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How to get over being ghosted?

(18 Posts)
Paddlingstillpaddling Mon 26-Oct-20 16:09:46

I started OLD a month ago, over a year after my relationship ended. Met a guy four times, stayed over at his once, we were chatting away on whatsapp after the last date, he suddenly stopped and 12 hours later was back on the app where we met. I was surprised how emotional I felt. I really fell for him and even had a little cry. That was two days ago. So far, I have spoken to two friends about it, went back on the app and arranged four dates for this week, ate a HUGE bar of chocolate, gave myself a ‘day off’ to mop around and sulk. Still feeling shit. I only knew him for three weeks and I knew he was not the right person for ltr for me anyway. But he was so affectionate and adoring, I really did not see it coming!

How the heck do I get over him? I keep checking if he is on the app, rereading his messages, thinking he might message me again (I know he won’t but I can’t help thinking what I would say). This is so hard! Any advice?

OP’s posts: |
Anotheruser02 Mon 26-Oct-20 16:14:47

Oh wow four dates for one week? I think not giving it much headspace is the best thing you can do. I don't know the best way to deal with it, but I think I always half expect it after the first time it happened to me and just know it's not you.
It's good you have lined up four distractions.

Paddlingstillpaddling Mon 26-Oct-20 16:22:24

Thank you anotheruser02. I am not working this week so it’s easy for me to do, after this week I won’t be dating as much. That is the thing, I feel like I’ll always half expect it now, maybe it is a lesson I needed to learn. I am probably too trusting and too optimistic. Still, it was such a shock not to even get a goodbye. I will try to remember it is not me (but keep having these niggly thoughts- was it something I said? Ugh!).

OP’s posts: |
Anotheruser02 Mon 26-Oct-20 16:47:43

Something I have noticed with the two people who have ghosted me and with some friends who have been ghosted is that the ghosters were all into talking up future plans, making it seem like it was going somewhere a bit prematurely. That might be coincidence tho it's not enough to call data. I suppose anyone can be too gutless to say "I don't think this is for me"

seensome Mon 26-Oct-20 17:30:52

It is hard even though it was only a few dates but still, feelings develop and it hurts when not reciprocated, I had this once, dated a guy twice, really liked him at the time but he stopped talking to me and went back on the app, I accepted that for whatever reason even though we got on great I wasn't for him, have hope that you'll find someone better, I managed to find mutual attraction and I'm sure you will too. Soon as you find someone else you like you will stop thinking about the other man,keep talking to other men and then you find someone you click with.

pictish Mon 26-Oct-20 17:40:07

I’m not on the dating scene but if you’re anything like me you’ve probably been magnifying all your self-perceived flaws while overanalysing every conversation you had with him, then berating yourself for being such a failure as a person. Understandably this tends to be rather depressing.

Try to accept that you can’t possibly pinpoint exactly what it was that made him back off. It may have nothing to do with any of the things you are thinking about. Give yourself a break.

MacbookHo Mon 26-Oct-20 17:42:16

I have spoken to two friends about it, went back on the app and arranged four dates for this week, ate a HUGE bar of chocolate, gave myself a ‘day off’ to mop around and sulk.

I think all these coping strategies sound awesome! You’re definitely doing all the right things. I think it’s probably getting to you because you’re not working this week, so you have more spare time to mope. It’ll be better when you’re back working next week.

When I was single and a man vanished, I used to make up unbelievable, tragic stories. Like, he’d died, calling my name. Or he’d found me SO BEAUTIFUL that he’d decided to back off because he knew he didn’t have the self-esteem to marry a woman this hot. Or his dying friend had loved me for 17 years, and had made him promise not to see me again. The more impossible the story, the more it helped.

You’ll be ok. He’s just a twat. A really stupid twat.

tinyvulture Mon 26-Oct-20 17:47:35

It’s not you it’s him! Try not to magnify it in your mind too much. Well done for lining up other dates - getting back on the horse is good! And also, in a way better this happened now than 6 months down the line, when you may have been even more in to him.....

Ceriane Mon 26-Oct-20 17:51:24

I’ve been there. After being single for an extremely long time and dating several people I didn’t feel right about I genuinely thought I’d met the person who epitomised everything I wanted in a boyfriend! Everything seemed to be going so well then suddenly he ghosted next out of the blue. Still not over it 😥

AV78 Mon 26-Oct-20 19:10:21

Thrill of the chase to some. Once they get you in bed then that’s their goal achieved and it’s on to the next woman.

Online dating particularly in the divorced age category is absolutely shite in my opinion. I did it on and off for years and I found that most of the men on there are on there for a reason and not a good one. It’s just full of chancers, players, married men and women haters.

Just brush it off and move on.

I actually gave it up and happy with a dog now. Much more loyal.

lollipoprainbow Mon 26-Oct-20 19:38:06

This is happening to me too ! The slow fade rather than ghosting yet but when someone has messaged me everyday for 8 months it's very hard not to feel emotional about it.

ml656 Mon 26-Oct-20 19:41:44

@MacbookHo

I absolutely love that, I'm going to adopt that for every disappointing thing that ever happens to me.... Like that man skipped me in the queue today because he was trying to get out of the store so quickly because seeing me made him realise that he had married the wrong woman and his life was just utterly meaningless now!

Too far? I'm married so I can't do it on people who romantically ghost me, but everyone else.... It's game on.

OP, it's not you. It's him. Good people don't do this, what's hard about sending a bloody text?. I liked meeting you but it's not going to work out. I hope you have a great time on your dates xxxx

Hesfamousforit Mon 26-Oct-20 19:51:56

I was in a situation recently where I thought I was talking to a really nice guy but then he would just disappear...... and then reappear... I thought sod this for a laugh.
Sent him a message basically saying I was going to hang around and wait for your excuse but I've decided to block you instead. Shame because I thought you were a really nice guy.
Then I blocked him. Bit crap but better you find out the real him early on.

MacbookHo Mon 26-Oct-20 19:52:29

@ml656

Like that man skipped me in the queue today because he was trying to get out of the store so quickly because seeing me made him realise that he had married the wrong woman and his life was just utterly meaningless now

See, that has the ring of truth for me. He was running home to dump her, and he left her sobbing while he ran back to try and find you in the queue again, but you’d gone. He’s at home now, crying while he bashes one out over your memory.

AccountCreateUsername Mon 26-Oct-20 19:54:30

The best way to get over it is to get angry - it’s rude and disrespectful and you’re very much better out of it! Good luck finding someone nice smile

ml656 Mon 26-Oct-20 20:00:20

@MacbookHo

"Bashing one out" ... Thank you for that, you just made me laugh so much on a day that I really didn't think I was capable of it 😂😂😂. Brilliant. And I have a new coping strategy to boot!

Paddlingstillpaddling Mon 26-Oct-20 22:34:20

So many wise words! Thank you so much everyone, you made me feel 100% better. And to everyone who said it is better this happened now than a few months down the line - my thoughts exactly! Imagine ending up with this twat (thanks for calling him that, that’s what he is!) and having to be around for his inevitable letdowns along the way for months to come.
Macbookho, you made me lough out loud by the image of a sad wank at home. It was not about ‘my’ guy but that is what he is probably doing. I am definitely stealing your strategy and imagining him realising on his deathbed that he did what he did because his confidence was low and he could not handle life with someone as awesome as me 😀

OP’s posts: |
MacbookHo Tue 27-Oct-20 12:38:36

Yay!! What a lovely update! Onwards and upwards. HIS LOSS. He’s definitely covered in tears, snot and his own spaff, while you’re poised on the verge of a glittering new future.

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