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Where do we go from here ?

(4 Posts)
Happyeverafter121 Tue 27-Oct-20 10:12:52

My husband and I have had a difficult year. We have been married for 25years, we have had our ups and downs but always got through the tough times. Around a year ago I discovered that he had obsessively been looking at images of woman. Nothing extreme, just sexy images with their boobs or bum out. It wasn't the images that bothered me, it was the obsessive nature of him looking (EVERY morning/oppprtunity for over a year). This was a red flag for me as I had noticed we were having problems in the bedroom. I tried to spice up our own relationship and bought some outfits for the bedroom. He struggled to maintain an erection at times and I was left feeling undesirable and embarrassed. I confronted him about the images and he said he didn't know why he was doing it. He said the he still found me attractive and the behaviour just became a habit. This issue bought a number of other issues to the surface, such as he felt unloved during a period of poor health and thats when it started. I explained to him that by looking at these pictures so obsessively it killed my self esteem which was made worse when he had erection problems. He said that he felt the erection difficulties were due to being desensitised to the excitement due the his daily habit. He has said that since I confronted him he hasn't looked anymore and realised it was getting too much. We continued to have difficulties in the bedroom and he was only able to maintain an erection if he had initiated sex. If I tried, he said he would panic and would worry if he could not perform and would lose it again. This left me feeling rubbish again and decided I would have to leave it to happen on his terms. At times I could almost feel him preparing himself to initiate and could tell when he would back off as he didn't think he could maintain an erection. All this behaviour just fed my low self esteem and feelings of being unsexy. We talked about this again and he has said its because he feels guilty about how he has made me feel about myself and that he doesn't want to make me feel bad about myself again and it sends him into a panic and knows he would not be able to perform which is why he stops sometimes. He says he is so worried I will fall out of love with him, he is full of guilt for making me feel the way I do and us constantly worrying about the state of our relationship. He said to me yesterday that he feels judged when we go to bed about whether he will try it on and if he does he feels the pressure of maintaining an erection otherwise he risks making me feel like shit again. He says it has taken the excitement away, in a way it seems like it has become a chore from what he is saying. He says its hard to always be the one to initiate it bit I can't as he immediately panics! What I want to know is how do we overcome this? Someone please tell me what is going on here as I'm so mixed up with it all I cant see what I need to do to get this back on track...

OP’s posts: |
Happyeverafter121 Tue 27-Oct-20 17:42:33

Anyone please?

OP’s posts: |
DeciduousPerennial Tue 27-Oct-20 17:47:04

Relate. Seriously.

Glittergirl80 Tue 27-Oct-20 17:49:19

Sorry ur going through this its a horrible vicious circle. I had an ex who has what I felt was an obsession with porn. it was like he couldn't get aroused without it. I actually don't even mind porn but it started to make me feel like i wasn't enough. we started making an effort to have more date nights and it might sound silly but actually plan when we were going to have sex i.e on saturday we'll get a take away watch a film etc at least then maybe he won't get panicky and just really take ur time over things, talk about what u want to do once u get to bed. its a horrible situation and I feel for u. hugs xx

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