually love his character? Do you love it enough to spend the rest of your life with him? The fact that you were so miserable suggests not.

[HollowTalk]

You've had such a narrow escape and have done so well. Why on earth would you want this man back in your life when you know he'll cause you all to be miserable?

[pallasathena]

Stop pleasing others and put yourself and your child first. As women, we're socialised into living miserable lives with difficult men.
Break out OP!

[havecourage]

I'm 3 and a half years out of a so called failed marriage. The first 2 years were very difficult and life can be still hard and lonely at times as I am raising my daughter on my own. That said I'm very glad to be out of my marriage, if you offered me a million pounds I wouldn't go back. I feel I've learnt and grown from the experience and feel free. I would advise you to persevere during this messy and difficult time. In the long term you and your children will be so much better off for not living in an unhappy household. ♥️

[Bookaholic73]

Why on earth you’d want to be with someone who left you just to a get ‘a rise’ out of you is beyond me!

[BrowncoatWaffles]

Please don't get back with him. This is your chance to have a happy life. It'll be unfamiliar for a while but eventually being able to please yourself and live happily will feel wonderful.

[AugieMarch]

Don’t take him back. He will do this to you again when you’ve wasted more years on this terrible relationship and caused immeasurable damage to your relationship with your child. You will all be better in the short and long term without him.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
What was life like at home for you?.

You married this person at 17 when you had no real life experience behind you. How old is he compared to you?. He targeted you OP, that I have no doubt of at all. He by leaving allowed you to escape from an abusive relationship and it is really not one you should at all go back to. If you did, you and in turn your children would be in for more of the same from him. Your comments re him having issues due to his military service tours and loss of his mother are making excuses for the inexcusable i.e. his abuses of you and in turn your children. There is no marriage to work on; its over anyway and was in any case because of his abuses of you and in turn your kids.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. That is what he wanted then and this is what he wants now. He lost his control over you by leaving you and now he wants it back.

I would urge you to look at the Freedom Programme; it can be done online and I would also suggest you have counselling to unlearn all the crap you have learnt about relationships to date. I would also read about codependency in relationships and see how much of that state reflects your own behaviours.

[ILoveYoga]

I think your title actually is very telling and honest

You were miserable for years

Your husband was miserable

You had no communication

He was controlling

He doesn't actually have a loving and respectful relationship with your kids if you’re both afraid to tell him that one of your children are gay as your husband won’t accept that

He packed up and left you

This is altogether signs of a failed marriage. Acknowledge that

Acknowledge that you were then able to go out and work. You managed in your own. Your child felt lived and secure in your relationship with them to come out to you

These are the positives that have come out if your failed marriage

Time to move on

[Nailgirl]

Really? Read your post and imagine it was your son / daughter saying these things -what would you tell them. Move on and don't look back ever.

[frazzledasarock]

You were miserable married.

Are you unhappy in your current situation?

Why would you go back to the miserable marriage with the added burden of being skivvy to someone who is not nice to you or your children?

One of the best things for me when I got divorced, was that I could shut the door on the world, and my small house was my sanctuary, I finally did not have to walk on eggshells and spend my waking hours wishing ex would go to work so I could get some relief.

It is your life, you decide whether you want to regress to how life was before your ex walked out. Or whether you want to go onwards and make a happier life for yourself.

[pointythings]

Don't have him back. You've built a life for yourself and your DC without him, your DC are confident enough to come out to you, you know he's going to kick off about that. Why would you go back to walking on eggshells and living in misery? He made his choice, now he has to live with the consequences. You don't have a 'failed marriage', you have a 'successful escape'.

[MommaCNBS]

A big thank you to each and every one of you. I haven’t really talked to anyone about all this so I’ve been left with my own thoughts pondering and thinking for what seems like forever. I know it has to be a sign that I didn’t fight it when he left and after the initial hit kinda didn’t even care. After 21 years you would think I would have done more.

PS: I know someone asked, we are close to the same age. I was 17 when we married, he was 18.

[SandyY2K]

It's so telling that your child was only able to come out when your H left.

They must have been finding it so hard to not be themselves. It's so hard to live like that.
His leaving was an absolute blessing.

Keep it that way and don't have him back. You've managed fine without him and I just love that you didn't beg him...I wish more women would do that, rather than letting themselves be treated like crap.

You've got this. Stay strong.