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Stay or go? But how do I go?

(7 Posts)
Sixeight Mon 26-Oct-20 20:35:08

Oh and I are gradually falling apart at the seams 😞.

Here is my previous thread.

Since a few weeks ago, when he last had a total grump at me and didn’t talk to us for 3-4 days, I’m on daily propanalol and sertraline as I’m getting panic attacks and couldn’t think clearly. The reason for his grump was that I had only had sex with once in the month. Ds (asc) drives him mad. The ‘state’ of the house drives him mad. Me not wanting sex drives him mad.

Last night, I told him I’d had blood tests to see if I was going through the menopause as I am getting panic attacks about having sex. He did ask if there was anything he could do to help, but I said no as I couldn’t cope with the discussion if I said yes.

He has been totally stonewalling us all today, then said this evening that if no sex was a permanent thing he couldn’t deal with it.

The problem is that the low libido has been going on for a long time, over 10 years. He did this to me a long time ago, when Ds (we didn’t know he was asc at the time) was young and not sleeping at all for over two Whole Years. I agreed to a 3 days a week rota for sex, to avoid the stonewalling.

I realise now that this actually was/is sexual coercion,but feel I was as complicit in it as he was - I just laid there and let it happen for all those years without saying anything.

But how can we separate when he can’t parent Ds? He takes no role whatsoever in the parenting of ds as he just gets so cross and shouty that ds shuts down. When I only earn 10k a year? When most of the pensions are in his name? When we’ve just spent all our savings on building work on the house? Retrospectively, I’ve been daft on the finance front, I should have kept financially independent, with a career, pension etc.

I have part of the blame as I’ve not been able (panic attacks) to talk to him about it. This evening, he shouted at ds (who was complaining about no internet at bedtime), stormed out for hours, and is now in bed waiting for me to go up and talk. I think I need a third party to get my views across in a fair way, but I don’t know how to arrange this (relate don’t have any availability, and I’ve looked on the bacp website to ty and find a counsellor but there don’t seem to be any locally)

OP’s posts: |
Sixeight Mon 26-Oct-20 20:36:21

Link to previous thread didn’t work. Here it is. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4046626-Silent-treatment

OP’s posts: |
Sixeight Mon 26-Oct-20 23:14:46

Shit, it’s gone 11pm and dh is still awake, waiting to ‘sort things out’ (aka talk me round to sex). I’m going to have to sleep on the sofa.

OP’s posts: |
Shizzlestix Mon 26-Oct-20 23:30:04

Don’t cave in, OP. He appears to have zero empathy.

CodenameVillanelle Mon 26-Oct-20 23:32:48

I'm sorry you're in this situation
Don't blame yourself for being unable to express your views due to feeling panicky. He's made you feel panicky and it's not your fault.
You need to make the decision to separate. The details can be worked out later.

EarthSight Mon 26-Oct-20 23:57:57

I agreed to a 3 days a week rota for sex, to avoid the stonewalling

Charming.

I'm actually surprised you were able to do that. Are your panic attacks stemming from the menopause or is this a build-up of many years of your body being used as a blow up doll??

Be kind to yourself, including your past self. You were on 10K a year because being part time is what many mothers choose to do.

Your husband sounds unhappy with his family, and maybe his life generally. He sounds bloody joyless, stressful and miserable to live with. That is really not going to help your panic attacks. It sounds like your battery has been exhausted and your mind is putting you into flight or flight mode because it cannot stand to be ground down any longer.

End it. Set him free. Set yourself free and look after your health. As long as he doesn't go off the rails and he can be a reliable (hopefully less of an asshole) parent, he can do whatever the fuck he wants.

Call Women's Aid if you have to. You need to look on the gov.uk website what your maintenance will be, or the minimum if he's forced to pay.

DianaT1969 Tue 27-Oct-20 00:48:41

Don't worry about his inability to parent your child - he sounds too lazy to fight for time with him. Soon your DC will be old enough to refuse and for the court to take his wishes into account. Unless he is old enough already. You can slowly improve your income. You'll be so much happier when you leave. Life is short and your son needs to see you happy.

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