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Am I too fussy?(14 Posts)
Bear with me, this is likely to be long and rambly. Have a bit of spare time and have been navel gazing....
I'm late 40s. Had a fair few relationships. Been married more than once and for the last 7 years I've been single on and off and been dating. I don't tend to struggle to meet people but sustaining a long term relationship has proved trickier. I am generally the one to end things (including my marriages but one of those was abusive and the other involved repeated infidelity so I have no qualms about having ended those).
So I'm currently with DP - been together for around 18 months and again I find myself thinking about ending it.
He ticks so many boxes in terms of how he treats me. He's kind, respectful, generous, supportive, loving, honest and generally a very decent person. However, I don't necessarily particularly enjoy our time together. The sex is good but the conversation bores me. We don't have many interests in common (and in a non covid world we'd probably be off doing our separate things sometimes and our time together might then feel less "dull" I suppose??). I sometimes feel a little embarrassed by him in company/public and generally I just feel slightly irritated by him
I do enjoy my own company and time with my dcs but I would also like to be in a committed long term relationship.
Am I being too fussy? Is it unrealistic to expect a relationship with someone who treats me well AND who I love spending time with? Have I just got too used to being on my own and become unable to happily share my life with someone? Or is it just (another!) case of him not being right for me?
I think "enjoying your time together" is a basic requirement.
No, you're not being fussy. I think women have more or more specific needs than men but I don't think there's anything big wrong with this.
He seems like a lovely friend, and will make a nice lover for someone too, but you clearly need that and more. Having good conversations is very important because when neither party wants to have sex one day (maybe due to health reasons or age), the lack of it will really stand out and leave you feeling bored or lonely in your retirement. It's going to lead to a lot of frustration and he will end up feeling unloved and unwanted. Why do you feel embarrassed by him in public? What does he do exactly to make you feel so self conscious of him??
Have you considered the fact that conflict is something that keeps the spark alive for you? It's by conflict that some people feel like they are with a real person. If things are too smooth, some people get frustrated as there's no friction. It's almost like the person isn't really real and they sort of blend into the background. Not saying that you are after a lot of conflict, just the right amount for you that keeps you interested. Just a thought.
The embarrassed in public is going to make me sound massively shallow and a bit of a bitch . So he's not interested in fashion or shopping at all. Which is fine. He's also overweight. Also not a problem. But he just grabs clothes that don't fit him properly or suit him. His jeans are always showing his bum crack for instance. And his T-shirt's are too short and expose his belly. It shouldn't bother me but I have caught a few people exchanging glances etc. He's also a tad socially awkward. Very probably on the autistic spectrum. If someone is having a conversation, he'll often just talk over them (loudly) about something random. He's also a fan of a certain comedian and will often shoehorn "jokes" in at odd times. It just feels a bit awkward and makes me cringe inwardly He just doesn't pick up on social cues very well. It's no problem when we're alone, but I am very conscious of it in company.
The conflict point is interesting. I'm honestly the least confrontational person in the world. An abusive childhood and first marriage make me avoid it at all costs. But I know that sometimes means I don't raise things which could be resolved with a simple conversation and therefore small issues can fester until they feel insurmountable
My bf (50s) is overweight and smokes, and likes to really make good use of clothes, so they can look a bit shit. He had one favourite shirt that recently seems to have gone to shirt heaven, thank goodness, as it was the ugliest thing I have ever seen :D
Thing is, I really like him, so I'm very happy to be with him in his ugly shirt - if you were keener on your guy you'd probably feel the same. The issue with his clothes is just a sign of the fact that you're not quite as keen as you could be.
You’re absolutely not being too fussy. Unfortunately though it sounds like this is just who he is and it won’t change. I think you’re just not compatible as a couple. I wouldn’t be able to deal with the things you describe either by the way, it’s not just you!
Overweight, with too short t-shirts exposing his stomach would be enough to put most people off tbf, how is it that didn't put you off at the start?
Maybe you could get him something to fit, and lay it straight to him.
Socially awkward and random jokes causing you to cringe, probably should indicate to you that you have incompatible personalities. There's a lot here that you sight as negatives, just because someone is nice to you, doesn't mean you have to date but them.
I'd be much more put off by the talking over people by telling someone else's embarrassing jokes. My ex is not great at balanced conversation, wouldn't want that again.
I couldn't be doing with some of those things either. I wonder what attracted you to him?
Putting it another way, if you let him go he can find someone who finds these things endearing or not a problem and who enjoys his company, and you too can find someone you, well, like spending time with! Just because someone's not a bad person doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with him.
Might be worth thinking about how you ended up here to start with though as presumably you don't want to make this mistake again?
I think originally I was very attracted to how he treated me. After a seemingly endless string of "relationships' with men who ended up being nobs in some way, it was just refreshing to have someone who treated me so well.
Circumstances have changed as well in terms of how much time we spend together and early on when it was just a night or two a week, I wasn't so irritated by him. He's also put quite a bit of weight on due to having to stop an active hobby he used to have pre covid. He was always quite big (and generally, I'm much more attracted to larger built men) but his wardrobe has remained the same in spite of the weight gain But yes. The not sharing the same sense of humour or conversational topics is a much bigger issue which isn't really resolvable
He is very lovely though and allowing him to find someone who appreciates all his quirks would be the sensible thing to do
Sounds like you have the ick. Let him go and be with someone who loves him for all those things. I have loads of flaws, my husband does too, but I love him so much when I think of him I can't help but smile.
Sounds like the Ick has set in.
I’d respectfully let him go and see how you feel about dating again in a few months.