Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

[Pollydaydream]

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

[seensome]

I think she might be an ex from years ago which may explain why he doesn't want you worry you and that she wasn't there for the wedding etc or to even mention her incase you wouldn't like it. Perhaps he does still fancy her a bit ( the bikini comment he made)
I'm not sure I would like a secret friendship I don't think that's normal especially daily contact sorry.

[fortsalem]

We need to know who it is first

[Pollydaydream]

Thank you both. The ex comment would make sense, they could have dated in school I suppose. Would explain a lot.

Haha I can't name her in case I'm being paranoid here, but it's someone with a wholesome reputation not a Katy Price type.

[Sakurami]

I would be a bit weirded out that he hasn't told you especially as she's famous, even though there's obviously nothing going on.

I would ask him why he's never mentioned her.

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

Sounds harmless. And I am very very cynical. She's possibly an ex or if she's famous he's protecting her privacy. Or maybe she's more of an online friend now - not Christmas card, meeting up level friend.

[ReneeRol]

They've spoken every day for a year and he's never mentioned that to you once. You should ask him why. I'd assume the why is because he's hoping that something more will come of it.

[Cinders1234]

That’s too much contact for you to just not mention, I think your going to have to admit you’ve seen it all and ask what’s going on! Dying to know who it is dammit xxx

[Onxob]

How can it be a lovely supportive harmless friendship etc etc when he clearly fancies her? If my husband said "well I won't be complaining" about bikini shots of another woman I'd feel a bit sick. That's really inappropriate and disrespectful to you.

Obviously you're going to have to confront him. How famous are we talking? Very, very strange that he's kept this from you.

[MMmomDD]

How about you set up an Instagram or FB account yourself and follow/friend him.
Then you can legitimately ask - saw you liking/commenting on XYZ’s account - do you know her?
Then see what he says.

[BlueThistles]

Every day for a year ... he has spoken to this woman and never mentioned her once...

nothing suggestive so why hide it? 🌺

[MsDogLady]

I would be uncomfortable with his secretive, over-frequent, over-familiar interaction with this woman. It sounds like they’ve been building emotional intimacy, as their chat runs the gamut from the mundane to flirty, playful, and supportive.

She is obviously important to him, yet he has hidden their relationship from you. Do you feature in their conversations? Does he mention you?

I would ask for an explanation asap.

[PopsicleHustler]

I wouldn't be impressed if my husband had a female friend, who he talked with all day every day and I never had no idea who she was. To me that is extremely secretive and ridiculous. My husband knows pretty much all my friends. Although I dont have many any more sadly

[lilmishap]

Id expect to be told if he knew someone famous. For chit chat reasons

[Nicolastuffedone]

Does he know from simply following her on Instagram? Could he have known her from school for example? Is she really likely to have been an ex? Why wouldn’t he have mentioned her before now? Surely it would’ve come up before now if she was, in a ‘claim to fame’ kind of way. Why would he be in secret contact EVERY DAY with a famous person and never mention it? All very strange......

[glassshoes]

I would be unhappy with this too. Its the fact that he is contacting her daily and has kept this secret from you. In fact, he must be actively concealing this from you if in all this time he has never messaged her when you are sitting beside him etc. These thoughts do make me think of am emotional affair already tbh, sorry OP.

[Ellovera2]

Imagine if you were messaging a man every day for a year about everything in your life and not telling your HB. Would you feel it was inappropriate?
One message occasionally, maybe, but every day?
Also I think if I were him I'd be saying 'Did I ever tell you I went to school with x? She's reconnected with me how crazy now she's famous, wouldn't it be nice to all meet up...'

[Pollydaydream]

Thank you everyone.

Yes I find it odd he's never mentioned it, not even for gossip. They reminisce a lot and she fills him in on what their friends are up to (she still lives in the general area they grew up in, he moved). I'm annoyed I couldn't see what the photos were he had reacted to on her stories, all I could see were there fire and shocked emojis.

I almost feel like I would feel better if there was something explicit in it because at least that would confirm things. It's one big grey area. On the face of it it looks like he only messages her when I'm not there, but I could be wrong. I was mentioned a couple of times but only in a practical sense like saying I was at work or what we were up to that day.

It's just weird.

[Nothavingfunrightnow]

I would not be happy about this at all.

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

Ok so I must admit I missed the bit about every day. And the fire (oh you're so hot) and shocked emojis (oh that's so racy I love it) would piss me off. Clearly he has a massive crush on her and if she decides to ditch her hubby and tell him he is in he would be there.

I would start to follow her - you have to request it of course but if she denies your request it's pretty suspect. Presumably she knows your name. She will then tell him of course and he will then start acting oddly starting with getting angry at his 'invasion of privacy' at which point you play dumb and make up a good story.

Then you ask him why it's an invasion. What's been going on? Have they been in contact?

Why are men so fucking stupid. Hanging on to a crush on his dream woman all those years - hows that supposed to work with you? I would ask him that actually. "How is that supposed to be ok for me? Would you want to be someone's second choice, the one they settled for?"

Chatting once every few weeks or month and liking pics of her cat = fine. Chatting every single day, not mentioning you and doing the whole fire emoji thing = a massive, public crush on her. Fucking humiliating if you ask me.

[Mustbe3ormorecharacters]

I think the bikini comment was over the line but since they have talked so much and it hasn’t been sexual I wouldn’t mind.
I have been friends with someone for 15 years and they are now starring in major movies. I don’t tell people I know them, people get really weird and sometimes inappropriate. I’m not saying you would have been but that could be why he didn’t tell you in the first place.
I don’t think he’s done anything wrong other than the bikini comment but you should definitely have a think about how you feel and then talk to him about it.

[BuffayTheVampireLayer]

I wouldn't like this. It's the frequency, deceit and the fact he clearly finds her hot that I'd have a problem with. I'd confront him.

[EpochTime]

This is a friendship which has been kept secret from you.
This is unacceptable behaviour.

[Pollydaydream]

Thank you all for your input. I feel like I need to look through his messages again but haven't had the chance yet 🙄 It is hard because I don't understand why he hasn't hit on her if he is interested and vice versa so the fact they haven't might mean it is innocent? But he messages her on shift and confides when he's stressed or having a bad day, which feels more intimate. I saw a few messages were she thanked him for listening to her and treating her like a normal person, it's like they have this special secret codependency. I just don't know. Our relationship is the first and only for both of us and I don't know if she's the one that got away.

[Bluntness100]

Id be more curious he’s friends with someone famous. As they live three hundred miles apart they clearly aren’t shagging. Other than the throwaway bikini comment it seems they are just on line friends now with a shared history.

So on one side it’s curious he never mentioned it. On the other you totally invaded his privacy by searching his phone like that.

Are you thr jealous type? I’d wonder if he didn’t tell you in case you would be jealous and thought more of it than just mates.

[Pollydaydream]

Hi, I am not the jealous type, I'm just rattled about this. His friend is beautiful but I look after myself too. Its just gotten me that they talk like they're married, every day asking how their day went, confiding in one another. They make each other laugh and it has just made me uncomfortable. As I say, I might be making more out of it than necessary, it has just gotten to me because it feels like a grey area.