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Cars, cash and boyfriends

(38 Posts)
courtrai Tue 27-Oct-20 10:53:21

Please tell me AIBU. I'm driving myself nuts and dick of overthinking

My other half and I rent a lovely home 50:50. He is legally divorced but the financials are still subject to legals. He has no kids but is still paying huge amount for matrimonial home plus salary to ex wife who refuses to engage with legal proceedings to close it off. I am divorced with 2 teens; 1 lives with us permanently and 1 approx one-third of the week. I don't receive maintenance or child benefit (due to new partners earning level).

I'm on approx 32k full time salary. He is in much much more but obviously still has other financial commitments.

I need a new car. Mine is literally a shed on wheels and now at the stage where I need to spend a good proportion of its value in maintaining it (currently 2 new wheels which is about a third of the value of the car ☹️). My other half has company lease vehicles (his firm) and on Friday announced this weekend he is taking delivery of a car worth over £150k - albeit on lease. He says we can 'share'. We can't. He has a 40 mile daily commute.

He doesn't understand why I'm upset and keeps referring to us as a team when I feel anything but. To finance a secondhand car or a lease car would swallow a third of my disposable income after housing costs. I can't justify that with kids to support.

Whilst he doesn't owe me anything I feel like the poor relation. Albeit the poor relation who has occasional use of a ridiculously fancy car,

What should I do? Would you be upset? Am I a spoilt brat?

I'm dreading the new car arriving as I'll have to be happy for him

OP’s posts: |
Otterhound Tue 27-Oct-20 11:05:59

A bit inconsiderate I think but he really doesn't owe you anything as the lease comes out of the company so he is not spending his money as such (even though he is!)

How long have you been together?

suziedoozy Tue 27-Oct-20 11:08:54

I don’t understand why you don’t receive maintenance - why doesn’t the father of one of your teens (the one always there) pay? It is nothing to do with your partner’s income.

Separately if it’s your partner’s company I think he is being really unthinking getting a stupidly expensive car when yours is knackered. How long have you been together? How do you pay bills? I’ve presumed you live together?

All these things make a difference.

You are not being unreasonable in saying you don’t feel like a team if you live together etc

courtrai Tue 27-Oct-20 11:16:26

Just a year.

And this is why I'm driving myself nuts - I know he owes me nothing, We equally split house and expenses - but.... it's such a expensive thing he's bought. Had it been a £50k I wouldn't have been so upset. He'd had an 80k one on order for months but Mercedes have been so slow he cancelled and leased one at twice the price!

We have a nice life and I am grateful for the non essentials that he finds like dinners out. Time and time again he's said he'll help me with the car but nothing has ever come of it. I guess if he wanted to help he would have and I need to understand the implications of that

OP’s posts: |
courtrai Tue 27-Oct-20 11:18:00

My ex husband is a knob if epic proportions! There's an ongoing CMS claim for arrears. I discounted any support from him a long time ago after he threw out our daughter

OP’s posts: |
Bananalanacake Tue 27-Oct-20 11:43:29

Why does he pay a salary to his ex wife, they have no DC. Doesn't she work.

justchecking1 Tue 27-Oct-20 11:44:26

If his ex wife won't engage in court proceedings and there is no court order, why is he paying her anything?

courtrai Tue 27-Oct-20 11:48:53

justchecking1

If his ex wife won't engage in court proceedings and there is no court order, why is he paying her anything?


Because the mortgage is in joint names so if he defaults it scuppers him too. He was paying her a salary from him business to minimise tax liabilities. The advice is that he was to continue to be supporting her until court tells him otherwise. No she doesn't work or show any signs of seeking employment. He needs a court to order the sale of the house to get things moving, which ultimately they will but due to bloody Covid court hearings are taking forever

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 27-Oct-20 11:51:29

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You should be in receipt of maintenance payments from your ex for both children.

Why is this current man paying money to his soon to be ex wife?. Is it because of guilt?.

It all sounds horribly messy for you and for your children. If this is what it is like after a year then I would be wondering whether this
relationship is actually worth continuing. You have likely swapped one crap sounding ex for yet another man who does at heart not care at all about your feelings.

lunar1 Tue 27-Oct-20 11:53:49

The employment is going to be a mess, how does he plan to stop it? It was a tax dodge while they were a couple, can he sack her or does he need to make her redundant. Does he have a plan?

You can't be a team with someone who is still sorting out commitments from his former marriage.

2me2u2u2me Tue 27-Oct-20 11:55:14

I think you are lucky that in such a short time you've been together he is happy to go 50:50 equally on the house when you have one child there permanently and the other a third of the week, so he's paying for almost 3 of you to one of him and obviously not complaining about it, a lot of OHs wouldn't do this.

I wouldn't be happy with that kind of money being spent on a car, it's obscene, but it's his money.

Can't you lease one, they're not that much, a small one under £200 pcm?

courtrai Tue 27-Oct-20 12:03:50

lunar1

The employment is going to be a mess, how does he plan to stop it? It was a tax dodge while they were a couple, can he sack her or does he need to make her redundant. Does he have a plan?

You can't be a team with someone who is still sorting out commitments from his former marriage.


I do genuinely feel for him in this regard. He's desperate to cut ties (he had left her long before we met) but she has every incentive to drag it out as long as possible. First court hearing is next month but we already Kia she's not submitted the information required. She's not a huge problem to me (but is to him). She was his wife whilst the successful business was established so as far as I consider she's entitled to a fair settlement. I'd just like it to be over already

OP’s posts: |
Sunnydaysstillhere Tue 27-Oct-20 12:05:32

So your income has dropped due to him living there but he doesn't compensate you for this?

courtrai Tue 27-Oct-20 12:09:19

Sunnydaysstillhere

So your income has dropped due to him living there but he doesn't compensate you for this?


It has insofar as I no longer claim child benefit but then he pays 50% of cost of house which houses me and my children.

The ex husband has always been exceptional bad at paying for kids so the current lack of maintenance is nothing to do with my new partner

OP’s posts: |
category12 Tue 27-Oct-20 12:10:46

You should still claim child benefit. It may be assumed that you're benefiting from living with him, but if you're not, I don't see why you should lose that money - he can pay it back out of his money. Why should you be the one losing income?

Alexandernevermind Tue 27-Oct-20 12:13:28

You do realise your household income is what most of us would consider huge. You can afford a second hand car. You aren't married and as long as you are both contributing a fair share to the home and expenses you can't begrudge how he spends his money. It will make him look like to dick to the outside world though if you are pottering around in a £2k car whilst his is worth £150k!

Sunnydaysstillhere Tue 27-Oct-20 12:15:01

You are still missing out. His ex certainly isn't!

category12 Tue 27-Oct-20 12:17:04

You do have a decent income. Perhaps ask him for a loan rather than going down the external loan route and buy a cheap new car - Dacia Sanderos come in at less than £10k new.

courtrai Tue 27-Oct-20 12:21:21

Alexandernevermind

You do realise your household income is what most of us would consider huge. You can afford a second hand car. You aren't married and as long as you are both contributing a fair share to the home and expenses you can't begrudge how he spends his money. It will make him look like to dick to the outside world though if you are pottering around in a £2k car whilst his is worth £150k!


I do realise this, I work full time and fund 2 teens from my salary. I am incredibly fortunate. It's the fact that I bust my balls to maintain my lifestyle when my partner seems oblivious that is hitting me right now

OP’s posts: |
jimmyjammy001 Tue 27-Oct-20 12:22:25

category12

You should still claim child benefit. It may be assumed that you're benefiting from living with him, but if you're not, I don't see why you should lose that money - he can pay it back out of his money. Why should you be the one losing income?

You can't claim child benefit if you agree to go and live with a partner who earns over the threshold as it is calculated on household income if he decides not to subsidize your loss in benefits that's between you both and should you probably move out if you will be better off, but it sounds like he pays 50% and you pay 50% as well, you would need to work out if you would be better off if you moved out, he can't expect you to spend as much as he can on cars, house, going out when your salary is alot lot less than his, he will need to subsidize you if we wishes to carry on his current financial lifestyle. But I doubt after being together for just a year he is going to buy you a new car unfortunately.

MacbookHo Tue 27-Oct-20 12:24:39

You mean your partner has a decree nisi? He can’t get a decree absolute until the financial settlement has been finalised. So no, he’s not divorced yet. He’s still married.

So it sounds like you’re living with a married man who contributes say 10% of his salary towards your shared house, while you contribute say 40% of yours? Obviously you’re the reason you’re renting a bigger house than he’d need otherwise, but even so. And he’s paying his wife a salary to minimise his tax. And then promising to help you with a car, but failing. And then treating himself to a flash new one while you drive round in a wreck.

Is that right?

10questions Tue 27-Oct-20 12:30:58

What do you actually want from him? Eg do you want him to buy you a new car? Do you want a loan or a contribution from him? What did you expect when he offered to help you out with the car but didn’t?

Can you actually ask him for what you want/expect?

courtrai Tue 27-Oct-20 12:31:35

MacbookHo

You mean your partner has a decree nisi? He can’t get a decree absolute until the financial settlement has been finalised. So no, he’s not divorced yet. He’s still married.

So it sounds like you’re living with a married man who contributes say 10% of his salary towards your shared house, while you contribute say 40% of yours? Obviously you’re the reason you’re renting a bigger house than he’d need otherwise, but even so. And he’s paying his wife a salary to minimise his tax. And then promising to help you with a car, but failing. And then treating himself to a flash new one while you drive round in a wreck.

Is that right?


Erm.... yes that's about it sad

You can get an absolute however without financial agreement. The legal part of the marriage is done and both he and she acknowledges that much

OP’s posts: |
10questions Tue 27-Oct-20 12:33:24

Why are they going to court over the house? Does she not want to sell up? How much is he expecting when the house is sold?

MacbookHo Tue 27-Oct-20 12:39:35

How come you moved in together so quickly?

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