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Stay or go...but how do I go??

(1 Post)
Sixeight Mon 26-Oct-20 20:22:18

Oh and I are gradually falling apart at the seams 😞.

Here is my previous thread. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4046626-Silent-treatment

Since a few weeks ago, when he last had a total grump at me and didn’t talk to us for 3-4 days, I’m on daily propanalol and sertraline as I’m getting panic attacks and couldn’t think clearly. The reason for his grump was that I had only had sex with once in the month. Ds (asc) drives him mad. The ‘state’ of the house drives him mad. Me not wanting sex drives him mad.

When I say ‘mad’, there is no physical abuse. Just silent seething and the occasional cross outburst.

Last night, I told him I’d had blood tests to see if I was going through the menopause as I am getting panic attacks about having sex.

He did ask if there was anything he could do to help, but I said no as I couldn’t cope with the discussion if I said yes.

He has been totally stonewalling us all today, then said this evening that if no sex was a permanent thing he couldn’t deal with it.

The problem is that the low libido has been going on for a long time, over 10 years. He did this to me a long time ago, when Ds (we didn’t know he was asc at the time) was young and not sleeping at all for over two Whole Years. I agreed to a 3 days a week rota for sex, to avoid the stonewalling and stay married.

I realise now that this actually was/is sexual coercion,but feel I was as complicit in it as he was - I just laid there and let it happen for all those years without saying anything.

But how can we separate when he can’t parent Ds? He takes no role whatsoever in the parenting of ds as he just gets so cross and shouty that ds shuts down. When I only earn 10k a year as I work pt during school hours? (He earns 10x as much as me). When most of the pensions are in his name? When we’ve just spent all our savings on building work on the house, which isn’t even finished yet? When the change would totally throw Ds and his routine? When we have a large house full of shared things?

Retrospectively, I’ve been daft on the finance front, I should have kept financially independent, with a career, pension etc.

I have part of the blame as I’ve not been able (panic attacks) to talk to him about it. This evening, he shouted at ds (who was complaining about no internet at bedtime), stormed out for hours, and is now in bed waiting for me to go up and talk. That’s the last thing I want to do as my heart is beating right up out of my chest, despite the beta blockers.

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