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Fling with boss - what to do?

(91 Posts)
Vicki8314 Wed 28-Oct-20 21:42:37

I know this looks bad and I accept all the criticism but I really need some advice as I'm totally screwed up by this. So a year ago my boss, who is a sales director, made a move on me. I'm far lower than him in the company hierarchy so it was a total surprise. We are both married and I was very hesitant at first but then we started having a fling. We have never slept together but have had a few kisses, and a lot of chatting by text. I've had a lot of up and down moments with it, telling him we have to stop and he would respect that , then I would contact him again when I missed our chats etc...we obviously didn't see eachother over lockdown but chatted a lot. Then things got bad in the company, a lot of reduncies announced that he was dealing with and I felt like he just cut me off for a while. My job was at risk too. I called him up on it a few times, sending him outburst messages why he wasn't calling me anymore and his excuse was he was always busy. I knew this was a total turn around as it only takes a few seconds to msg someone but he just kept quiet and I felt like he was starting to ghost me. Last week he called me about work and he's managed to save my job by arranging another one. I think he's done it a bit roundabout and I'm surprised as I thought he had the perfect opportunity to get rid of me if he had started ghosting me. Now I might get the opportunity to work for him again I'm not sure if I want to with all this unresolved. He is now very formal with me and every time in the last few months when I've asked him to be honest with me he's avoided it. Now I feel like saying I can't have the job unless we resolve this as I can't work in this kind of situation. What should I do? I don't understand why he has tried to save my job but now remains so formal with me as if the past year never happened?

OP’s posts: |
AllsortsofAwkward Wed 28-Oct-20 21:46:48

Sounds like he got bored as things didn't progress to a full blown fling like he wanted. He likely got someone else lined up. My ex boss tired it on with me beforeand I said no I wasn't the first and I won't be the last.

SadSack39 Wed 28-Oct-20 21:48:34

Maybe he's got cold feet but worried u will spill the beans so he keeping u sweet but at a distance?

Wildthingsx Wed 28-Oct-20 21:48:38

He obviously wants the fling to end but doesn’t want to face repercussions of a scorned woman by you losing your job.

It would suit him if you left on your own accord wouldn’t it ?!

You need to get a grip and accept the affair is over. If you don’t want it to come to light then find a way to regain your professionalism and keep it a work relationship. A few kisses and chats are easy to forget surely ?

StartingGridGo Wed 28-Oct-20 21:49:17

I don't know what you think there is to resolve?

He's stopped the flirty texting and has switched to being formal and professional.

The fling is over.

Coldwinds Wed 28-Oct-20 21:49:48

He probably saved your job as he was shitting himself you’d take him to a tribunal.

He saved your job and is is distancing him self from you.

litterbird Wed 28-Oct-20 21:53:24

Fling is over. Please accept that and try to move on with it. Be happy to keep your job, be professional and perhaps look at why you started this fling instead of saying no. Are there areas in your marriage you could improve? It was fun whilst it lasted perhaps but moving on is the best way. Head held high and steady as you go.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 28-Oct-20 21:54:43

You sound unhinged, honestly. He is backing off so be an adult and let him go. You've both behaved horribly and here is the inevitable result of your stupid affair. Leave him alone and grow up.

Dery Wed 28-Oct-20 21:55:38

“Now I feel like saying I can't have the job unless we resolve this as I can't work in this kind of situation. What should I do? I don't understand why he has tried to save my job but now remains so formal with me as if the past year never happened?”

Isn’t your focus on the wrong thing? In this climate, I would have thought you would be hugely relieved to still have a job particularly since he could have used this as a chance to let you go. In his mind, he can probably only justify keeping you on if you both cut out the silly business and go back to a proper professional relationship. Both of you were cheating on your spouses. Unless you want to wreck your marriage, you should seize this chance to keep your job and return to an appropriate professional relationship, not go throwing your toys out of the pram because he wants to draw a line under the cheating behaviour.

Birdsong111 Wed 28-Oct-20 21:59:05

I would move on from it. It sounds like he wants to. Like the previous poster said be thankful you still have a job.

scoobydoo1971 Wed 28-Oct-20 21:59:10

You cannot stay in this job. It will be unpleasant and awkward moving forward. He has tried to stay in your good books so he doesn't get in trouble. Many companies and organisations really don't like relationships, dating or affairs, in the workplace. This is very complicated when one person is higher ranked than the other, as it risks being seen as abuse of power.

OMGISeeTheWayYouShine Wed 28-Oct-20 22:00:38

You're both married and you've both behaved appallingly. FFS. Grow up and stop making excuses. He's bad, yes, but so are you. You're a grown up too. Act like one.

SuzieCarmichael Wed 28-Oct-20 22:03:45

Uh .... keep your eyes on the prize. In this economic environment that means YOUR JOB. This man is no kind of prize. Be glad it has ended without recriminations and focus on what really matters which is YOUR SECURITY. If you’re not in love with your husband anymore then that’s something you need to work through but this man was never the answer to any reasonable question (other than ‘who is your boss?’).

Take this opportunity and don’t look back. I hope he doesn’t expect ‘gratitude’ in the future. Obviously when the economic environment has improved you will have to leave the company, unless he has already done so.

Iwonder08 Wed 28-Oct-20 22:05:52

Get yourself another job

BlueJava Wed 28-Oct-20 22:15:47

I would take the job as you probably need one and it will be difficult to find one right now but be very formal with him and act like it never happened. Get yourself another job ASAP and leave though. Whatever you do - do not tey chatting to him, no outbursts no messages, just 100% professional.

Bluntness100 Wed 28-Oct-20 22:18:18

What is it you want op? You want it to continue,? You can’t force him to continue. He’s ended the fling, just accept it. Stop pushing it now.

Babaoreally Wed 28-Oct-20 22:19:20

‘with all this unresolved’ - what does that even mean OP? How would it be ‘resolved’.
You make it sound like you want to know you can pick up the affair where you left off - and if he can’t give you that then you want to take off?
You seem very focussed on working out this ‘fling’ - and seem quite oblivious to the betrayal and deceit you’re both engaged in.

Would you planning on telling his wife if he calls off the affair? Do you mind if your DH finds out? Or are you planning on just walking away if he can’t reciprocate? Would it be ‘resolved’ if he said he wants to end the affair and continue as professional colleagues?

I think what’s actually unresolved is the state of your marriage- and why you feel comfortable to cheat on your DH with someone else’s husband?

You don’t mention children OP - so you can easily leave your marriage - or agree to an open marriage. Either way you are then free to go further with your boss - but probably go through all this again, when he’s had more of you, and then gets bored a second time.
I think you are focussed on what your affair partner is thinking - if you can second guess or manipulate the situation to be what you want (which sounds like continuing as you were - am I wrong?)
Instead I think you need to focus on why you’ve ended your marriage in your own mind and yet stay - and why you would rather the crumbs of a relationship with a man who you can never have.

LolaSmiles Wed 28-Oct-20 22:20:57

You've both been stupid pushing the boundaries. The fling didn't really go anywhere so he's gone back to a professional relationship. Move on.

It sounds like you don't want to commit to having a full blown affair (which he is probably seeking) but then you want to know you've got his attention or can pick him up and put him down on your terms, hence why you cooling things is apparently fine, but it frustrates you when he does the same.

You have your job and now is an ideal time for personal reflection.

Vicki8314 Wed 28-Oct-20 22:27:31

LolaSmiles

You've both been stupid pushing the boundaries. The fling didn't really go anywhere so he's gone back to a professional relationship. Move on.

It sounds like you don't want to commit to having a full blown affair (which he is probably seeking) but then you want to know you've got his attention or can pick him up and put him down on your terms, hence why you cooling things is apparently fine, but it frustrates you when he does the same.

You have your job and now is an ideal time for personal reflection.


You're absolutely right about it being on my terms. I get that and I wonder why I am in such need of finding out why he has changed when deep down I know why. I know I'm a terrible person and I hate that I am and working on changing.
The thing is I have another job offer, it's much less paid but I am wondering if it's better to take, struggle a bit more and put this all behind me

OP’s posts: |
Vicki8314 Wed 28-Oct-20 22:34:10

Thanks for all your replies. Your honestly is brutal but totally needed. My priorities are all wrong in this. I didn't mention and what is probably important is I have another job offer which is far less paid and means struggling quite a bit, but not sure I'd best to just take it and leave all this behind me?

OP’s posts: |
MMmomDD Wed 28-Oct-20 22:46:44

In your place - I’d not be switching jobs in this economic climate and certainly not to a lower paid position.
Why should you do that to yourself????

Just give yourself a shake and carry on as an adult. You had a fling. It over. Move on.
It wasn’t the best idea to get involved with a boss, but at least it didn’t go too far.

These days - you’ll not be seeing each other in an office for quite some time. This should make it all easier. And it was good of him to save your job, regardless of motivation.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 28-Oct-20 22:49:41

Why can't you just stay at your job and behave like a grown up. The fling is over. All this ridiculous drama is your own making.

thosetalesofunexpected Wed 28-Oct-20 23:33:06

Hi Op the question is why did you feel a need in first place to be validated to have an extra marital crush fling with someone who you knew was just using you to stroke, massage his own planetry size ego?
Its quite easy to see from here,what he was after and when things didn't quite work out,go all the way like he thought hoped they would, plus he was prob worried this kind of stuff become office gossip and spread like wild fire outside, in case respective partners might hear of it thru local gossip,he wanted to appear to do decent thing, so it does not come across as abuse of power he is just saving his own back,as he didn't want to appear to you that he has been using you so you would slag him off to anybody who be prepared to listen.
Don't settle for less paid job, just act according in this job you have got, act as if nothing has happened at all?and if you later on still feel its too Arkward or not quite the right job any more,in the mean time you can look elsewhere for work or if you feel staginating in current job you can allways look at learning doing courses online etc/ or to get re training to different kinds of work.
Focus on whether your relantship with your husband is work working out,fighting for or is it better to throw in towell, only you can decide,know that.
A frisson of illicit type crush/fling can be quite addictive and if you were not feeling at home by your husband appreciate or things at home just humdrum its easy to become vulnerable to attention elsewhere however inappropiate it was, we all make mistakes being mortal human beings ,don't beat yourself up.
Best of luck

OverTheRubicon Wed 28-Oct-20 23:42:34

Coldwinds

He probably saved your job as he was shitting himself you’d take him to a tribunal.

He saved your job and is is distancing him self from you.

This. Count yourself lucky that you have a job and that covid stopped this all getting physical too.

You don't seem to have any feelings for your own husband in all this. This is a golden opportunity to work out why chatting with a bored sales director was ever appealing and either put in the effort to make your marriage work or to call it a day.

ClarenceBoddicker Wed 28-Oct-20 23:49:39

You’re not getting much sympathy and you won’t from me. You’re both to blame but suppose you could put in a spurious claim that as the superior he was more at fault and sort of coerced you into it as the more powerful one bollocks or not. He seems to have come to his senses anyway and perhaps has saved your job to not kick up a fuss (could have been real too who knows!). Anyway don’t push it any more. If you result think you were forced into it than yes but you just seem a bit butt hurt about it! Let sleeping dogs lie. Case or not I doubt your partner will swallow it unless they’re an idiot

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