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Man I have feelings for so much smaller than me- advice needed

(181 Posts)
dollypollywolly Sun 25-Oct-20 09:05:00

Hi everyone.

I know this sounds incredibly shallow and believe me I'm not really, but I'm a single mum of 1 14 yr old, and I've been on my own quite a while out of choice. I work at a school and one of the teachers is absolutely lovely and we get on so well. We have been out together a few times as friends and he has met my son who has special needs and is amazing with him. This guy and I just have such a laugh and I am physically attracted to him and he has made his feeling clear that he is falling for me.
The issue I have is he is around 5ft5 and very 'petite' frame. I am a tall woman, I'm almost 5ft11 and although I'm also very slim (size 10) I absolutely tower over him and just feel huge. I also weigh in at a stone heavier.
I know this sounds absolutely shallow as hell, and I want to reiterate I usually am not, but after discussing this with some work colleagues, family and friends they mainly said the same thing, we would look ridiculous together, people would stare all the time, I'd never be able to wear heels, my mum even said he'd 'look like my little boy.'
I know it is not the 'social norm' and I realise people would stare and some people would most likely take the p*ss, but I'm really not all that confident as a person and I'm just not sure I'm strong enough for that. He on the other hand seems like he couldn't care less, he tells me he would embrace me wearing heels, he couldn't care less what people thought or said and it's not something he'd even give thought to. But he has been very understanding about my concerns but I know it hurts him, and ultimately would hurt him if I say I cannot continue because of this reason.
I know I am not in a relationship with him yet and I don't owe him anything but it is just so sad because I am also developing feelings for him, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him as he is a lovely man.
Any advice and thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. And also have any of you been in the same boat and how has it gone for you?

OP’s posts: |
Sunbird24 Sun 25-Oct-20 09:19:03

I know a couple with a very similar height difference, they’ve been married 45 years. Don’t miss out on something that could be fantastic just because you’re worried about what other people might say.

jewel1968 Sun 25-Oct-20 09:23:25

I know of similar couple. I know the shorter man really well. I tell you she is a lucky woman. He is one of the nicest and most handsome men I know. You will kick yourself if you let social norms dictate your happiness.

ChelseaCat Sun 25-Oct-20 09:25:55

Married since 2010.

It’s only an issue if it’s an issue for you, fuck what anyone else thinks

Mermaidwaves Sun 25-Oct-20 09:27:39

I'm the same height as you OP but I'm also a big girl so understand the issue as many men are smaller than me in height and build. After an abusive marriage and horrendous online dating experiences my advice would be if you find a good man hang on to him! So what if people stare? If he's good to you and makes you happy thats so important. You might regret not giving this a chance in the future.

Meruem Sun 25-Oct-20 09:27:42

I think the people around you are hugely exaggerating. If I saw a couple like you and this man in the street, I wouldn’t really notice you or think anything of it. Why would I? There’s literally loads of famous couples where the woman is taller than the man, especially when she wears heels, but they don’t shy away from the limelight. I think you are letting other people get inside your head and create a problem that doesn’t really exist. Did people point and laugh when you went out as friends? I’m guessing not, so why should that change?

From what you’ve said, you have a chance at something special here. It would be a shame to let it go just because the people around you have immature views. If a friend or family member came to me with your dilemma my only question would be “does he make you happy?” I find it quite sad that people around you have reacted as they have. Don’t let them ruin it because they aren’t the ones living your life.

Thingsdogetbetter Sun 25-Oct-20 09:28:06

Either your friends and family are shallow insensitive assholes or they're being lead by you. How do their comments come up?

You: what do you think of x?
Them: he's far too short for you. You'll look ridiculous as a couple.

Or

You: I'm really insecure about the fact x is too short and that we'll look ridiculous.
Them: i suppose some people might judge, but why would you care?

I can't believe you discussed this with him! There's such a thing as too much honesty you know. I think I'd have told you to fuck off! Can you imagine if a man come on mn and said they'd found the perfect woman but they were worried others would judge them on the woman's height/wait/hair colour?

If you're not strong enough for a bloke being shorter I'm not sure you're strong enough for any relationship.

My stunning best friend is with a bloke about 6 inches shorter and I've never once heard a negative comment or someone laughing or pisstaking.

Look at the many famous shorter men and their taller wives - Tom cruise and nicole Kidman, rod steward and all his wives etc etc.

Thingsdogetbetter Sun 25-Oct-20 09:29:27

Wait = weight. Obviously.

Porridgeoat Sun 25-Oct-20 09:29:39

You need to think differently. Lots of short famous men with taller model partners.

stillsomewhatsheldonesque Sun 25-Oct-20 09:33:18

If he makes you happy this really doesn’t matter.

Chances of forever happiness are fleeting. Grab it. Your confidence will be just fine. He will see to that.

How could a couple being in love and happy ever look ridiculous? It is a beautiful thing. smile

Porridgeoat Sun 25-Oct-20 09:37:12

It’s not a huge night difference either 5:5 to 5:11

timehealsmost Sun 25-Oct-20 09:38:59

from what you say..If you let this ruin it ..you will regret it. Please don't do that.,He sounds lovely!

seriousandloyal Sun 25-Oct-20 09:40:34

It wouldn't bother me if I really liked someone, I think you should go for it OP.

BoudicasBoudoir Sun 25-Oct-20 09:42:29

Be brave and try it?

I was in a similar situation years ago, but we both felt self conscious and it didn’t go anywhere. I still think about him. It’s rare that someone makes me laugh as much as he did.

Oblomov20 Sun 25-Oct-20 09:43:45

You have to make a conscious decision beforehand that you are strong enough. Are you?

SimonJT Sun 25-Oct-20 09:45:15

Why are you putting so much weight on the views of other people? The only views that matter are those of the people in the actual relationship.

My partner has a physical disability thats fairly obvious, I had a ‘friend’ attempt to warn me off because he didn’t like how my partners disability makes certain parts of his body look. Said ‘friend’ was swiftly corrected.

UncleFoster Sun 25-Oct-20 09:45:30

No one cares as much about you as you think they do. I doubt most people will even notice you in the street tbh. But if they do, who cares?

Why would you never be able to wear heels?

OwlOne Sun 25-Oct-20 09:45:55

that's a big height difference. I thought you were going to say you were 5'6 and he was 5'5 but I think if you felt it was WORTH IT, you'd just know.

Although saying that, it is unfortunately a mistake a lot of people make to look for validation from a partner. If you 100% validated yourself you probably would feel the decision was clearer.

As a single mother you're bound to feel a bit vulnerable and in need of validation in the dating pool.

If it were just you two and NO ''bystanders'' would you be happy?

We all care a bit what others think, so don't beat yourself up for caring a bit but don't let that need for validation make important life decisions for you

Cinderellashoes Sun 25-Oct-20 09:46:48

Who cares what people THINK of what you look like together?

SimonJT Sun 25-Oct-20 09:46:50

As an FYI, a friend is 6’6” and his partner is 5’6”, nothing weird or odd about it.

Eckhart Sun 25-Oct-20 09:48:16

How would he feel if he saw your post, @dollypollywolly?

OwlOne Sun 25-Oct-20 09:48:22

SimonJT

As an FYI, a friend is 6’6” and his partner is 5’6”, nothing weird or odd about it.

Well, unless it's a gay couple that's a man being the taller one, so it's not going to challenge people's innate sense of what looks right.

FlemCandango Sun 25-Oct-20 09:49:11

I am 3 inches taller than DH we have been together 20+ years and married for 15, we have 3 children. I don't generally wear heels when going out with DH but other than that (I don't generally wear heels anyway) we have never had to do anything differently, not one comment has been made about our height difference.

If you like him go for it. Honestly op if you were a man then you wouldn't give it a second thought, so why should women have to look for men taller than them?

Cynara Sun 25-Oct-20 09:49:53

You've discussed this with him and he's been "understanding"?? The poor man. Thinking it over yourself is one thing. Actually telling a lovely, kind man that if you decide not to pursue a relationship with him it will be because he's a shortarse and you can't handle that is absolutely hideous. No wonder he's hurt!! I'm surprised he's putting up with that, quite honestly.

StormBaby Sun 25-Oct-20 09:50:29

You need to examine your own true feelings on this and not what society wants. Me personally, being a very tall woman(6ft+), I can’t deal with it. I was married to someone shorter for 12 years and it made me feel huge, cumbersome, manly, unattractive. I vowed never to date anyone shorter than me ever again and I haven’t. If you feel it won’t bother you, then go for it! He sounds lovely!

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