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Just need to get this out of my system

(25 Posts)
woodentable Tue 27-Oct-20 12:59:11

I just need to get this out. Somewhere.
My dh keeps doing really stupid things.
I feel like I can't live like this but don't know what to do.
He is the most arrogant person I know.
Over the last year there has been a massive spate of incidents where I've said please don't do that otherwise something bad will happen. What then happens is my dh gives me a look of superiority like I'd have no clue if something was about to happen and ignores me. When I say anything about don't do this it's literally only for the most predictable things.

He's text me this morning saying he's backed our car into a street lamp.
I was in the car with him yesterday in the same place. I said to him don't reverse so quickly because you nearly hit this same pole. He gave me his superior look scoffed then parked. I text back saying please send me a picture as I know someone near there who can fix it, that was two hours ago. I've since received a text saying not to worry it's only a scuff. So I said if it's only a scuff send me a picture. No picture. He's lying.

This is the second incident this month with the car alone that I've said please be careful otherwise this will happen. We have only just finished paying £400 of damage where he did something that I said was so predictable if he carried on driving the way he was. He didn't even get it fixed properly, just got half a job done to reduce the cost of repairs so the new car we had since September that he bashed at the beginning of this month is no doubt looking even worse today. All of my money goes on these repairs. I have no money left at the end of each month and watch savings deplete because of him being so superior that when I say please don't act so silly something will happen, I get superior look and then some kind of inevitable accident follows and we have to pay out every single month for something.

I'm so tired and so done. I don't know what to do. I can't afford to live on my rubbish salary. I have been looking for a job that I can live of if for months but not even getting a reply for any applications.I can't see how I can leave. I have locked our doors from the inside and just not going to let him back into our house when he gets back. I'm so done I don't know what to do. The superior looks. He ignores and blanks me all the time if he doesn't agree with what I'm saying. I am so sick of it.

OP’s posts: |
Tissueboxcover Tue 27-Oct-20 13:16:31

Why are you paying for his stupid mistakes?

See a solicitor.

Bunnymumy Tue 27-Oct-20 13:33:39

Sounds like he perhaps does these things deliberately because of a 'how dare she tell me what to do' mindset.

I'm curious, are you the one that ends up paying for things? Or is it often your things he damages?

Sounds like you'd have more money without having to pay off his damages.

tattooedmummy1 Tue 27-Oct-20 13:37:16

Does he work op? Why is it you covering the cost of damages?

woodentable Tue 27-Oct-20 13:54:40

He is the breadwinner. We have big outgoings that we are trying to reduce now but they are still on going. We used to be able to afford our outgoing but he lost his job last year and is now in a much lower paid job.

I think he genuinely thinks I'm dumb for daring to point out what I think is obvious.
I've finally had a picture of a tiny area of the car sent to me. So not the full damage. A large scratched up area. To which he's said once the rain is wiped off the scratches will magically disappear.
They won't and that was about 30 minutes ago and when I've asked for a full photo of the car he's ignoring me again.

Without his earnings I don't think I will be able to afford to live with the dc. I used to earn good money but I'm a walking cliche. Gave up work to support his career while I raise dc as he's incapable. Im a fool admittedly. And now I can't get my old job back. I can't get any job. Just a crap almost minimum wage job that I hate but obviously am grateful for just to have it but right now I'm finding it hard because I never see any of the minimal salary I do earn. It goes on the extra output he creates doing things I say will obviously result in more outgoings.

This month he's 'crashed' the car twice. Both times I said to him don't do this otherwise you're going to damage the car.
Last month was much worse I don't want to say about the specifics but this whole year there has been at least one costly incident that has used up any remaining salary from both of us. Each time I get arrogant look and then the accident happens.
There are other non financial things as well.
The other day a guy came round to look at a few windows that had blown. There were none in our bedroom. I said to him before the guy came into our house, I'm going into our bedroom with dc as I wasn't feeling well and there aren't any windows to look at in our room and dc playing up so better for man to look round with dh,

Our room was a tip we've just moved. My old underwear was in a pile on the floor where I was sorting out what to throw away as we have less wardrobe space now. Before I can do anything dh brings the man into our bedroom while I'm in bed and even the window man was embarrassed looking at the pile of bras at the end of the bed!

It's things like this. I told dh do not let the man into our bedroom several times. But he then lets the man in. Afterwards dh said he didn't see what the problem was the guy needed to see the window. He didn't. There wasn't anything wrong with these windows. It goes on and on.

OP’s posts: |
OldEvilOwl Tue 27-Oct-20 14:00:16

Sounds exhausting!

DianaT1969 Tue 27-Oct-20 14:10:44

When did you notice this behaviour start?

carreterra Tue 27-Oct-20 14:12:30

OP, is he doing these stupid things deliberately, knowing you feel obliged to pay out? If so. this could be financial abuse, I would see a solicitor, as a PP mentioned earlier. You are not responsible for him behaving recklessly like this.

growinggreyer Tue 27-Oct-20 14:14:11

It sounds like he is playing a game with you. The only way to win is to drop the rope. Who cares if the car is dented and bashed? He can drive it around like that. Practice your best shrug and say 'oh well, nobody died.' You can keep on looking to improve your earnings but dial back on trying to help him. Don't tell him how to drive the car etc. He has a licence, his instructor has already taught him how to reverse. One thing to do is to keep a dated diary of these events just in case it turns out to be early dementia developing.

JuliaJohnston Tue 27-Oct-20 14:14:30

Can he literally not see the same consequences that you can? He sounds spectacularly dim, not arrogant.

woodentable Tue 27-Oct-20 14:17:18

I honestly cannot tell between if he's actually being this stupid or if he's being this arrogant.
I know it's wrong but I've put the latch on the door. He's outside still saying it's only a scratch.
It's not a scratch.

OP’s posts: |
woodentable Tue 27-Oct-20 14:18:15

I can't bear to see him. I am so angry, it's our one car. We share it. I bear the consequences as well unfortunately.

OP’s posts: |
InkieNecro Tue 27-Oct-20 14:26:11

Have you checked what benefits you would be entitled to if you leave?

Danni91 Tue 27-Oct-20 14:30:35

Just drive the dented car, thousands do!

Its really not worth putting all the money you have into beautifying a car. Yes hes an arsehole yes your angry and i do understand that but really?

All your money to fix a dent / scratches?

Fuck it. Dont bother own the dents

A) itll teach him a lesson
B) You will forever have 'last time you ignored me you did that points'
C) more money

And tbh way hes acting id be tempted to get a 'half job' done like he did on the fix and pocket the rest (it all, dont fix it)

Danni91 Tue 27-Oct-20 14:33:34


I can't bear to see him. I am so angry, it's our one car. We share it. I bear the consequences as well unfortunately.

And you will continue too, every month your skint because hes done it again.

Rather be skint or drive a fancy looking car?

I will bet you he wont do it again if its not fixed. He isnt embarassed by the prangs because they are all covered up!

Babysharkdoodoodood Tue 27-Oct-20 14:56:33

You should be able to claim universal credit along with your wages especially with kids. He'll also have to pay maintenance.

woodentable Tue 27-Oct-20 15:00:50

Yes I don't care about the car. I am so fed up. The last accident took a window and light out so we got that repaired but not the paintwork or dents. The car was already completely scratched up so if it's just scratched it will just add another area of scratches. It's drivable at least seeing as dh driven off somewhere now.

Thanks for the help. Even if it's to say I'm ridiculous, I am just so fed up.

OP’s posts: |
growinggreyer Tue 27-Oct-20 15:37:22

You are not being ridiculous, what you say is valid and matters. Unfortunately, he is not able to take on board what you are saying at this moment so it is time for you to stop the cycle of you telling him not to do something and then him doing it as a fuck you. Can you look into getting some support? I think you have a lot more you need to express. flowers

Sparklfairy Tue 27-Oct-20 16:23:24

oh well, nobody died.

Sounds like he might take this as a challenge!!

Tissueboxcover Tue 27-Oct-20 18:08:05

He is deliberately messing with your head. He sounds awful and his behaviour is actually very disturbing.
If I were you I would be talking to Women's Aid and making plans to get out.

Danni91 Tue 27-Oct-20 22:09:58


Yes I don't care about the car. I am so fed up. The last accident took a window and light out so we got that repaired but not the paintwork or dents. The car was already completely scratched up so if it's just scratched it will just add another area of scratches. It's drivable at least seeing as dh driven off somewhere now.

Thanks for the help. Even if it's to say I'm ridiculous, I am just so fed up.

Sorry the focus isnt on the car, the focus is on you
In telling you to fuck it off, you will realise all the other things you need and deserve

Im assuming hes not under the influence of weed drugs or alcohol so its either terrible driving skills (what if it was a person?) Or hes doing it on purpose to piss you off / test you

People dont tend to purposely have accidents and it seems hes had his fair share. You dont deserve to be skint due to his lack of attention and consideration.

You clearly want more from life than scraping by month to month, if a serious face to face conversation cant solve it i would really consider your options.

Danni91 Tue 27-Oct-20 22:11:39

Purposely have accidents
Incidents / crashes / prangs

Shizzlestix Tue 27-Oct-20 22:16:51

I understand you are worried about money, aren’t we all? However, I echo what a pp said, please check the entitled to website to see what you’d get. And take the bloody car with you!

woodentable Wed 28-Oct-20 00:01:19

Yes I think I will take a look at what I'm entitled to.

No he's not under the influence. Just driving badly. Tonight he started crying saying he's sorry.
I just went to bed. I did notice he stop crying almost immediately when I left the room. I'd usually feel bad but I just have no emotion today.
I have no family and we aren't where we used to live. Coronavirus hasn't exactly made it easy to make new friends either.
I will spend some time tomorrow thinking about it all.

OP’s posts: |
willowmelangell Wed 28-Oct-20 10:19:17

I can only tell you what happened when my exh was caught speeding.
The first time I worked out how to pay the fine out of the house keeping. It meant the whole family had pasta every night for a long while.
The 2nd time he was caught speeding I just couldn't see how to pay the fine and it was upsetting me. I hated that the whole family was 'paying' for his arrogance. So I told him to get a weekend or evening job to pay for it. Knock me down with a feather, he did! Worked out really well, he had his own money and I could budget properly.
Would your dh get a separate job? Or you could serve him boiled pasta every night for a month...

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