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(194 Posts)
Smallprint12 Thu 29-Oct-20 17:43:13

I know I made a big mistake and will accept all blame hopefully not too horrible
Early this year I started a new job, on my 1st day I met another new member of staff. As two newbies we spent time together which developed into an affair. He is much more senior (4x my senior)than me and very much older . He is 50 whilst I'm 26. I never really questioned his home life but this continued with no complications. I just thought eventually it would die down and we would move on or part ways. We are now wfh and recently I was going to my parents for my mums small birthday dinner. I invited him and we had a great day. My mum however disapproved of the age difference (didn't tell her everything) . I realised she was right and I did not want to be with this man anymore. I should never have been with him in the 1st place. I decided to cool things, no texts no emails no calls. He kept pushing asking to come to my house. I resisted. I work on site once a week and last week when I went he was there. We had a discussion and I sort of said I wanted to meet someone and hopefully settle. Not with him obviously, in fact when I look at him now I see how old he is. He is my parents age group. Anyway he offered to leave his wife, obviously I said no. I want children and he would be too old by then. My family would also hate him due to how we met.
He is now threatening to walk out and come to my home.He says he has been unhappy at home blah blah.He thinks the reason I don't want to continue because he is married and if he left her it will be okay. I think if he left he would ruin his reputation and i would probably have to leave my job. My reason is its not right, he is old and I should find someone my own ageHe is accusing me of being cruel. Should I look for a new job.

OP’s posts: |
EvenMoreFuriousVexation Thu 29-Oct-20 17:46:21


FelicityPike Thu 29-Oct-20 17:47:37

Yes you should.

Mydogmylife Thu 29-Oct-20 17:53:54

Not only should you look for a new job you should have a wee look around for a moral code! I appreciate that you are not the one that is cheating here , but your total lack of thought for your behaviour is really telling- it's his age that seems to be bothering you, not the fact he's married - poor show

MikeUniformMike Thu 29-Oct-20 17:54:06

Well done.

RandomMess Thu 29-Oct-20 17:54:56

I would but I would also remind him that as 4 x your senior at work he may lose his job if HR find out. You are not contemporaries in age or seniority...

Smallprint12 Thu 29-Oct-20 18:36:25

Thank you all, I absolutely 💯 know I messed up. I will start looking for a new job shouldn't take too long. If I reported to hr it would cause many problems for him (his job depends on good behaviour). I do not want to have to do this . I'm just getting fed up of him trying to emotionally blackmail me. Im getting so many texts emails and calls. I doubt he realises what he would lose in terms of family, respect etc. Time to change job

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Thu 29-Oct-20 18:42:59

Just ask him

"What do you think would happen if I reported this as harassment to HR?"

May stop him in his tracks!

MikeUniformMike Thu 29-Oct-20 18:48:09

Block his number. Block his e-mail address. Block him on all SM.
Have no contact with him.
You made a mistake, as did he.

PicsInRed Thu 29-Oct-20 18:56:00

I would find a new job, stop engaging in adulterous relstionships, and also closely examine what family dynamics may have led you down this path. It's very unusual to sour on someone so suddenly, simply because your mother isn't huge on them.

LilyLongJohn Thu 29-Oct-20 18:59:18

Just email him and tell him if he continues to harass you, you'll report him to hr and the police. Then block him on everything and get a new job.

Jayaywhynot Thu 29-Oct-20 20:13:11

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Jayaywhynot Thu 29-Oct-20 20:14:07

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WatieKatie Thu 29-Oct-20 20:22:44

@Jayaywhynot I absolutely agree.

OP you need to take responsibility for your actions. Let’s hope when you’re married your husband doesn’t do this to you.

madcatladyforever Thu 29-Oct-20 20:29:11

You've made a very silly mistake but you are in your 20s and we all make mistakes at that age but this man is truly awful. He is just such a walking cliche. He is trying to stalk and bully you into a relationship.
I suggest email or text him to say he's too old for you. You don't want to be with a pensioner in a few years time when you are still young and you want to settle with someone your own age. Be mean, you don't need to put up withis bullshit and if he continues to harass you report him.

DefinitelyPossiblyMaybe Thu 29-Oct-20 20:37:33

Going against the grain here, but if you like your new job and want to stick with it then stand your ground. He needs to leave if he can't deal with it. I would warn him that if he continues to harass you, you will report him to HR. You've been stupid and hopefully you have learned a lesson. You will learn from this and mature, he's twice your age and obviously hasn't matured at all.

Smallprint12 Thu 29-Oct-20 20:47:35

I'm taking everything on board, I have much sympathy for the wife believe me, I do not know how I can make it right. That's why I don't want him to leave. Its almost as if he has lost his mind. I never wanted anything serious. I have blocked him from my phone but I cannot on work mobile or work emails . Unfortunately I have to discuss things with him verbal or email and he makes the final decisions (think of MDT). I am putting my CV out and hope to leave ASAP. I do not want to cause trouble at work so will try and keep contact at minimum. If he turns up at my home I will ask for my keys back and refuse to let him in. My friend thinks I should ask his friend or sister (never spoken to her but know where she lives)to put some sense into him. I have tried to make him see how much he would stand to lose but he just say as long as he is happy. I regret everything.

OP’s posts: |
Smallprint12 Thu 29-Oct-20 20:53:06

I actually like my job, team is lovely, im treated well. My mistake was as a new person I thought let me stick with another. I cannot think of any other way other than
to leave.

OP’s posts: |
Whatisthisfuckery Thu 29-Oct-20 21:12:31

I understand how upsetting it must be for PPs on here whose husbands have done the dirty on them, but all these responses depress the hell out of me. he is a 50 year old married man in a senior position, he is responsible for upholding all those roles, not the OP. All this dirty little temptress lead him astray nonsense is bullshit. There’s a reason why some married people cheat, and that’s because they’re cheating bastards. I’m sure we’ve all had a little look elsewhere when we’ve been in a relationship, noticed people we quite fancy, but those of us who aren’t cheating arseholes don’t cheat.

OP why should you leave your job when he gets to keep his? He’s the married man with a seniority that demands good behaviour. He has not upheld any of that, so why should he keep it. His poor wife deserves to realise her H is a scumbag, hard as it may be. Better that than her thinking he’s a decent man while he’s in another woman’s bed.

Do as another PP has suggested and email or text him saying if he doesn’t stop contacting you you’ll go to HR. Screenshot all your communications to date and if he carries on do it. You might have to leave, but why should it only be you who has to leave. How many women will he do this to if he gets away with it this time? You don’t think you’re the first do you?

I bet he does this everywhere he goes, and I bet other women have been harassed by him and had to jack in perfectly good jobs because he’s a nasty little predator who uses his seniority to bully women.

Shizzlestix Thu 29-Oct-20 23:16:39

I’d stay, why should you have to find a new job? Tell him you’ll talk to HR if he continues to harass you. It’s over, he needs to accept it and move on.

ReneeRol Fri 30-Oct-20 00:25:57

He should know better than to put you in this situation. He's much older and in a position of power over you at work. His behaviour is inappropriate and unprofessional.

Block his number. If he turns up at your home, don't answer, call the police if he refuses to leave.

I would tell him that if his behaviour continues you'll report him to HR for sexual harrassment. You'll have all the evidence you need from any text messages etc so he knows he won't be able to deny it. If the threat doesn't put manners on him, report him.

Smallprint12 Fri 30-Oct-20 18:33:25

Thanks everyone, I had a chat with my team leader, initially I was going to ask if she can speak to him but I chickened and ended up saying I was going to leave. I just said I needed to work near home. So this means I have to resign soon. I have ignored his calls on work phone. He sent me an email saying to give him closure and agree to continue the affair till December then part ways. He said if I agreed he promises he will leave me alone in December. His reasoning is 2 months for goodbyes.He said just leaving him like this is cruel and even his family are suffering because of his mood. I have been strong so far but am now feeling guilty. I absolutely do not want to sleep with him again but might agree to a friendship till December

OP’s posts: |
MikeUniformMike Fri 30-Oct-20 18:37:48

Block him. He is guilt tripping you into friendship and he'll guilt trip you into your knickers.
Bin him and don't shit on your own doorstep in future.

ReneeRol Fri 30-Oct-20 18:39:10

Stop! This man is an abusive creep to try to guilt trip and harass you into continuing a relationship he knows you don't want. His behaviour is so far over the line, your employer needs to know.

Tell your team leader and hr why you feel you're being harassed to leave so as to avoid his stalking and harrassment. Forward his emails and messages as evidence if you have to.

Don't leave and let him stay to prey on the next young woman that replaces you. Your employer will want to know this before he puts them in a position where they get sued.

nowishtofly Fri 30-Oct-20 18:49:11

Send him an email saying that it's over and any further communication on work channels will be reported to HR and you will raise a grievance, don't be his 'friend' to keep him happy.

I agree with others that you don't seem focused on your role as a home wrecker- but I also see that you are young and it seems he is perhaps able manipulate you, you shouldn't have to leave your job because of him. Start telling people the truth. Don't resign unless you have something to go to.

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