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I've just accepted he's emotionally abusive & scared(4 Posts)
Been with DH 10yrs married 6. We have a 10 month old DS. We have had arguments in the past where he often 'lectured' me for ages afterwords about how I was in the wrong but in between times things were good. Further background his parent's relationship is bad - his dad very overbearing to his mum but he acts all nicey nicey.
Since we had DS we have argued loads. I ended up in hospital with sepsis a week after birth & he said it was all my fault for not looking after myself properly. Although he brought DS in to see me in hospital every day he did not want him staying in hospital with me as hospitals are 'dirty' (even though i was in a maternity ward). Then I had loads of trouble with breastfeeding. He got me a private lactation consultant but then every time I tried to feed DS he would stand over me & shout at me that I was doing it wrong.
So many incidents since then. Blaming me for DS not sleeping properly. Undermining me when weaning. Being annoyed when I don't feel like sex but try anyway & then annoyed 'I'm not into it'. Blowing up because I answered the phone to someone he told me not to. Sometimes he gets angry & upset with me over something I've said & I don't even know what I've done. (These are all abbreviated versions of events.) He doesn't like my family even though they are decent people. I've realised I've not been the same person since I married him.
Anyway, i started looking into emotional abuse & realised his behaviour is not normal. It's like living with Jekyll & Hyde. Reading other posts here could be talking about our relationship. I spoke to Womens Aid this week who confirmed his behaviour amounts to emotional abuse. I spoke to him this week about separating & it didn't go down well. I know I have not been perfect in this marriage but I do not shout & scream at him when something annoys me. I've told him it's not fair to subject DS to this. Queue him blaming me for his behaviour. It's my fault I annoy him so much. He said he's sorry but he can't guarantee it not happening again. I knew he was a prick when I married him etc.
The next day it was like nothing happened. He said he hadn't realised how serious things were & he wants to try make it work. He says we can't break up because of DS & we never should have had him if we were going to divorce. He's only angry because he's depressed & worried about finances etc because of lockdown. Part of me wants to run for the hills with DS but I feel that will lead to more fireworks. The other half still has that dream of us being a happy family & thinks we should at least try couples therapy for our son's sake.
I am going to look at some legal advice & pack a bag & have a safety plan. I have told a few friends about the situation. I have a constant knot in my stomach right now & it's horrible. I wish this wasn't my life! Any advice appreciated. Am I over reacting if it's 'not that bad'?
He's turning it on and emotionally blackmailing you to try to keep you in the relationship, as he's realised he's pushed you too far. But it's a reeling you in process. Once he feels he's got you again, he'll revert. If he was a good person, a good partner, a good father, none of those behaviours would have ever happened.
Relationship counselling is not recommended where there is abuse. He will twist it to further his abuse.
He's already had a huge negative effect on your early days with your beautiful son - don't let him steal more from you. Leaving is
the best course. (sorry posted too early).
Thank you @category12. Since I have admitted what has been happening to some friends they have been hugely supportive & i feel I have more options. I feel less alone now. I don't think he's ever going to agree to separate so seems like we'll need to do things the hard way. I need to get some back up plans in place. Thanks again for your advice x
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