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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Husband attacked teenage son

440 replies

Throwawaynameforthis · 27/10/2020 13:58

On Saturday night my husband pinned DS to the floor.

We were playing a family game and DS (14) was being annoying, escalating to rudeness. He accused me of “smacking him” which I absolutely did not do.

I took myself out of the room for a minute and the next thing I hear is H yelling, DD15 shouting at H to stop and DD9 sobbing.

As I walk into room DS is legging it out the house looking terrified, quickly followed by DD. From what I can work out H picked DS up by then lapels and got him on floor and was telling him he’d “show him what a smack is”.

I found DS quickly and then DD and went home. H apologised to the DC but I’m so angry. I don’t know what to do. This has been escalating for months.

Is this it? Is there any recovering from this? For me or the DC?

OP posts:

Report

ChaChaCha2012 · 27/10/2020 14:01

Your husband needs to leave the house. Letting him remain there is putting your children at risk of serious harm.

OldEvilOwl · 27/10/2020 14:02

Kick him out before he does it again

Winterterrace · 27/10/2020 14:03

’This has been escalating for months’

So it’s not an aberration but part of a pattern of behaviour? Is he the father of your DC?

BunAndOven · 27/10/2020 14:05

Get him out the house and think about what you want to do. Is DS okay?

AlexaShutUp · 27/10/2020 14:06

Sorry, I wouldn't think there is any way of coming back from this. He assaulted your ds. Your children will always be afraid of what he might do. Your job is to ensure that they feel safe.

What do you mean when you say it has been escalating for months? Have there been other incidents?

I think you need to ask him to leave.

BadDucks · 27/10/2020 14:06

Completely unacceptable and would be a deal breaker for me. If this has been escalating for a while would I be right in assuming your DH’s verbal responses have been getting more aggressive recently towards your ds?

wewereliars · 27/10/2020 14:06

Get him out now, your son needs protecting

GCITC · 27/10/2020 14:08

You need to leave. You need to protect your children.

BadDucks · 27/10/2020 14:08

Also think how this will look if you don’t act and one of your dc’s discloses the abuse (yep that’s what it is) to a teacher or a friends parent?

trashaccount · 27/10/2020 14:11

My father did something similar when I was a bit younger than your son. My mum stayed and defended him. I don't speak to either of them.

Start making plans to leave as soon as possible if you value your children.

blackcat86 · 27/10/2020 14:11

Unacceptable and he needs to leave. You need to be talking to DS about what he wants to do (police, talk to someone etc) and taking action because if he (or DDs) tells a trusted adult and your DH is still in the house you'll both be culpable for this abusive environment. Also what message does it tell your children about future relationships.

Branleuse · 27/10/2020 14:12

when you say its been escalating for months, what do you mean?

LaBellina · 27/10/2020 14:13

Do what my DM neglected to do for me and get your children out of this situation.
They will hate him. And very possibly start hating you too if you did nothing to protect them and thus enabled your abusive DH.
I'll never forgive my DM and started hating her even more after I became a mum. Your DC deserve a safe home. It's their best chance of growing up into stable adulthood. The best thing to do isn't always the same as the easiest thing to do.

Missandra · 27/10/2020 14:13

You say you went home. Do you already live apart?

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 27/10/2020 14:13

This is very hard OP.

Is your H like this with all the kids or does he particularly get on the case of Ds?

Growing males often clash with older males in the family. It sounds as if your Ds has been pushing boundaries, and was escalating to being rude to you. He needs to learn decent boundaries.
And your H needs to observe decent boundaries.

But I know two nice happy successful families where at a certain point a Dad and Teen son came to blows. It didn't happen again.

I wouldn't kick him out atm but I would demand that he talk seriously to DS, apologise, and your DS, whilst knowing that his Dad should not have grabbed him, should know that he should not have been rude to you.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 27/10/2020 14:14

Hang on - is your H your son's father?

If not, he has to go.

Throwawaynameforthis · 27/10/2020 14:16

H is his dad.

They have a tempestuous relationship. I love DS dearly but he can be obnoxious and arrogant. He will never back down from an argument and reacts badly if told off.

I can walk away from it but H reacts and they do have shouting matches. Those have got more frequent and H is much less tolerant of bad behaviour than I am, I tend to ignore whereas H challenges.

OP posts:

Missandra · 27/10/2020 14:18

Do you live separately?

Throwawaynameforthis · 27/10/2020 14:18

DS and the girls seem fine. I’ve spoken to them all and they’re all shrugging it off.

DS and older DD stayed up watching a movie with H on Saturday night and then went out with him yesterday. I didn’t go because I couldn’t look at him.

OP posts:

catnoir1 · 27/10/2020 14:20

Teenagers can be shits but no matter how shitty they are you don't pin them to the floor.

Throwawaynameforthis · 27/10/2020 14:20

Sorry we live together.

When I say we went home I had to go and search for the older DC. DS ran off out of the house and DD followed. Once I found them we went home to where we all live.

OP posts:

PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 27/10/2020 14:21

I saw my cousin being thrashed by his stepfather while on holidays in Cornwall thirty years ago.
My dad is dead but for years was annoyed with himself for not intervening.
Cousin and his SD seem to now have a pretty good relationship.
I will never be able to forget the image, and I indelibly think my aunt's second husband is a total cunt.

lunar1 · 27/10/2020 14:23

There is no coming back from this.

amusedtodeath1 · 27/10/2020 14:24

I've seen this before, I know a lovely lady who actually came to blows with her teen DD, when she tried to push her mum down the stairs in an argument. (Stupid place to have a row tbh) but that teen is now a psychologist and has an amazing relationship with her mum. The key thing they did was anger management, family counseling would be a good thing too.

Your DH needs to be able to control his anger. Teens are a PITA, and can drive you to that point but it's up to the adults to set a good example and teach kids how to handle anger in a less destructive way.

Branleuse · 27/10/2020 14:24

im not condoning this, but I definitely think this is more common than you might think. Adolescent boy and father squaring up to each other after a period of teenage attitude. Its wrong to get physical. Im glad noone was hurt.

Have you spoken to your son and your husband seperatly. Is dh remorseful. Has ds said much?

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