Hes says it's over

[Kidsdub]

Hey
My dh and me have been having issues for a while and are 4 weeks into counselling. He's told me he wants more intimacy which I find it hard to do as we have a house full of kids he thinks thats an excuse. He feels disconnected from me but what he says really gets him feeling insecure and this bit he cant move on from is my past relationships. Over the years I've lied about and made him feel like I'm hiding something but I'm not I'm just uncomfortable and then i lie and this makes him feel I'm hiding something. We go around circles. He's says he feels very insecure in our marriage and unloved. I know I have a lot to work on that. I get caught up put him last but I'm willing to try he says now he's not that it's over. I cant accept this I feel so hurt i feel awful & cant cope without him, us. We have been together for 20+ years have & 3 children. Any advice welcome

[ravenmum]

Why is he bringing up your past relationships at all after 20 years?

[Codexdivinchi]

When my ex started saying he felt rejected because I didn’t want sex all the time I could have screamed.

He was that disconnected from my reality I genuinely didn’t know what to say to him.

I had two small children.
Ex worked till 8pm most nights so I did everything
He never did his fair share when he was in.

I was never off duty. I would do all the night wakes even when he wasn’t in work the next day and he wanted to lie in till 11am.

I was fucking exhausted and had completely lost myself in between being mummy, wife, cook, cleaner, nurse, taxi driver, teacher, shopper, general dogs body.

Shagging his brains out nightly really wasn’t something I wanted to add extra on my to do list I just wanted to sleep when I got in bed.

There is a brilliant book called ‘too good to leave too bad to leave’. It will help you see where you are in your relationship and it it’s worth fighting for or walking away. When I was about a third in it brought up a lot of unfairness in our relationship towards me that I actually hadn’t noticed. By the end of the book I was determined I wanted to be happy and that meant leaving him.

So I did.

Read the book and see if your actually in a healthy relationship before you start begging him to stay.

[madcatladyforever]

Its very bad news when men obsess about what you did before them, it shows a huge amount of immaturity which is really very worrying.
My first husband did this relentlessly, 2nd husband couldn't have cared less.
Its actually none of his business what you did before he came on the scene. I wouldn't lie about it I'd simply say I'm not prepared to talk about previous relationships I had before I met you as it is of no importance and actually none of your business.
Has he actually done anything useful and without being asked so that more intimacy can take place like finding babysitters so you can have a date night? It's not an excuse, you can't have children running around while you get down to it, it's extremely off putting and they will be barging in and out of the bedroom.
It would help hugely if he put this ridiculous obsession with previous relationships behind him for a start, is he so insecure he thinks 20 years mean nothing - he's prepared to destroy his childrens lives over his "need" to discuss all your previous lovers and has not made any effort at all to enable you to have a better love life.
That in itself would be a massive turn off for me, I hate whiney men children.
What does the counsellor say about it all?

[Kidsdub]

I would bring it up and then I would not have told him this and because i lied in the past about things he thinks I'm lying again. I make a statement and he would question oh u did this and I may go no actually I did that ect because once he questioned anything I shut down & lie. When the past he asks questions if I brought something up then he may ask and I lie as I'm uncomfortable then he catches me in the lie and he says I then make him insecure.

[10questions]

So these are things you did more than twenty years ago before you met him? Or is it recent things as well?

Are you discussing this in counselling?

[Codexdivinchi]

too good to leave too bad to stay*

[Coldwinds]

Sounds awful. Why is he still questioning it though? It’s completely irrelevant and bullying.

[Byallmeans]

You could actually say -

‘Stop fucking asking about my past, it’s 20 years ago - get over it. It’s nothing to do with you you make me feel really uncomfortable about talking to you about it’

[IEat]

Do you want to have sex with him? Do you love him enough to sort through the issues through counselling maybe?
His insecurities about not being intimate with you are coming out through his behaviour towards your past relationships. Be honest if he didn't want sex with you wouldn't you start thinking all sorts?

[ravenmum]

When did he start complaining about all this stuff? Was it a sudden personality change?
Sounds to me like he wants to end it for his own reasons, but wants to make you the bad guy, and distract you from thinking about other possible reasons he might be leaving.

[billy1966]

God he sounds very needy and like hard work.

I certainly wouldn't be thinking it is healthy or normal to be obsessing over your other relationships of more than 20 years ago.

It strikes me as very controlling.

You sound very anxious.

[Greeneyes78]

Sounds like his mind is made up op.

Once you become disconnected I think it’s very hard to get back to where you were.

[willowmelangell]

I don't know why 20 years is hinging on what you did or didn't do before you met him.
I do know it is a killer when it is brought up again and again.
I can only guess that he worries he has never measured up against some past lover of yours and in his head he never will.
You being evasive could be feeding into that thought. BUT even if you described every detail of every sexual encounter you ever had it still would not calm his fears.
Every word you say on the subject is something else for him to think about. The things you do not say are being filled with his imagination.
He will never be content. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Short of him talking it through with a professional, I can't see this ending well.
So sorry you are going through this.
Do you have support IRL Has he left the house?

[Babaoreally]

Yeh - I think if you start bro feel someone has ‘settled’ for you - and that it’s not that they don’t feel passion - or never have - they just don’t feel it for you - then they start to question everything. And of course if someone has settled for their partner they lie about it, so it feeds the insecurity and doubt.
I generally think that if you are loved - you feel loved. So OP - is this his problem- your problem - or something you’ve made between you?
My guess (and that’s all it is!) is he feels that you’re hiding or ambivalent about your feelings towards him.
When you say you can’t cope - is that financially or parenting- what do you get from him - and what do you want?