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I think my marriage is over but can’t separate

(14 Posts)
commondenomlnator Sat 24-Oct-20 21:47:13

Neither of us have anywhere to go or stay. No family or friends who are nearby or who could help.
No money to rent or even stay in a hotel
Plus in a high risk Covid area so cant really do much anyway even if had family.

Really it should be me that leaves if anyone had to leave because I’ve caused this. Totally to blame and I feel awful.
What are we meant to do somehow separate yet co exist in the same house till one of us can go ? Has anyone ever done that and how do you manage ?

OP’s posts: |
AlreadyGone44 Sat 24-Oct-20 22:24:13

You can separate under one roof. Wouldn't be advisable in some situations, ie abuse or if your marriage is do toxic you can't be civil. Are you renting or do you own? If the later can one afford to payout the others equity? Do you have a spare room/office/extra living space you can turn into a room for you? Do you both work? Are their kids involved? If you separate one or both of you might be entitled to government payments or UC which could be saved up for a deposit to rent. There's a website called "entitled to" that can help their.

commondenomlnator Sat 24-Oct-20 22:27:02

We rent
There’s not a spare room but Dh has been sleeping in the boys room anyway so we have space to be apart.
Long term I don’t know what the options might be. Dh works I’m a sahm

OP’s posts: |
AlreadyGone44 Sat 24-Oct-20 22:42:31

I'm sleeping in our youngest boys room, though not offfical or anything. How old are DC? Are they in school? Might be hard to find work right now, but is working currently an option? Check out what you'd be entitled too if you officially separate under one roof. If I didn't have a chronic illness and three DS with SN that's what I'd do, get a job so we can separate. I know people often throw that out there as if its so easy but that may be what you need to be able to separate.

commondenomlnator Sun 25-Oct-20 09:09:28

No not able to work as littlest ones are only tiny still

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Sun 25-Oct-20 09:16:09

If you find a job then the little ones can go in childcare.

If your DH is willing to move out (as it is easier as you are primary carer) then he needs to look for a room in a house share for now and sign the rented house tenancy over to you.

You will be able to claim UC including housing and council tax benefit etc DH will have to pay you maintenance for the DC and will have the rest of his income for his rent etc.

Really you need to discuss it with him. If he refuses to move out then it's much more difficult and you will have to push ahead with divorce and negotiate housing as part of that.

AlreadyGone44 Sun 25-Oct-20 09:25:03

Then I'd look at what support you can get if you officially separate. Where I live you can get single parent payment if separated even if that's under one roof. I think UK you can also officially separate under one roof and still get the same support you'd be entitled to if you moved out.

Are you sure separation is what you want? If you are I'd start getting your ducks in a row as they say on here. Research rentals, work out what you're entitled to if you separate, work out if you can pay the bills on that plus whatever child support you'd be entitled too, if he doesn't want 50/50 care in which case I believe CS is zero in the UK. Take little steps towards separating. If you're not sure then see if he'd do marriage counselling with you. Sorry can't tell from OP if you're sure that you want to separate.

commondenomlnator Sun 25-Oct-20 12:38:52

They are too little one is newborn the other just 2 with asd
Covid has made things financially difficult so he can’t just move out
Covid plus other factors has put such a strain on us that I am constantly stressing anxious and nagging about everything and I can’t blame him for having had enough

OP’s posts: |
commondenomlnator Sun 25-Oct-20 12:41:30

And I can’t even pinpoint exactly what had gone wrong and when but we seem to be in the situation where he has fallen out of love with me and I am just a neurotic nagger
Yet we can’t just split up due to money/covid/circumstances/kids
But you can’t just live together surely and not actually be a couple

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Sun 25-Oct-20 12:54:58

Well why don't you look at couples therapy?

If your anxiety is high (sounds like it is) then speak with your GP and consider medication and ask for therapy/counselling.

Young DC are a huge strain on a relationship but it can be rescued or at least massively improved if you both want to and are both willing to put the work in.

AllsortsofAwkward Sun 25-Oct-20 13:00:02

Some nursery do take on babies and toddlers, even if you got a job part time, alternately you could claim us credits and go on the council house waiting list. Have you thought of couples therapy?

DianaT1969 Sun 25-Oct-20 13:04:51

With such young children, are you sure it is over?

commondenomlnator Sun 25-Oct-20 13:09:03

Well I’ve managed to annoy him to the point he says he doesn’t love me anymore because of how I act
To be fair I do nag a lot and my anxiety makes that worse and I’m not good to be around

OP’s posts: |
EarthSight Sun 25-Oct-20 21:44:33

When you have a relationship with your partner there's a lot of different levels it can encompass -

Friend
Housemate
Co-parent
Sexual partner
Intimate

If he doesn't love you any more, it means this has broken down on mainly the intimate level or more. Has it broken down on all levels do you think? How has it broken down on the housemate or friendship level. If you maintain those, you can co parent in a civil manner until you are both ready to separate completely. Separating temporarily might also take some pressure off the both of you which might help things.

I'm sure everyone here is dying to know in which way you 'nag' as this is often a demeaning term used by men who want to belittle their wife's reasonable requests (usually the type of men who end up calling their partners or ex partners 'crazy' just because they are too dumb to understand them). It's up to you what you disclose here, and don't take everyone's advice as gospel, but you might actually get some good advice and insights if you post more detail.

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