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I only have 2 friends and it's because of you

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painttheworld Wed 28-Oct-20 08:52:08

In a relatively low key conversation about social plans this week, in which I suggested that I wasn't expecting him to go out tonight as he was planning a night out two later, dh said this. Context-was the same friend and I know that this friend would be very unlikely to go out twice in a week especially at half term. The two men play squash and go for a pint every week, but have a more occasional big drinking session booked later in the week.
I have absolutely no problem with these arrangements, was merely expressing that I had forgotten the fact that squash was unlikely to happen because of drink. No real investment from me either way, nice he would home but no bother.

I don't particularly like she's friend, and so do not choose to do couples socialising with him and his partner, but am perfectly polite and friendly with him, happy for dh to see him etc. and to take kids out with him and his kids etc. He is a little boorish but not a bad man, just not my friend and we wouldn't choose to be friends with each other outside of dh. We have tried, but it is forced and not much fun for either of us.

I like DH's other close friend a lot, but due to distance etc we don't do couple stuff with him and his wife(did with previous partners when we all had more free time and lived in same town).

Dh and I met through and share another close Male friend who has since moved abroad who we both see on return, again we do not do couple stuff with his wife, this time coming more from her end-we are her dh's friends, not hers, and she is friendly but a little distant. As I would say I am with dh's friends partners.

Dh is friends with the dh of a friend of mine, met through me and our kids. He holidays (camping) with some other dh of my friends where all kids are friends and is social and friendly with several, just not independently friends. I do not do this as much with a family he and 1 of my dd's are friendly with, and he resents this.

I am a sahm, and also home educate our dc, one of whom has asd. I also have asd.

I do not have the energy or social skills to socialise with couples extensively where I do not feel connection. Dh has not organised camps/dinners/day trips etc over the years with any of his friends whereas I have done so with my friends regularly since all kids were small.

Dh and friends DH's would usually come as wanted to be out with kids etc but could have stayed home- dh is disappointed when he is 'not invited' to just women and kids days.
I would have bitten his arm off if he had taken kids out with his friends and their kids without me.He never once did until the last year or two where my very social dd has wanted to see the sdd of his friend.

Very long, sorry.

In brief- dh feels resentful that he has let slip several friendships and also that I do not want to come along when he sees his friends/do not organise things with them.

I did use to suggest he do so when kids were tiny, but stopped short of doing it for him. As years have past I do not see these men and their families as my frinds and do not choose to suddenly start socialising with them.

Dh is refusing to discuss what he said last night, saying he didn't say it and slamming about.
He has said those things(I don't have friends because of you)(you don't like my friends so I can't have friends)(everyone else's wife comes it looks weird when you don't )(I don't want to go without you)etc. all of which was repeated last night and now denied.


I am frustrated that we can't have a calm chat about it. I acknowledge that I can be a bit inflexible about spending long periods with people I don't feel actively positive about - I no longer drink and all these people are big drinkers and I just can't anymore.

So. I am cross and feeling a bit attacked. He is wanting to move on as if he said nothing.

Should I just also pretend he said nothing? I am being inflexible in my thoughts that I can't just see it as a minor expression of disappointment on his side that doesn't need discussing?

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