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Is my boyfriend gay?

(53 Posts)
Hetty5001 Tue 27-Oct-20 13:09:10

Any advice for this would be greatly appreciated.
My boyfriend has always been a heavy drinker, he doesn’t go out all the time but when he does there has been times where he hasn’t come back for hours after the bars are shut. I’ve often wondered about this but he has said he’s been at a friends or just wandering around drunk. Stupidly I accepted this and didn’t think anything else of it. However last week I lost my mobile so he gave me his old one, when setting it up it was still signed into his emails so rightly or wrongly (I know a lot of people will curse me for this) I had a look and saw that he had been using a website called fab guys, shocked and out of curiosity I clicked into the email and it allowed me access into the account. There was his profile, no face pictures but a picture of you know what!
I started reading the messages and the times he had been on there had been when he was drunk, some of them were just random messages like hey but one of them was from a man who said do you want to meet again, I replied again??? And the man replied yes we have met before, i said when and he said about a month or so ago. This does tie in with a night out he had.
Now I know I shouldn’t have done this but I’m now questioning my whole relationship. Has he cheated on me.....I’m quite sure, how I don’t know, and is he gay?? On his profile it says bi curious!
I’m just so confused, we have been in a mostly loving relationship and I’m so shocked!l

OP’s posts: |
Nyctophyllia Tue 27-Oct-20 13:15:50

Most probably he is but the issue is that he's cheated, gay or not
Fabswingers is a revolting website full of predatory repulsive men who will literally shag a ham sandwich
Most are married also, Fab guys is the gay/bi arm of this
Sign up, anonymously, have a look around, you will be horrified at the stuff they do
Please protect yourself, get a sti test and bin him

Shoxfordian Tue 27-Oct-20 13:16:17

It definitely sounds like he cheated. Get yourself an std check and dump him

Bunnymumy Tue 27-Oct-20 13:18:13

What a shock this must be op.

I think, all else aside I would feel that he is cheating, simply being on this site. Theres no excuse for a married man to be on a dating site. It's a betrayal.

Also, sorry to say but it sounds like he has met at least one person for...escapades. And this person, whether for good reason or not, seems to not find it strange that your husband doesnt remember the meeting. Which may suggest that he got the impression that he was perfectly capable of (or, definitely) putting it about a fair bit.

I think I would be speaking to a solicitor to find out my legal standing before saying anything. And getting an std test at the doctors, unfortunately might be wise too.

Sorry you're going through this op.

MMmomDD Tue 27-Oct-20 13:18:38

He is clearly as his profile says - bi-curios. And also stepping out on you.
As he is doing it when quite drunk - I’d be concerned about him using condoms in that state.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation Tue 27-Oct-20 13:26:50

His sexuality is irrelevant surely, but if he's performed well in sex with you then I'd put him in the bisexual category.

Agree with an sti check if he's been having unprotected with you. My local sexual health clinic are doing postal self tests right now which you ca order online (free) - it's very easy and painless to do a swab.

Do you live together? Can you just dump and block?

Norwolf Tue 27-Oct-20 13:29:18

I think you already know the answer to this after that conversation. You need to RUN!!!!! He has done a great job at covering up who he really is. It’s a crap situation but at least now you know... flowers

Hetty5001 Tue 27-Oct-20 13:29:51

We do live together and have done for many years so not that easy.
I know the cheating part is unacceptable and the relationship cannot go on. I just want to know has this been a lie the whole time, is he gay and I’ve been a cover up, I have no idea what bi curious is to be honest. I know that shouldn’t matter but I just need some answers

OP’s posts: |
GCITC Tue 27-Oct-20 13:35:53

Sounds like he's bi but doesn't want to admit it. Unfortunately bi guys are much less accepted in society than bi women.

As previous people have said though, his sexuality isn't the issue, it's the cheating.

EatDessertFirst Tue 27-Oct-20 13:39:38

He has cheated on you.

Get yourself STI tested. Then bin him.

FlyNow Tue 27-Oct-20 13:40:45

Bi curious usually means you are bi sexual but haven't really explored the same sex side of it yet. Once you are regularly hooking up with strangers on fab, I'd say you've crossed the line in to plain bi sexuality or you are flat out gay.

As for him being bi, here's my view which some may disagree with. Men caught cheating in this situation (straight relationship, caught cheating on hook up apps) always initially say they are bi. However a year later they are always just gay.

ZZGirl Tue 27-Oct-20 13:42:48

Bi curious means that he's interested in experimenting and doesn't necessarily label himself because he's curious.
You need to talk to him. It may not be that you've been a cover up but that he's feeling confused.
The cheating is wrong, absolutely. You have to talk to him.

EarthSight Tue 27-Oct-20 13:43:04

Don't beat yourself up for looking. He's chested, and looks like he's having casual sex with men who are probably having casual sex with many other men too. It puts you at risk, so get the whole run of STD checks done on yourself if you can and don't have sex with him again. I don't think you can repair something like this. He might actually be gay rather than simply curious. There are genuinely bi sexual people, but there's a good reason why people say 'Bi now, gay later'. It's what some people go through before they feel comfortable saying they are gay.

Honeyroar Tue 27-Oct-20 13:43:55

You can only find out what you need to know from him, and only then if he will answer honestly, which is probably unlikely. Just look after yourself now. Get a STI check, legal advice on how to separate, and friends around you for support. You must feel like you’ve been punched in the stomach.

MiddleClassMother Tue 27-Oct-20 13:45:35

I think it's more important that he cheated rather than if he's gay or not. It is known for "straight" men to sleep with others as a quick hookup, hence the "bi curious"
Get an STD check and leave him asap. You don't even have to mention how you found out.

Hetty5001 Tue 27-Oct-20 13:46:28

I really do feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach.
To make it worse due to Covid I have lost my job so he is the main earner at the moment and he has been lovely about it and now all this!!

OP’s posts: |
Bluntness100 Tue 27-Oct-20 13:47:27

Do you think he’s into women? For example how’s your sex life, does he want to go down on you and is he really into it?

I think you’ll know if he’s into women. If he is, then he’s BI, he finds both men and women sexually attractive. If he isn’t into women, just goes through the motions with you then he’s gay

Bluntness100 Tue 27-Oct-20 13:48:33

It is known for "straight" men to sleep with others as a quick hookup, hence the "bi curious"

No it isn’t. Straight men don’t have sex with straight men. Any man who does that is BI at least.

Bluntness100 Tue 27-Oct-20 13:48:48

Sorry straight men don’t have sex with other men,

GilbertMarkham Tue 27-Oct-20 13:51:20

Nycto .. He was on fab guys, not fab swingers.

He's described himself as bicurious. So let's say he's bi (at the very least).

But the crux of the matter is that whatever he is he's a cheater who lies to you and is must likely risking your health with STDs (even if he uses condoms you can still pass on some).

I've seen posters in this position before - some got into commitment knowing about it, sine not. Either way, he continued to do things behind their backs and led them a shit life.

You really really don't want to get further involved with this guy. He's happy to go online to meet other men to hook up with behind his partner's back.

I'm sorry but cut your losses and leave him to it.

Hetty5001 Tue 27-Oct-20 13:52:25

Our sex life has always been good this is also why I’m so surprised.
On one of the messages I read one guy asked if he prefers men or women and he said women.

OP’s posts: |
Tistheseason17 Tue 27-Oct-20 14:09:40

OP, what are your thoughts on him cheating on you? You've found out about 1 man, but he prefers women. There will be others.
Isn't this the bigger issue rather than whether he is gay/bi/straight...?

BiBabbles Tue 27-Oct-20 14:13:53

This is a horrible way for you to find out something like this, and a shitty thing for him to do regardless of his sexuality.

Personally, if a man describes himself as bi-curious and says he prefer women, I wouldn't think he was gay, but I don't try to peg other people that way. I know several bi men and find the repeated refrain that they'll all choose be 'just' gay or straight soon ignores & belittles them. Also I've read quite a bit on how straight guys explain having sex with other men. Sexuality and sense of self around that can be more complicated that demographic definitions.

However, I can see why it would tempting in this situation to try to figure out WTF is going on and what he could be thinking to do something like this. Only you can decide how you want to move forward with this difficult situation, but I'd try to step away from those messages.

BunAndOven Tue 27-Oct-20 14:18:13

Ultimately, does it really matter? He's been lying to you and been being unfaithful. It also sounds like he has a not so secret drink problem.
Get yourself tested ASAP and get him out the house.

LaBellina Tue 27-Oct-20 14:18:24

He cheated on you and wilingly put you at risk for STI's. There's no coming back from this OP. Dump him and get yourself screened (including Hep/HIV). Consider yourself lucky that you found out now and not after 20 years of marriage. Make a brand new start without this cheating twat.

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