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(74 Posts)
notsurewhattodo22 Sat 24-Oct-20 21:41:41

I don't know what to do.

I've got no motivation anymore, I've not been out of the house for a week. I can't stop missing and crying about a guy I know never cared. He was a huge part of my life and I feel so lost and lonely.

I'm just so down and don't see a way of snapping out of it.

If anyone will talk to me it would really help.

OP’s posts: |
RedPandaFluff Sat 24-Oct-20 21:49:36

Oh @notsurewhattodo22 however awful you feel now, it WILL pass and it's a question of hanging in there and surviving until it does. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but one day you'll look back, roll your eyes and wonder why you cared about him so much!

Do you have family? Friends? Someone to support you through this?

BlindTipsy Sat 24-Oct-20 21:53:36

Sorry you are having a hard time . Break ups are so so difficult but things will get better. Happy to listen and offer any support I can.

Do you have any support from family and friends?

notsurewhattodo22 Sat 24-Oct-20 21:55:21

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I don't really have family...a few friends but no one I can see at the moment due to covid.

I am on anti depressants but they aren't helping, I just don't want to get out of bed. The only thing that I did get happiness from was him really, pathetic.

Every day is the same and awful. I desperately miss him, he just didn't care enough though...never did.

OP’s posts: |
Greeneyes78 Sat 24-Oct-20 21:56:16

Hi op, sorry to hear you’re feeling down. No consolation but we’ve all been there xx

Greeneyes78 Sat 24-Oct-20 21:58:20

I only got out of bed at 1 today, I’m also not very motivated, haven’t even brushed my hair today, still have yesterday’s make up on. Only just had dinner and my house looks like we’ve been burgled and I give no fucks.

Why did he not care?

notsurewhattodo22 Sat 24-Oct-20 22:10:51

He never cared enough to make time for me. When something happened and I needed him he said he wasn't willing to make the effort I needed to be there for me. I was in bits and he didn't care at all.

He was always hot and cold, I should have given up a long time ago really.

OP’s posts: |
notsurewhattodo22 Sat 24-Oct-20 22:12:03

I practically begged him just to be there at that time and he said no. Made me feel so unwanted.

OP’s posts: |
Mamadothe Sat 24-Oct-20 22:22:02

Aww You sound so down op
So sorry he’s made you feel like this
Do you have any children?
He doesn’t deserve you

notsurewhattodo22 Sat 24-Oct-20 22:28:38

I do have children...they are at their Dads tonight.

I am down. He had done this before and then always came back. I'm not sure if he will do this time, I want to be strong enough not to reply if he ever does but I don't feel strong at all. He knows this...I haven't contacted him for a while though.

OP’s posts: |
notsurewhattodo22 Sat 24-Oct-20 22:30:35

Just crying all the time really....completely depressed. I try and put a brave face on for the kids but I'm so deeply unhappy.

I told him so many things about me too and my past, I didn't think he would just leave me like this.

OP’s posts: |
Lampan Sat 24-Oct-20 22:36:09

Oh it’s so awful but as other posters say, it will definitely get easier. There WILL come a time when you realise you’re not bothered, then when you realise you don’t care at all, and eventually a time when you realise you wouldn’t meet up with him even if he suggested it. It all feels a long way off but it will come!
Would you have the strength to block him? Take the control back. Maybe set a target to block him for a few days and then see how you feel about keeping him blocked.

Strangedays20 Sat 24-Oct-20 22:36:27

How long have you been together?

NiceandCalm Sat 24-Oct-20 23:15:32

Agree with PP's - take control and block him on everything. He's no good for you, you know that. You will get over him, it just takes time.

Emmalanexxx Sun 25-Oct-20 01:17:45

So sorry to hear you’re going through this. It takes time to get out of that mindset and at the moment you’re still mourning the loss of the relationship which is completely normal. Eventually you will snap back to yourself, remember who you are and how much happiness you deserve. And when you do, you’ll realise that he was never the right person to have in your life, hot and cold behaviour is toxic. You deserve somebody who wants you and shows it always.
Sending you love flowers

Mamadothe Sun 25-Oct-20 08:31:19

How long was you together @notsurewhattodo22 ?

Have you gone back to GP to up for antidepressants?

You need to keep yourself busy, do some self care stuff such as a long bubble bath, read a book, so some exercise (running is really good when your down), book a massage in or a pedicure, go out for lunch, have a film night

It will get better. He doesn’t deserve you, his actions show that. Block him on your phone and social media so your not reminded of him or tempted to see him.

What happened the last time you was together? flowers

notsurewhattodo22 Sun 25-Oct-20 09:53:15

Thanks for the support. He has been in my life for a year, we were very close. We only got together a few months ago though properly. I used to speak to him every day in that year and it's so hard to get used to him not being there.

We had a nice time the last time we were together ( about 3 weeks ago). Then he went cold, the calls and messages died down etc. I could tell something was off....he had done this before.

I called him out and asked what was wrong etc. He said he was busy...just fobbing me off. I tried to understand but I've never felt a priority to him. I told him I couldn't be like that and I don't expect much but I do expect to be a bit of a priority. He then said he wasn't willing / prepared to put in the effort that I need. He made me feel like I was asking too much...I really wasn't. I don't think any woman would have put up with being treated as I was, purely at his convenience.

He has given me huge sob stories over the year and I've always been there for him. The one time I needed him he wasn't there. He kept me hanging on saying once a part of his life was sorted it would be fine. Now it's sorted there is another excuse.

He would go from being all over me one day to nothing the next, leaving me in a constant state of anxiety and wondering what I had done wrong. I found myself apologising for things I hadn't done. If I questioned him he turned things back on me....I'm insecure etc.

He never understood my concerns or he did but chose to ignore them. He said some pretty spiteful things too like I'm just trying to get my own way and manipulate him. I had to go back and explain myself all the time to him.

Still...even though it was very upsetting I miss him. I miss the good bits anyway....and i just want him to come back and be nice again.

I know it sounds crazy to miss someone who made me so very upset / anxious.

I really don't have the strength to block him. What's the point anyway if he's gone.

Thanks for your support and replies...it does help to talk about it. He wasn't kind to me I know that x

OP’s posts: |
notsurewhattodo22 Sun 25-Oct-20 09:58:37

He told me I play up like this when I don't get my own way ( ie wanting to know what's going on)

He told me I try and manipulate him.

He's done disappearing acts before then comes back like nothing has happened.

He tells me it's me with the problem.

I feel he has deliberately tested me to see my reaction.

He told me once he likes to get a reaction out of me.

This all sounds terrible writing it down. I wish I was stronger.

OP’s posts: |
notsurewhattodo22 Sun 25-Oct-20 10:03:06

He's basically destroyed my self esteem and I'm not sure how to pick it back up again.

I never used to be like this before him.

OP’s posts: |
notsurewhattodo22 Sun 25-Oct-20 10:06:29

I blocked him once before and he said I was childish and having a 'strop'.

He's been in complete control of me...and always makes it seem reasonable what he says.

OP’s posts: |
RedPandaFluff Sun 25-Oct-20 10:45:16

Oh my goodness @notsurewhattodo22 he sounds like my ex sad

It's not necessarily the case and obviously I'm going on limited information here, possibly making assumptions, but have you read about narcissists? I'll try to find a link with an explanation in a moment. But basically you end up completely consumed by them, your happiness depends on them, and (in my opinion) the relationship is almost like a drug that you are completely and utterly addicted to.

The good news is - you will DEFINITELY be able to get over this! I'm now married to the best man in the world and we have a gorgeous DD together. If you told me at the time that I'd be able to move on from my ex and be happy again (in fact, far happier than the best times with my ex!) I wouldn't have believed you.

It takes time and effort though.

RedPandaFluff Sun 25-Oct-20 10:48:38

Have a look at this to see if it rings any bells:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201412/is-your-partner-narcissist-here-are-50-ways-tell

As I said, I'm no psychologist and I could be way off, it's just that some of the things you said rang bells for me.

Notcoolmum Sun 25-Oct-20 10:55:38

You deserve better. You are caught up in the hot and cold of the relationship. It becomes addictive and you crave the highs. Read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl and look up the baggage reclaim podcasts. Block him on everything. Who cares if he thinks you are sulking. What he thinks is immaterial and he won't be able to contact you. Go strictly no contact, this means no looking at him on social media, no reading back through old messages. Treat this as you would a serious addiction. You are going cold turkey. It will be hard but will get easier.

Contact your mental health team to ask for a review of your meds and see if you can access talking therapy. Can you get this through work or could you afford to pay?

Put you first. Treat yourself with the kindness you would a friend. Try and do one nice thing for yourself each day. Have a bath. Light a nice candle. Read a book. Go for a walk. A run. Whatever it is that makes you happy. Do reach out to friends. I bet most of them have known he wasn't good enough for you and will be delighted you are getting rid.

Good luck.

notsurewhattodo22 Sun 25-Oct-20 11:33:28

@RedPandaFluff I have read up on narcissism and the link you kindly shared he fits nearly all of those. I do feel like I'm addicted to him, less now than 3 weeks ago but it's still there. He's not on my social media so that's one good thing. I'm glad you are happy now and there is hope.

@notcoolmum I have read that book and it all rings true. He hasn't treated me well but I've kept going back, people don't understand why I do. Neither do I really.

I think this is it this time though...it's never been this long. I hate how he's treated me but turned it all back round on me and that I'm the one in the wrong.

OP’s posts: |
RedPandaFluff Sun 25-Oct-20 11:39:56

You can do this,@notsurewhattodo22 - treat it like any other addiction; one day at a time. Win the game by not giving him what he wants.

When he finally realises that he's lost you for good, he'll panic and probably say and do everything you ever dreamed of. But remember that this love and passion will only last until he's sure he's got you back again and then he'll lose interest, and things will go back to the way they were and you'll be broken-hearted all over again. Break the cycle! thanks

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