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Dh, icky things and uncertain future(7 Posts)
I have been following the previous threads on here regarding the 'ick' with interest.
Background - together 10+ years one dc. We had dc unplanned early in the relationship and looking back I'm not sure that dh ever felt completely right for me but he has lots of good qualities and I did love him. A strong family unit means a lot to me and over the years I've wholeheartedly put lots of energy into making things work (often to my own detriment).
Main issue is dh is a drinker/occasional drug user and has somewhat of a history of letting me down albeit this has improved massively year on year.
Im now at the point however that I feel a strong aversion to any physical contact with him - I believe I possibly have the dreaded ick. When he's had a drink it's particularly prevalent-I can't stand the way he speaks, acts, heavy breathes when drunk and I physically want to recoil at his touch. I've asked and asked for him to reduce the drinking, which he has to an extent but he is someone who becomes affected by alcohol quickly eg after a couple of pints.
He's objectively a handsome man but I truly just don't fancy him any more and dread sex with him. Is there any way past this? I would feel dreadfully guilty about splitting a family just because I don't fancy him . We are mid 30s. Help!
It's not surprising you've lost attraction to him given years of poor behaviour. Nor that when he's drunk he's repulsive to you.
But fancying him is pretty crucial in a marriage, it's not "just" a small issue. You shouldn't have sex you don't want - it'll damage your emotional wellbeing and the Ick will likely get worse if you force yourself. And stopping sex in a relationship is a big issue, and not really the answer for a couple in their 30s (or most ages tbh).
You’ve mentioned lots of good reasons to end the relationship, and few to stay.
You’re mid 30s, do you want to be like this mid 40s? 50s? Forever? No? Well, there’s your answer. The ‘ick’ sticks I’m afraid
Key thing here is what do you actually want?
Do you want him to fix the behaviour, or are you done?
Only you know the answer, there's nothing wrong with being unsure either. Is he the type that might agree to marriage counselling? Does he understand how much his behaviour is jeopardizing the marriage?
Gut feeling is I'm done. I don't feel it's fixable. But I just feel the guilt will be so consuming if I end things, our lives are so entwined, our dc will need to move house away from his friends (neither of could afford to stay in our current home). Day to day we rub along OK, no major rows. Life isn't simple is it..
Ok so youre done. Perhaps you could seperate but stay in the house short term until you can make reasonable plans to leave?
He doesnt sound abusive from what youve said but if he is, this is not the right suggestion.
What do you think he would say if you told him its over?
Your happiness deeply affects your childs happiness. Your relationship is teaching your child what behaviour is and isnt acceptable, and also that your feelings dont matter.
Having grown up in an unstable house, i can assure you that you are better of seperating and living a happy life than sticking it out.
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