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I wasn’t with him

(95 Posts)
Myheartisbroken91 Sun 25-Oct-20 20:53:41

My heart is broken. My dh and I had been together for over 25 years. He has suffered poor health for many years, but we have fought it together. I have been with him every step of the way, until Covid.

His consultant hadn’t seen him for over 6 months, until he was seen earlier this month. I couldn’t go with him, because of Covid, but they weren’t totally happy with the results. Then they called him back into hospital, for more tests. I took him to the hospital and dropped him off. I spoke to him later via Messenger Video and he was fine and talking about what we were planning to do when he came home.

Then I got the Call, asking me to make my way back to the hospital as he had taken a turn for the worse. I got there as soon as I could, but it was too late, he was gone. He was my soulmate and I have been there for him every time he needed me, until now, and the time he most needed me I wasn’t there. The pain in my chest is so bad, I feel like someone is squeezing my heart.

I am putting a front on and outwardly I am coping and doing all the things I should, but I wish I was lying in that coffin with him. I don’t want to carry on, I just want to fall asleep and not wake up, the light inside me is gone. I can’t understand how he could be okay when I spoke to him, but three hours later he was dead.

Everyone says it gets easier with time, but it can’t get easier, because the only thing that could stop me feeling like this is to have him back. He was the only one for me, from when we met I never looked at another man. I don’t know how long I can go on before I break, I am dying inside.

OP’s posts: |
notacooldad Sun 25-Oct-20 20:57:22

My heart is breaking for you.

I am so sorry to hear your story.

Meduse Sun 25-Oct-20 20:57:26

Oh you poor thing-this is so sad to read.Wishing you well ..

xsquared Sun 25-Oct-20 20:59:17

So sorry to hear this.

Take care of yourself. 💐

Rockinmomma Sun 25-Oct-20 21:00:32

I’m so incredibly sorry, I can’t begin to imagine the pain you’re in.
All I can offer is my thoughts and a virtual hug
I’m so so so sorry sad

Pebbledashery Sun 25-Oct-20 21:03:19

I'm so so sorry. My heart is breaking for you and I wish I could hug you. Xx

DontGoIntoTheLongGrass Sun 25-Oct-20 21:03:23

I'm so sorry flowers I'd give you a big hug if I could xx take it one day at a time.

MC68 Sun 25-Oct-20 21:06:19

I am so sorry for your loss. Is there anyone you can be honest with & confide in them how you are feeling & allow them to be a support to you?

wirldsgonemad Sun 25-Oct-20 21:06:34

I'm so so sorry thanksthanksthanks

Littleelffriend Sun 25-Oct-20 21:10:45

I’m so sorry

2me2u2u2me Sun 25-Oct-20 21:12:41

So sorry to hear this, please try and surround yourself with your loved ones to help you cope flowers

Jigglypuffler Sun 25-Oct-20 21:21:20

I'm so, so sorry. Please take care of yourself as you process the shock.

FrameByFrame Sun 25-Oct-20 21:22:22

You were with him, in every way that counts.

Fiftyandmore Sun 25-Oct-20 21:22:27

I'm so sorry to hear this. It's so so difficult. Do you have supportive friends and family? Please don't crucify yourself with guilt for not being there. You couldn't have been. It wasn't your fault. And your dh would have known that if you could have been there, you would have. He would not want you to be feeling this way.

I have been where you are - it's nearly four years for me now. I won't lie to you - keeping going is the hardest thing I've ever done. Many many times I didn't want to go on. But I did, and you will do too in time. Thinking of you. Xx

PoltergeistPirates Sun 25-Oct-20 21:23:06

Oh gosh, that is devastating, I’m so sorry. flowers

BrimfulOfBaba Sun 25-Oct-20 21:24:35

This was so painful to read, I wish I could do something to help OP. Echoing previous advice to please surround yourself with loved ones, please keep reaching out to people to let them know how you are feeling and doing. Sending lots of virtual hugs and love.

Ilovecheese53 Sun 25-Oct-20 21:24:38

So sad OP flowers really sorry to read this

Browniegal13 Sun 25-Oct-20 21:27:51

I’m so sorry. I’ve been there, it’s a horrendous place to be. It happened to me 7 years ago. Take it one breath at a time, the waves will come and they will pass, but it is not easy. Time does make it different, it doesn’t ever go away but it does change. Look up the ball of grief theory, I found that tremendously helpful. Pm me if you need to. Sending love and hugs

gindinner Sun 25-Oct-20 21:28:20

So so sorry, this must be so hard xxx

Mollymalone123 Sun 25-Oct-20 21:29:33

I’m truly sorry- I hope you have friends and family around you to help you now 💐

FlorrieMango Sun 25-Oct-20 21:33:03

I am so so so sorry to hear this.

My heart breaks for you.

He absolutely knew you would have been there physically if you could.

My Mum went to see my Dad every single day when he was in hospital (also long term illness) but he passed in the early hours of the morning. I am sure it’s so she wasn’t there to see him go because he wouldn’t have wanted that.

You will find the strength to carry on, he is with you always flowers lots of love. Xxxx

jrb123 Sun 25-Oct-20 21:34:46


ihatedolphins Sun 25-Oct-20 21:39:41

I'm so so sorry. Please if you can keep talking and communicating with whoever you can in real life. And if you can't or if you feel alone, reach out on here...there will always be someone to hold your hand.

It sounds like you and your husband loved each other very much, so he knows that you were with him at the end, even if you weren't holding his hand. He knew how much he was loved and that is what counts.

Sending you virtual hugs...❤️

Raeven Sun 25-Oct-20 21:40:08

I am so sorry.. 🌸

FastAndCurious Sun 25-Oct-20 21:40:16

I’m so sorry. No words seem adequate flowers

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