Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Trapped and guilty

5 replies

ginglebellsginglebells · 26/10/2020 17:05

I've been with DP for 15 years. The last 5 years have been hard. He's relapsed into depression, drinks 2 bottles of wine most nights and doesn't pay towards the mortgage or bills. We're like lodgers who barely see each other, no sex, no affection, no real conversations. Every attempt I make is knocked back.

Whenever I've tried to talk to him about how lonely I am and how hard it is to work full time (I'm HOY in a secondary school), plus do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping at home while he works 2 hours a week and does no housework, he just goes quiet and says he feels too low to even talk about it. He says things like 'just can't take it any more' and doesn't know what he'll do without me, but makes no effort to make things better.

I feel so trapped and worried about what he might do to himself. I've felt so unwanted and so ugly that I tried posting pictures of myself on an anonymous photo sharing app to try and boost my confidence. I get the chance to chat with men who are interested in me... but I know it's wrong and then feel so guilty about it.

How do I sort the situation out without causing harm?

OP posts:

Report

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 26/10/2020 17:06

So sorry you are going through this. Whose name is on the mortgage?

Report

ginglebellsginglebells · 26/10/2020 17:10

Both of us, @Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel (love the name!!)

OP posts:

Report

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 27/10/2020 13:06

Can't beat FND!

You say you are worried about what HE might do to himself, he's clearly not worried about you and your physical or mental health.

It's ridiculous that you are paying for everything for a start and also doing the housework whilst he fucks about!

He's royally taking the piss. You need to be ruthless and tell him. It's really not fucking good enough and you're not putting up with it anymore. You can be happy but not with him clearly.

Report

NiceandCalm · 27/10/2020 13:46

I don't think you can sort it out without doing harm and by that I assume you mean emotional not physical.
You have got to spell it out for him - he has got to get treatment for his depression, stop drinking, then get a job AND help out around the house or he's leaving. Sorry OP but you are enabling him to live like he is. He needs tough love, if indeed you still love him. If it's a lost cause then get your 'ducks in a row' and plan a future without him.

Report

ginglebellsginglebells · 27/10/2020 16:38

Thank you both. You're right that I need to get ruthless- I am a people pleaser through and through and have put his health and happiness first for a long time. I think I hoped that he would reciprocate and we'd take care of each other, but it's ended up with me doing everything and him doing nothing.

I genuinely don't think he's selfish on purpose. It's like he just doesn't realise what an arse he's being. I suppose he just thinks it's acceptable because I've never come right out and told him he's selfish.