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Slept with 'brother in law'

(161 Posts)
YellowLellow Mon 26-Oct-20 19:28:36

SIL got a new boyfriend just before lockdown in March, I knew his name was 'Tom' (it's not but equally as common a name) but nothing else. The first time we saw her after lockdown I asked about him in front of her and DH, genuinely interested and happy for her. That night I got home and checked her Facebook friends just out of curiosity and felt absolutely fucking sick when I realised it was a guy I'd slept with before. I still haven't mentioned it to her or DH, hoping it would go away and they'd break up (I know that's cruel) but I just didn't want to deal with it. The second time I saw her I was so anxious he'd turn up and DH kept asking me what was wrong and I pretended I was feeling sick. I didn't ask her about him once the whole day and actively didn't participate in any conversations they had that involved his name. Thankfully he wasn't there.

DH has since met him twice, I bailed at the last minute both times pretending I wasn't well. DH went down again yesterday to visit her and his mum, and he came back chuffed to bits saying that SIL is pregnant and they're engaged.

What do I do? Is this not as big a deal as it is in my head? I'm so anxious I could throw up every time I think about it, which is pretty constant. The ONS was in 2012, it was ages ago, but the thing is not only is it horrific to have slept with my future brother in law, the night is a really bad memory for me. It was the only one night stand I have ever had where I'd met them that night and didn't know them, and it really affected me. I had just got out of a long term relationship and it just felt so wrong, he stopped at one point and said he didn't want to continue if I wasn't into it at which point I apologised and said I was, and went with it. For years after I wished I'd stopped at that point. I got home and showered about 7 times and felt really low for weeks. I don't blame him, he checked on me, but it was just a bad experience for me and I don't want to be faced with it.

I'm really torn. DH knows about all my serious relationships, we've never gone into details of casual things besides me telling him that I had one ONS and hated it so much I'd never do it again. I just can't believe it's such a small world and such shoddy luck that it's this guy.

This is long and rambly and embarrassing to post but I feel like everyone's going to hate me and I don't know how to handle it.

OP’s posts: |
YellowLellow Mon 26-Oct-20 19:29:50

All the times pretending to be sick, the asking about him so much before I knew it was him. It's looks so fucking dodgy. They're going to know that I've known this whole time.

OP’s posts: |
Frazzled13 Mon 26-Oct-20 19:31:04

So this was someone you had a casual fling with before you met DH?
It’s obviously not the most comfortable situation but honestly, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. BUT, it will be more of a big deal if you hide it, because it will seem like more of a thing.

Guitarstrings Mon 26-Oct-20 19:32:43

I think your overthinking it. Just don’t acknowledge that you know him. If he ever mentions it, say you don’t recall him and must be mistaken. Chances are he doesn’t remember you x

Frazzled13 Mon 26-Oct-20 19:33:12

Saying that, I realise you’ve kept it quiet a while already, but I really think you can be honest, say you felt really uncomfortable, didn’t know what to say.
I think it’s important to remember that no one in this situation has done anything wrong.

ReneeRol Mon 26-Oct-20 19:34:04

It sounds like you only met him that night and didn't know him to associate with before or after that? He probably won't even recognise you if it was just one night eight years ago.

If he does, he probably isn't going to mention it but you can always deny it if he asks. Tell him he must be mistaking you for someone else.

Go meet him and act like you've never met him.

ClementineWoolysocks Mon 26-Oct-20 19:34:33

I think you're making this into a huge thing when it doesn't need to be, why would anyone hate you for something you did before any of you knew the others? It doesn't make sense.
It might be slightly embarrassing at first but you're blowing it way out proportion.

shartsi Mon 26-Oct-20 19:34:42

It was one night eons ago , he probably will not remember you. You remember because it is your only ONS. He has probably had plenty 🤷‍♀️

throwaway100000 Mon 26-Oct-20 19:37:25

With respect, your overthinking this. I guarantee he isn’t paying you any mind, you’re not a thought in his head, it’s not a big deal at all. He’s having a baby, you’re married, and it was almost a decade ago. Just act like you can’t remember him and if you do end up speaking to him one on one and he says he recognises you just play it cool.

ClementineWoolysocks Mon 26-Oct-20 19:37:27

Oh, and you didn't sleep with your brother in law. Stop thinking that right away.

throwaway100000 Mon 26-Oct-20 19:37:43

You’re *

ThePinkGuitar Mon 26-Oct-20 19:38:10

I’ll bet he doesn’t remember you op I know it’s weird but genuinely I think men are less reflective over past ons than us.
I had several ons with the same guy 5 times over a 4 year period last time in 2001 and saw him at parties probably around 2011 and 2013 he literally had no fucking clue who I was like literally no idea!
I was very put out to think i was so not memorable but speaking to friends it wasn’t a unheard of situation.
Don’t draw attention to it op.

TheLastStarfighter Mon 26-Oct-20 19:40:30

I don’t think any of the other people involved would see it as a big deal. And under normal circumstances I don’t think you would either (if it were e.g. an ex boyfriend from 8 years ago).

I think the problem is the ONS, the way you felt about it at the time, that you were in such a bad place, and that you have never really dealt with it.

Honestly, I would consider counselling to help you process if I were you.

Midnightswim Mon 26-Oct-20 19:41:25

Omg I would be the same! I totally understand and anyone saying you're over thinking it ....jeez, I would also feel so sick no matter how long ago it was.
Personally I wouldn't be able to say anything...not sure that's the best advice but I would hope if SIL boyfriend even remembers he'd keep quiet.
I highly doubt he'd say a word.

YellowLellow Mon 26-Oct-20 19:41:51

I guess I thought he'd remember as I was so visibly uncomfortable and he had to stop and check on me and I bloody cried afterwards. He wouldn't of known that I was in a bad place and out of relationship, he would of just thought I'm some freak and looked back on it as such. I just feel ashamed and embarrassed that a night that affected me for so many years has come back up in this way. I still feel sick when I think of that night and the thought of having to see him in person just makes me want to cry. I'm an anxious person I know I overthink things but it just seems so bad. SIL is so happy and if I come clean it'll ruin it and DH will be awkward around him and the whole situation is just so fucking unlikely and ridiculous

OP’s posts: |
burnoutbabe Mon 26-Oct-20 19:43:35

You can fess up after you meet him, as of yet you haven't met him again so don't have to admit you know him.

I'd not say you had known for months about it.

Tell your partner, up to bil to be what he does (I assume he doesn't know unless he has seen pics of you as well?)

Or pretend to do the Facebook search now and say you think you know him.

Windmillwhirl Mon 26-Oct-20 19:44:22

Just meet him and get it over and done with. He's hardly going to shout it from the rooftops that he slept with you.

Hesfamousforit Mon 26-Oct-20 19:44:37

I am totally cringing for you! Tbh I think this secret needs to be aired because if it somehow comes out later down the line the 2 of you are going to look deceitful for not coming clean.
Have a chat with dh. Just say you noticed him on sil fb and have put 2 and 2 together and realise he is the guy from the ons and you are feeling awkward. Get dh to support you through your first encounter with this guy. I think you'll feel better to face it and get it off your chest. Although totally horrible situation for you to be in blush

conduitoffortune Mon 26-Oct-20 19:45:09

I really doubt he will remember you, and even in the unlikely event that he does surely it just doesn't need to be acknowledged. Please don't make this into a big deal that it really doesn't need to be, your SIL and DH don't need to be made to feel unnecessarily uncomfortable.

ScrapThatThen Mon 26-Oct-20 19:45:49

Just meet him and pretend you have never met him and he will follow your lead. No good will come of telling dh or sil.

Sunnydaysstillhere Mon 26-Oct-20 19:46:18

Just fake it. Treat him like a brand new acquaintance and deny ever meeting him.

islockdownoveryet Mon 26-Oct-20 19:47:34

It was 8 years ago ,he may remember you or think I know you from somewhere .
I get it's a big deal to you but ons happen so pretend you don't recognise him.
Even if he does remember you I doubt very much he will mention it and it will be forgotten about .
It's honestly not worth mentioning to anybody.

onlyk Mon 26-Oct-20 19:47:40

I’m going to differ.

I think you should tell your DH and explain why you didn’t say anything before. Reason being if your DH is blindsided by it later its going to look super suspicious and he’ll wonder if there’s anything else you’ve not told him.

I know a lot of the time I’ve been annoyed with boyfriends is that they’ve lied (or lied by omission) about something not what they’ve actually done. In this case if I was DH I’d be annoyed you hadn’t told me and I had to hear it from someone else. I wouldn’t be annoyed at the ONS I fact I’d be glad it was shit ( if you’d told him it was the best sex ever then id understand your reluctance)

MonClareDevole Mon 26-Oct-20 19:48:46

It sounds like more of an issue than just the fact you had a ONS; your feelings about yourself and the encounter etc. I’d recommend some therapy, and when you meet, pretend you’ve never met him. However awkward the experience was for you, I still don’t think he’d remember.

AnotherEmma Mon 26-Oct-20 19:49:10

Oh dear. The fact that you had a ONS with him before you met and married your DH is no big deal at all. But you really should have told DH about it early on instead of making up various excuses not to meet him, which is effectively lying by omission. You don't need to tell SIL or anyone else in the family but you should tell your DH. At least he will then understand why you are anxious and awkward about meeting the guy. Then I think you just need to put your big girl pants on and brazen it out, don't back out of the next opportunity to meet him, be calm and friendly and act like you've never met him.

If your anxiety affects you in other ways and not just about this issue, I advise you to get some support with it - CBT can be helpful and you can often self-refer.

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